Tag Archives: Team Poblano

5 Stages of a Juice Cleanse

18 Nov

I know it’s hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I cared about what I looked like. I wore nice clothes, carefully painted my face with makeup, and even managed to brush my hair daily. Obviously those days are long gone.

There was also a time when I did juice cleanses because I cared about health or something like that. A juice cleanse is when you only drink liquids for a certain period of time as a way to kickstart an eating disorder remove toxins from your body. It’s also a great test to see how long  you can go without eating before seriously considering robbing someone at gunpoint for a piece of pizza.

While the cleanses themselves were often different, the outcomes of them were always the same.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My WordPress Family

17 Nov

Yesterday I wrote a post that seemed to touch a nerve with quite a few people. Exes always drudge up mixed feelings, and a lot of you showed genuine concern for me. I’m here to tell you that I have not lost my damn mind.

Let’s clear a few things up…

I’m not going to be rekindling a romance with my ex. I’m not going to develop a deep bond with my ex. I’m not going to go down an emotional rabbit hole with my ex.

There are approximately 3.5 billion men on Earth. I assure you that I’m focusing my energy on the 3,499,996 men I haven’t already dated. I don’t even watch movies twice.

dating an ex, breakup, relationships, willy wonka meme

The whole situation got me thinking about blogging, and what it means to share yourself with the world. You’ll have readers from different parts of the world with different backgrounds, and different experiences. Sometimes this means that people won’t always agree with you. Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

In Good Company

11 Nov

I wasn’t going to do NaBloPoMo this year. I did my own antisocial rogue version with Speaker7 last year, and remember thinking that I’d rather have my arm sawed off by a butter knife than do it again. When it rolled around this year, Speaker7 sent me a very threatening “do NaBloPoMo or you’re dead” e-mail. That, coupled with Rarasaur’s crazed enthusiasm over literate chili peppers, convinced me to give it another go.

I’m pretty sure this is the slippery slope that leads to people finding themselves in cults. I’ve somehow managed to narrowly escape that fate all of these years. The only cult I belong to is the one which worships Jack in the Box tacos.

jackintheboxtacos Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , ,

Panty Droppin’ Coffee

8 Nov

If you’ve been following this blog for years awhile this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.

I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.

This is how my mornings used to look:

  • Alarm goes off
  • Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
  • Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
  • Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
  • Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
  • Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
  • Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
  • Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell

brainasshole Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Vag of Dishonor

2 Nov

It’s no secret that I embarrass myself on a regular basis. I’ve farted in a trainer’s face, a woman once congratulated me on my diarrhea, and I even confessed to taking a dump in an empty Porta Potty. Needless to say, I spend the majority of my time and energy trying to see if a person can actually die of humiliation.

Something else that people know about me is that I love to hike. I love the smell of the mountain air. I love the view at the top. I love being one of those annoying people on Facebook who posts dozens of photos to prove that her ass hasn’t yet melded with her couch.

"America's Funniest Home Videos, fuck yeah."

“Come on Maury, hurry up. I need to know if he’s the father.”

I had been wanting to do one particular trail in the Columbia River Gorge, and finally managed to get out there a few weeks ago. Most hikes have bathrooms at their trail heads, but once you’re out there, you’re on your own. Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , ,