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Poetic License

NaNoWriNO Day 2

Topic: Poetry

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Do you have that one friend who loves to ~~torture~~ challenge you because they ~~love laughing at you~~ think they’re helping you become a better person? Bill Friday is that friend for me. I’ve known him for about a hundred years now, and I’m not really sure how our friendship has lasted this long. Let’s review:

He likes breaded meat. I prefer not to eat things that feel the need to go into the Witness Protection Program.
He watches horror films, and I get scared looking at my face without makeup on
He has children, and my uterus cries at the idea of me ever getting pregnant
He’s a fantastic poet, and I think a sonnet is something Quaker women wear on their heads

This is probably Bill’s handiwork

Knowing all of the above, it should come as no surprise that my good (and I use that word loosely) friend suggested poetry as one of the topics for NaNoWriNO. I love flexing my writing muscles, but I wasn’t prepared to pick this on the second day of the challenge.

There are three things I’m good at: arm wrestling the elderly, staining a brand new shirt, and never backing down from a dare. I’m especially good at that last one. Why else would I have a tattoo of Wilford Brimley saying “YOLO” emblazoned across my chest?

Instead of crying over pages of Pablo Neruda and Lord Byron, I decided to get creative. Poetry isn’t just mushy words over love lost; poetry is carefully placed wording with the intent to evoke a certain emotion. I used the skills I acquired during my time with Hallmark, and conjured up a line of Jen and Tonic greeting cards. Continue reading →

Tags: bill friday, bloody awful poetry, funny greeting cards, humor, poems, poetry, you've got herpes, your baby looks like george costanza

Comments 79 Comments
Categories Misc., NaNoWriNo

You Are Now At Shopping Altitude

23 Oct

I love traveling. I enjoy seeing landmarks, feasting on local cuisine, and going to historical museums to get my knowledge on. While I appreciate the luxury of travel, I’m not fond of flying. Between the security pat-down, flight delays, and cramped seating arrangements, it’s just not at the top of my list of things in life I fancy.

On my latest trip to Vegas, I was reminded that one of the things I do really like is the literature that comes in the seat pocket in front of you on the airplane. While I like reading the evacuation instructions and airline-specific magazine, the thing I really look forward to is SkyMall Magazine.

While most of the stuff in there is pretty standard fare, there are some tucked away gems which are so bizarre you have to wonder if the altitude is affecting your perception. I took the liberty of flipping through the latest issue, and finding the biggest “WTF?” merchandise SkyMall has to offer.

The Solowheel. For those who have an extra $1800 in the bank, and think walking is too damn difficult. Must be a unicycle enthusiast who loves looking like an asshat. Click on the picture to watch this bad boy in action.

Credit: SkyMall

Continue reading →

Tags: bizarre products, humor, igrow hair, one of a kind shirt, pet canvas, solowheel, super skate sail, train your cat to use the bathroom, travel pillow, upright sleeper

Comments 222 Comments
Categories Fun Times, Misc.

Getting A Facelift

21 Oct

Well, I didn’t get a facelift, but my blog did! As many of you probably noticed, the header is remarkably different from the boring block lettering which used to be there. One of the great things about blogging is that it connects you with all sorts of people from various artistic corners of the web. One such person is my dear friend Tahira (TJ) Lubrano, the person who is responsible for how snazzy pants my site looks these days. I wanted to give her this little shout out as my way of thanking her for the hard work she put into making my blog easier on the eyes.

TJ’s art speaks to me on so many levels. It’s fun. It’s imaginative. It’s colorful. It’s happy. It’s playful. It’s beautiful. I could go on and on, but I thought I’d let her brilliant illustrations speak for themselves.

Continue reading →

Tags: art, blog header, illustrations, tahira lubrano, tj lubrano illustrations

Comments 83 Comments
Categories Hooked on Tonic, Misc.

Mo Money Movember

19 Oct

So there’s this guy you may have heard of, and his name is Le Clown. If you haven’t, you need to educate yourself because there are two things in life I take very seriously: (1) Law & Order marathons on the USA network and (2) blogging clowns. Without those things, what’s the point of living?

