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Tag Archives: humor

Love Disconnection

Bugs crawling into my ears at night. Getting pregnant with triplets. Being forced to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is only one thing scarier than all of those things, and it’s internet dating.

It should come as no surprise that I’m not the best at dating. I can certainly hike up my breasts until they’re at cruising altitude, and I always refrain from using my shirt collar as a napkin until we’re in the “I accidentally farted on you” stage of our relationship. The thing I don’t have on my side is the ability to pretend I like stupid people who waste my time.

Internet dating has its benefits, but the relative anonymity of it coupled with the ease of access to thousands of potential mates has created a problem for those interested in a serious relationship. Gone are the days of daters trying to pretend they’re halfway normal, and in are the days of suitors asking if you’d like a dick picture after you tell them you work in marketing.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the gems I’ve met online.

The guy who isn’t letting his marriage get in the way of his dating life

Continue reading →

Tags: dating, dating app, dating in portland, dating sucks, dick pictures, humor, internet dating, okcupid, online dating, Portland, skout, tinder

Comments 95 Comments
Categories Relationships

Apologies Are In Order

22 Jan

I think I may be the neighbor from hell. I don’t throw raucous parties, or drive like one of those douchebag Audi owners through the parking lot. I pick up other people’s trash, and have even been known to say hi when I’m not daydreaming about almond croissants.

Despite my best efforts to be a decent member of society, some apologies to current and former neighbors are definitely in order.

To the neighbor who saw me topless:

Your expression really said it all. It was a mixture of pity, lust and confusion. Coincidentally, that was the same look I once gave to my reflection after eating an entire Little Caesar’s pizza by myself. I’m sure you had no idea that breasts could double as suspenders, or have so many stretch marks that it looks like there’s a freeway system tattooed on them. The truth is, puberty was not kind to me, and my breasts are now registered weapons in nine states. I guess I should’ve rushed to cover myself up, but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man, and I had to soak it up. I’m sorry if this has stirred up a weird fetish, and your future wife finds you searching for “low-hanging tits” on the internet one day.

Continue reading →

Tags: charlie sheen, dumpster, fart, humor, neighbor, pee, rabid raccoon, saggy breasts, smirnoff ice, suzanne somers

Comments 198 Comments
Categories All About Me, No Shame

No Thanks

28 Nov

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I’d like to think it’s because of the time spent with family eating good food, and giving thanks. It’s actually because I was born on Thanksgiving the year I was born, and I enjoy focusing on things relating to me.

I’m sure there will be several posts today talking about what bloggers are thankful for. People will mention their family, their health, their children. All the posts will be beautifully written, and at this point in NaBloPoMo, my brain is in meltdown mode. I can’t compete.

This is why, instead of telling you what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, I’ll just tell you what I could really do without.

Christmas Music

When most people think of hell, they imagine a fiery inferno that they’ll be enslaved in for the rest of eternity. When I think of hell, it looks like sharing a jail cell with Rush Limbaugh while Christmas music plays 24 hours a day. “Jingle Bell Rock” makes me want to kick myself in the face, and I’m pretty sure “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is the inspiration for many a serial killer. The fact that it begins playing earlier every year actually makes me think conspiracy theorists might be right, and the government may actually be practicing some form of mind control on the masses.

Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, christmas music, grocery store charity, humor, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblabo, prius, rush limbaugh, thanksgiving, Yeah Write

Comments 95 Comments
Categories All About Me, NaNoWriNo

5 Stages of a Juice Cleanse

18 Nov

I know it’s hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I cared about what I looked like. I wore nice clothes, carefully painted my face with makeup, and even managed to brush my hair daily. Obviously those days are long gone.

There was also a time when I did juice cleanses because I cared about health or something like that. A juice cleanse is when you only drink liquids for a certain period of time as a way to ~~kickstart an eating disorder~~ remove toxins from your body. It’s also a great test to see how long you can go without eating before seriously considering robbing someone at gunpoint for a piece of pizza.

While the cleanses themselves were often different, the outcomes of them were always the same.

Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, diet, health, humor, juice cleanse, Juice Fast, Master Cleanse, NaBloPoMo, Team Poblano, Yeah Write

Comments 97 Comments
Categories 5 Things, All About Me, Misc., NaNoWriNo

21 vs. 31

13 Nov

My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I’ll be waving goodbye to 31, and saying hello to 32. I’m not one of those people who dreads her birthday; in fact, I’ve enjoyed getting older. There’s a certain confidence and wisdom I’ve gotten after experiencing a few things, and settling down a bit.

There’s no denying that you can run from aging, but you certainly can’t hide from it. I think I’m still pretty young at heart, but I’ve definitely noticed that some things have changed over the last 10 years.

Dating

21: Want a guy who is in a band

31: Want a guy who won’t ruin my credit score

Breasts

21: Above my waist

31: Saying hello to my belt buckle

Continue reading →

Tags: 20's vs. 30's, aging, getting older, humor, matlock, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, nanowrino, saggy boobs, Yeah Write

Comments 152 Comments
Categories All About Me, NaNoWriNo

Liz Lemon is My Spirit Animal

9 Nov

I am almost always the last person to watch a hit television show. I saw my very first episode of Breaking Bad a few months ago. I’ve been saying I’ll get around to having a looksie at Dexter. It’ll be another 20 years (and gut-wrenching boredom) before I watch The Walking Dead.

As one would expect, I was very late to the game when it came to viewing 30 Rock. I wasn’t interested in the premise of the show, and it wasn’t until a friend encouraged me to watch it that I finally did. “I think you’d really like one of the main characters, Liz Lemon.”

To say she was right is a very serious understatement. I mean, we’re practically the same person.

Neither of us understands how to meet a men:

Continue reading →

Tags: 30 rock, BlogHer, humor, liz lemon, liz lemon meme, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, television, Yeah Write

Comments 99 Comments
Categories All About Me, NaNoWriNo

Panty Droppin’ Coffee

8 Nov

If you’ve been following this blog ~~for years~~ ~~awhile~~ this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.

I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.

This is how my mornings used to look:

Alarm goes off
Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell

Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, coffee, humor, nanowrino, old lady underwear, panty dropper, starbucks, Team Poblano, work, Yeah Write

Comments 91 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Work

5 Completely Irrational Fears

6 Nov

I’m always worrying about something. If the lid on a medicine bottle comes off too easily after just purchasing it, I’m convinced someone has tampered with it. If my shower curtain is slightly askew, there’s obviously a murderer behind it. Don’t get me started on how I panic after the lights go off during a blackout.

Some fears are normal. If you’re traveling at high speeds in a car, it’s reasonable to be afraid that you’ll spin out of control and injure yourself. It’s not reasonable to believe that the neighbor kid is actually a small Russian spy, and the laser pen he’s playing with is actually a high-tech death laser.

Here are my Top 5 most irrational fears as voted by me…and my therapist…and everyone else. Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, fear, humor, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, Yeah Write

Comments 107 Comments
Categories 5 Things, All About Me, NaNoWriNo

The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads

5 Nov

I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.

I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.

Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant. Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, dating, Dating ads, humor, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, nanowrino, Relationships, Yeah Write

Comments 122 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Relationships

Telemiscommunication

3 Nov

The fact that I’ve been steadily employed since my first job at a Hallmark store is as much of a surprise to me as it is to anyone else. I’m the kind of person who drinks cereal instead of eating it with a spoon, and laughs when narrators say ‘Homo Erectus’ in documentaries. Not exactly the kind of stuff that makes employers jump at the chance to pay me every two weeks.

I started working for a local publishing company in 2009, and in early 2012, they were acquired by a corporation in Boston. Roughly six months after the purchase, our office was closed, and the Portland team members began telecommuting. This day is also referred to as “The exact moment I started devolving as an employee and human being.”

Dedicated working spaces no longer have meaning to me.

One of the greatest joys of working from home is getting to decide where you want to work. Gone are the days of parking in the same space, sitting at the same desk, and shivering from the air blowing from the same vent directly above my desk. Now you’ll most likely finding me sending e-mails while on the crapper, regretting the Indian food I ate last night.