The Baby Quiche Debacle

1 Jul

There’s something about a dare that I absolutely love. I blame my parents who enrolled me in a variety of sports programs when I was younger, fostering my unhealthy sense of competition.

  • “I dare you to press your bare butt cheeks against the car window as we drive down the freeway.”
  • “I bet you can’t eat a whole ghost pepper.”
  • “Are you brave enough to take the Bing It On challenge?”

Let’s just say that I would have rocked The Hunger Games.

Challenge_accepted

Katniss Shmatniss

Unfortunately, not every dare ends well. As any betting man will tell you, you’ll win some, and you’ll lose some. It should come as no surprise that most stories of my failure involved excessive consumption of alcohol.

A number of years ago I attended a house party that was so packed you had to lift your arms above your head to move around. By the time I got there the booze was gone, two people were passed out on the stairs, and a limbo competition was going on in the backyard.

I pushed my way to the kitchen because I’ve learned that when the liquor runs out, people evacuate the place where it used to exist. I was right, and managed to find a space where I could drink the tequila I brought without strangers hassling me to share.

At some point, a group of people came into the kitchen and started making baby quiches, cinnamon rolls, and Totino’s Pizza Rolls. I assumed they were stoned off of their asses because not only were they making the deadliest combination of party food I had ever witnessed, but one of them kept saying, “I pity the fool!” with roars of laughter following each time.

The messiah of potheads everywhere

The messiah of potheads everywhere

They started daring each other to do all sorts of stupid things, each one dumber than the last. They caught me staring longingly at them, and asked if I wanted to join. By this time, I had consumed nearly 3/4 of the fifth of tequila. Good judgment was not on my side.

“PSSSSSH. HELL YEAH I want to join.” Suddenly I sounded like a stoner.

They dared me to eat the entire tray of baby quiches in under a minute. I started off eating one by one, but soon realized that the more quiches I had in my mouth, the more I could be chewing at once. My cheeks were filled with quiche-y goodness, and I was able to eat every last one with 3 seconds to spare.

Artist's rendition of me at the party

Artist’s rendition of me at the party

At some point we started having a dancing competition. Why? When you’re drunk and/or stoned, you don’t really need a reason. For those who have never been complete idiots, let me assure you that mixing bargain brand quiches with too much tequila and dancing is just about the stupidest thing a person can do.

Soon I felt what I lovingly refer to as “The Lurch”. It’s that moment when your entire body starts conspiring against you when you’ve had too much to drink. Some people begin to feel the vomit rising up inside of them, and others experience extreme dizziness.

At that moment, The Lurch was happening in my intestines. The Trojan War. The French Revolution. Any fight scene in a Michel Bay film. There isn’t a battle in history that could compare to the warfare going on inside of my bowels at that moment.

Not this Lurch

Not this Lurch

House parties are not notorious for easy bathroom access. People lock themselves in there for a number of reasons: having sex, getting high, needing a place to pass out, tossing their cookies. I banged on a number of doors, but no answer. The situation was becoming dire.

I flew down the stairs, keeping an eye out for anywhere I could take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Panic began setting in. I have a hard enough time fitting in with others, incontinence surely wouldn’t help elevate my social status.

I remembered seeing a Porta Potty a few houses down, and flew out the door to find it. Good news: it was actually right next door. Bad news: it was up on a truck bed meaning it wasn’t in use.

So I did what any normal person I would do in these situations— I climbed up on the truck, got into the Porta Potty, and relieved myself in there anyway.

Because it wasn’t in use, there wasn’t any toilet paper. I remember saying, “Awesome. No, really, thanks God. That’s really wonderful of you to pitch in. You dick.”

So I did what any normal person I would do in these situations— I took off my underwear, used them as a wipe, and discarded them.

My new method of transportation to all parties

My new method of transportation to all parties

To this day, I wonder how the person who was responsible for that Porta Potty reacted the next morning. He probably left it on his truck thinking, “It’ll be safe out here. Nobody messes with a Porta Potty.” No, nobody does that. Not unless it is someone who has been partying like it’s 1999.

I didn’t go back to the party. I had enough sense to get in a cab and take myself (and my dirty, dirty ass) home.

I’ve scaled back on accepting dares in my older age. I’ve learned that fun doesn’t have to come as the result of pushing myself to potentially hazardous limits. I still enjoy a challenge. I still enjoy besting others in good fun. And now, because I’ve learned a little self-control, I also enjoy crapping from the comfort of my own throne.