There are a few things you need to know about him:

(1) He breastfeeds sock monkeys

(2) He hates Rush, one of the greatest bands of all time

(3) He has serious camel ball

He’s also a very generous dude who loves to have a million projects going on at once. His latest effort is the Bloggers for Movember campaign. Movember is a cause which takes place each November, and helps raise money and build awareness around men’s health issues, specifically testicular and prostate cancers. Something I was unaware of is that it also aims to do the same for men’s mental health issues.

It didn’t surprise me that Le Clown wanted to get involved. I mean, this is a guy who massages his prostate courtesy of Klout. There are a handful of ways you can show your support, all of which are outlined in his post (all applicable links below.) My favorite is the growing of a mustache (or beard!) during the month of November.

Naturally, I wanted to participate because not only do I love me some charity, but I love me some facial hair. “Jen, you can’t grow a mustache. You’re a girl!” Oh, on the contrary my lovely Hooked on Tonics. I’m partially Mexican and have the testosterone level of Lou Ferrigno. This means I get a five o’clock shadow at half past two.

I know it’s not November yet, but I thought I’d kick things off to get people motivated to throw their hat in the ring when the time comes.

A nod to Le Clown, a sexy French ‘stache

Continue reading →

Tags: bloggers for movember, camel ball, growing a mustache, le clown, men's mental health, movember, prosate cancer, testicular cancer

Comments 68 Comments
Categories Do Gooding, Misc.

Search Engine Awkwardization

4 Oct

A few months ago, Timmer from Second Lunch put up this post discussing how he was getting views from a search term unrelated to anything on his blog. More recently, Le Clown put up a post on his facebook page noting someone’s affinity for sperm and McDonald’s led the searcher to his site. We’re constantly being told, as small blog authors, that we’re buried deeply in the interwebz. If this is true, how is it possible people are accidentally landing on our pages using the strangest of searches?

This got me thinking about my own search terms. If you’ve read even one post from Sips of Jen and Tonic, you’d know this is not exactly the kind of stuff you’d read to your kindergarten class before nap time. Well, unless your teaching certificate is from The David Hasselhoff School of Hamburger Eating. In that case, thanks for giving the children a really eye-opening education.

I know this was you Speaker7

Continue reading →

Tags: blog weird search returns, freshly pressed, how did you find my blog, search engine terms, SEO, Speaker 7 searches for fuzzy butt plugs

Comments 63 Comments
Categories Misc., No Shame

HCP Announcement

3 Oct

This is a second blog I’ve started with the lovely Jen from The Modern Woman’s Society. If you’re crafty, love gifting, curious about DIY, want to contribute, or just love supporting friends, please stop by and say hi!

Handmade Christmas Project

Hello my handmade beauties! Its Jen W. here!

I’m beyond excited that the Handmade Christmas Project blog is finally up and running! Full credit and unadulterated praise to the talented and articulate Jen S. for saying we go big with this idea! Crafting Jens to the power of two has the potential to unleash a Christmas craft cataclysm of amazingness. If you haven’t already read the post that inspired this spin-off blog, you can check it out here.

If you’re anything like the two Jens, there simply isn’t enough time in your life for all the craft you want to do. And if you also work full-time (like the two Jens) declaring that you’re going to make all your Christmas gifts this year could be a foolish mistake. FYI kids – as of yesterday, there are only 12 weeks until the big day. Or if you do work full-time, you…

View original post 86 more words

Tags: a second blog what was I thinking, christmas, craft, diy, make all of my presents, the modern woman's society

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Misc.

Le-duel: Jen and Tonic

21 Sep

Head over to A Clown on Fire and help me crush the competition in this post I wrote for Clown’s blogging duel against Edward Hotspur. Yeah, I handed his ass to him. Did you expect any less?

Tags: blogging competition, clown on fire, edward hotspur, golden girls, jen and tonic, le clown, le duel, old people having sex, poligrip, sips of jen and tonic

Comments 9 Comments
Categories Guest Posts, Misc.

J&T: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

5 Sep

I have been on a blogging hiatus as some of you (okay, all of you) noticed. I’ve been busy with all sorts of life things, and had to take a step away to take care of business. I still owe you a post on everything that has been going on with me, but I had to come back today because it’s a special occasion. No, I’m not announcing that I’m pregnant with David Hasselhoff’s baby, or that scientists have decided to study a genetic mutation I have which causes my extreme awesomeness. Today is the birthday of my matey from another lady, Sara from Laments and Lullabies!

