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The Measure of Success

24 May

I’ve given a lot of thought to whether or not I’m running a successful blog, especially in the last few months. I kind of abandoned it, and felt guilty for letting my readers down. I wasn’t gaining any new followers, my page views were abysmal, and my social networks had become stagnant. Fail whale.

When I first started this, I was purely driven by fame and wealth. I wanted to earn Scrooge McDuck status, making so much money I could swim in it. Eminem would write derogatory things about me in his songs, and I’d become the target of a Republican Tea Party attack. My aptly titled “Tonic” perfume would sell in Sephora stores around the world.


Okay, so that’s a bit of a stretch. Well, except the perfume part because I really do think it’d be cool if people smelled like I do. That mix of desperation, underboob sweat, and awkward sexual tension took me years to perfect, and I just want to share it with the world. Continue reading

A Birthday On Fire

27 Jan

There is a woman here on WordPress, you may have heard of her, The Ringmistress. She is married to a guy you may also have heard of, Le Clown. Together they form an incredibly sexy and disgustingly romantic couple. They make me puke in a way only Canadians in love can.

Today is Le Clown’s birthday, and The Ringmistress thought it would be fun if she sent him on a blog scavenger hunt. You know, because nothing says love like making someone work for their birthday gift. She asked his best bloggy friends to put up posts providing clues which would help him navigate the hunt. She gave me my assignment, cracked her whip, and I started brainstorming.

My first thought was to dress up like a clown. He’s a clown, I like makeup, and my nose is already red from all of this drinking. It just makes sense to commemorate his birthday in this way.

Dressing up like a clown is a totally normal way to spend a Friday night

Dressing up like a clown is a totally normal way to spend a Friday night

I look good, don’t I? A little too good. My eye diamonds, my blushing cheeks, my jazz hands. You can’t upstage someone on their birthday! Back to the drawing board. Continue reading

12 Days of Christmas- Day 6

15 Dec

I wanted to write this post last night while the feeling of yesterday’s events were still fresh in my mind, but I decided against it. I don’t believe in writing from an overly emotional place, and yesterday I had to take a step back. I needed to give myself time to process what had happened

Now I’m ready to take a breath, and type.

Earlier this week, there was a shooting at a mall in my area which left two people dead. As I’m sure all of you know, there was a horrific shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday which claimed many lives, most of which were children’s.  Also in the news yesterday, a man stabbed 22 children outside a primary school in China. After hearing about these acts of unspeakable violence, my first thoughts were, “What the fuck has happened to people?”

I cried. For the victims, for the families of the victims, for the people who will forever be haunted by the events, for everyone who lost a little faith in humanity.

I used to be very cynical and pessimistic, believing that people will screw you over when given the chance. “The world is full of opportunists” I’d say, and I meant that. I looked at everyone as though they were a suspect in a crime they had not yet committed. Innocent until proven guilty? No way. Guilty until proven innocent. Continue reading

House of Cards

27 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 27

Topic: Greeting cards- the final frontier


I didn’t intend to do another set of greeting cards as I have already done two posts like this during NaNoWriNO. In the comments section of the last post like this, a few of you requested specific/customized cards. How can I possibly say no? You guys have been kind enough to read this crap every single day for a month, the least I can do is give back a little.

To old wife from new wife (requested by UndercoverL)

Continue reading

The Feminine Touch

25 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 25

Topic: Boxers- Men wearing them vs. Women wearing them


When I first picked this topic, I decided to list the pros and cons of women and men wearing boxer shorts. Here’s what I came up with:

Men Pro: Airs out that general vicinity so penis doesn’t grow mold
Men Con: Sometimes penis pokes out of the flap, and unintentionally waves hello to you

Women Pro: Boxers finally get to see a vagina

Women Con: Leave terrible visible panty lines

Side by side comparison because it’s very scientific

That was it. Major suckage in the description department. After 24 days of writing posts, I was kind of ready to just dial it in, but I didn’t want to do that to you guys. So I gave it a bit more consideration.

The more I thought about women wearing boxers, the more I realized women steal men’s fashions. We’re not happy with the 1,585, 732 clothing lines dedicated to selling us stuff, we’ve got to go and takeover menswear too. We’re such clothes horses.


Halle Berry obviously got her “I’m seeking a raise” moves from me

Continue reading

Writing and Radio

23 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 23

Topic: Writing and radio


My time on WordPress almost never came to be. When I first started posting my ramblings for the entire internet to see, I was writing for another website. I spent four years there, and through a series of dramatic events, I left. I saw the writing on the wall well before my departure, and started this blog so I would have a place to put my stuff.

After I left, others started leaving for similar reasons to mine. We decided we needed a new home where writers could network and chat and post their stuff and support each other in their writing endeavors.

Expats Post was born.

This is a very meaningful project for me. When I first started writing, I didn’t believe I was a real writer. I didn’t think people would take you seriously if you used cuss words, or talked about your bowel movements.

My beginning pieces on the old site sucked donkey balls, but the other writers were still encouraging. They told me what they liked, and  didn’t troll me hardcore even though they totally could have. This gave me the confidence to continue sharing all of the noise going on in my head.

I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for these people, I wouldn’t have continued writing for anyone other than myself. I would have had a collection of very funny diaries. Community, in my opinion, is a very important part of a writer’s journey. Continue reading

Giving Thanks

22 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 22

Topic: Thanksgiving



Thanks to the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians for inspiring this post. Let’s party like it’s 1621!
NaNoWriNO Day 21

NaNoWriNO Day 23

Speaker of the Devil

21 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 21

Topic: What happened to Speakers 1-6?


I’m not going to lie to you, I have a major lady crush on Speaker7. From the first time I read her I said, “Jen, you will make that woman yours even if it means having to purchase chloroform and zip ties. Fast forward a few months, and she created a twitter account just so she could follow me. Love is in the air!

Despite our budding romance, there is very little that I know about her. She’s a lady and has hair and likes reading smut and might have a car. Who is she? Where did she come from? Her life is shrouded in mystery.

The topic suggestion challenged me to figure out what happened to Speakers 1-6, but I think this was just to throw me off the trail. It is my belief that Speakers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are all the same person, and this person is hellbent on world domination.

Speaker Identity #1: Madame Weebles

They’re both foulmouthed. They are both fantastic bloggers. They both attracted me with their animal magnetism. They both have legions of followers who scream like little girls when they publish new posts. I don’t know that the world could handle the sheer awesomeness of two people like this existing.

The resemblance is uncanny

Continue reading

Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions


I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

Continue reading


8 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 8

Topic: Lingerie football


Fumblerooski is the name of a trick play in American football. It occurs when the quarterback places the ball on the ground after the snap, technically fumbling it. He and the running backs run in one direction, and the right guard picks it up and runs in the opposite direction. It’s a play that was made famous in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and is now banned in the National Football League.

I feel like a trick has been played on me! When this topic was suggested, I had no idea what I was getting into. I initially thought I might be writing about lingerie with football-related imagery printed on it. Then I thought it may be term for women who played football in their underwear.

I did a simple Google image search, and was not expecting this: Continue reading

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