Some of you may not know this, but Sara and I go way back. Not like we-shared-a-womb-and-she-hogged-all-of-the-good-fluid kind of way back, but the kind that has allowed us to share many fun experiences together. How does one honor a friend like this on her birthday? I was going to write a long post about how beautiful and talented and funny and cool she is, but isn’t that common knowledge? Instead, I’ve decided to invite all of you to take a look back at some of my favorite moments with her.

Halloween 2009. She didn’t have a sidecar so she made me ride on the roof of her Smart car.

Photo courtesy of FaceInHole

Continue reading →

Tags: batman and robin costume, birthday surprises, ET, happy birthday, I hit like a girl, I pooped my pants while skydiving, I took a cruise and all I got was this lousy piece of driftwood, I've got mad breakdancing skills, jen and tonic, Justin Bieber is a Canadian national treasure, laments and lullabies, Lord of the rings, sips of jen and tonic, tax evasion is bad

Comments 50 Comments
Categories Fun Times, Hooked on Tonic, Misc.

The Car Makes the Man

26 Jun

Credit: Meme Center

I was at the grocery store the other day when I watched a ’97 Camero with tinted windows hastily pull into a handicapped parking space. As I waited for the driver to get out, I immediately formed an image of what I thought he or she might look like. I came up with: male, 25-35, bad fake tan, a sweatband on his forearm, aviator sunglasses, and a spandex Under Armour shirt which prominently displayed his nipples. I got 5 out of the 6 right; I should have known people wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses this time of year. Rookie mistake!

This got me thinking as to whether or not you can accurately predict a man’s characteristics and/or lifestyle based solely on his car. Sure, there are vehicles which are obvious predictors of things such as wealth or the need for speed, but can you tell more about someone from his ride than just how much money he’s got in the bank? I called my high-ranking friends at the CDC, FBI, CIA, TSA and NKOTB to see if they would assist in gathering data, but I got a lot of dial tones. On the upside, I’m pretty sure I’m on some “Watch Lists” now!

Not one to be deterred, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I gathered my materials and performed highly scientific research in one of the most prestigious labs in the world: a Safeway parking lot. My findings (after 30 minutes and a bag of beef jerky) are as follows: Continue reading →

Tags: 1970 AMC Gremlin, a 67 mustang is a major panty dropper, drivers of windowless vans are predators, gene wilder will call you out on your small penis, george hamilton tan, hummer drivers are douches, humor, jen and tonic, Kia soul hamster, sips of jen and tonic, street pharmacology, volvo drivers have sex with their socks on, what your car says about you

Comments 65 Comments
Categories Misc.

What’s In My Bag?

27 May

YouTube is a huge time suck for me. I love going on there and watching all sorts of different videos: music, DIY, fitness, hypnosis, inspirational, movie clips. Have any of you ever noticed how you get to a really strange part of YouTube if you surf around long enough? I once came across a video where a doctor inflates a patient’s penile prosthesis by squeezing his scrotum. If you don’t want to watch the video I’ll summarize it by saying it was a lot like those Air Jordans you could pump up by pressing on the tongue of the shoe.

One of my favorite things to watch on the site are videos put out by beauty gurus. Despite being a walking train wreck, I love looking at what cute, fashionable girls are doing with their hair, clothes and makeup. My linebacker shoulders, manly facial features and birthing hips won’t allow me to ever be like any of them, but it’s nice to see how the other side lives.

There’s a series of videos in this community called “What’s in my bag?” which allows viewers to take a look at what things they tote around in their purses. All of their handbags are almost always full of the same things: lipgloss, candy, brushes, blotting papers, sunglasses, deodorant. For those of you who have a life, you’re wondering why anyone would want to watch something like this. Obviously you’re not someone with a healthy addiction to stalking strangers like I am.

I thought it would be fun to show what was in my purse. Maybe this is my attempt at fitting in with the living Barbie dolls. Come on guys, let me have my moment!

Here we go…