111 Responses to “The Baby Quiche Debacle”

  1. lazylauramaisey 01/17/2014 at 4:09 pm #

    Wow. Just. Wow. This story is pretty epic. I came here via Sean Smithson’s KFC post and my evening is now very full of poo stories. All in all, a good evening.

  2. vyvacious 08/09/2013 at 1:18 am #

    I’m dying over here!!! HAHAHAHA!!

  3. George F. Wilson 07/09/2013 at 1:46 am #

    significant intestinal discomfort. I’ve heard that caffeine can exacerbate that problem, but had been choosing to ignore it. That’s a bad idea because I can’t exactly stop for a latte and potty break in the middle of a marathon.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/09/2013 at 10:18 pm #

      Well, you COULD but I don’t think the other marathoners would like that.

  4. List of X 07/07/2013 at 8:56 am #

    In my opinion, if a Porta Potty is unlocked, it’s fair game wherever it is.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:06 pm #

      I like your attitude. I wish I could take a big dump in your Porta Potty.

      • List of X 07/09/2013 at 11:12 am #

        I wish you could, but I don’t even own a Porta Potty, unfortunately. But on the other hand, I own plenty of TP.

  5. Shakti Ghosal 07/07/2013 at 1:02 am #

    Absolutely outrageous post, I laughed throughout!

    So what really is at the core of this over-competitiveness gene we see embedded in most folks nowadays? Is this an aspiration or a fear?

    Shakti

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:05 pm #

      I think, for me, it’s a bit of both. I love being able to accomplish something that nobody think I can, but I’m also afraid if I don’t take the dare that says something about me. I find that it’s more common in men than women, but with my group of friends, all bets are off.

  6. rarasaur 07/05/2013 at 10:03 pm #

    Hilarious!! This is probably the best argument for wearing underwear that I’ve ever read. I have no doubt that with out-of-the-box thinking like that, you’d have eaten Katniss alive! 😀

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:04 pm #

      I can’t imagine what would have happened if I was free vaggin’ it. I would have had to rip off my bra, letting my breasts fall to the floor where they seem to want to be.

  7. persephone2013 07/05/2013 at 8:27 am #

    Holy crap I can feel your pain. Takes me back to back when I’d drink too much and do stupid things; usually involved sex. But it also took me back to when I thought I had IBS and my bowls would move at the worst times, one time, forcing me to jump in the back of our car and use a double up grocery bag as a toilet, because we were on an interstate going through a major city, and my husband couldn’t find an exit with a toilet soon enough. Found out years later that I am just about allergic to dairy. Once I stopped eating all dairy, no more problem.

    Love that you had the porta potty right next door; and had the balls to climb up and use it!

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:04 pm #

      You shit into a garbage bag?! You, my dear friend, take the prize for the most brave person EVER.

      P.S. Dairy is also problematic for me, but not with my bowels. That stuff is the devil.

  8. BrainRants 07/03/2013 at 6:29 am #

    “…Take the Browns to the Super Bowl…” Yeah! Wrote that one down. No, I am not a Cleveland Fan. I am a fan of a nice, relaxed dump in the calm of one’s own bathroom.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:03 pm #

      There is something almost religious about sitting on your toilet, just letting your bowels sing their farewell song.

  9. Rohan 7 Things 07/03/2013 at 3:44 am #

    Lol, oh man! What a sight for the poor owner in the morning haha! I’ll bet they imagine something very kinky went down, oh my god. And your poor panties, they really took one for the team that night!

    Awesome story, and an excellent illustration of why I don’t take dares…

    Rohan.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:02 pm #

      You know, THAT is the story I should have told. “I was so sexy at that party that I lost my underwear in a Porta Potty after doing the hottest guy there.” NOBODY would have believed that.

  10. Stacie Chadwick 07/02/2013 at 8:58 pm #

    Even if I was sober in your shoes I would have never thought to use my undies as TP and ditch them. That was sheer brilliance you your part, and one of the many reasons why I’d want you by my side in a bar fight.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:01 pm #

      Oh, wait until you see my shiv making skills when I’m drunk…

  11. iRuniBreathe 07/02/2013 at 11:54 am #

    Not only are you shameless, in such brilliant ways, but you are also so versatile. It’s people like you who invented the wheel. (and then when they were drunk they did it again).

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:01 pm #

      I’m the guy who hangs out with the guy who invented the wheel, and then shit behind it when he got too drunk on Caveman Juice.

  12. rollergiraffe 07/02/2013 at 8:30 am #

    I think I found your underwear. Honestly, I always wondered what happened to that pair, and now I know. Thank you for putting my mind at ease after all these years. It has haunted me.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:00 pm #

      From the bottom of my heart I want to apologize to you. JUST KIDDING. Have fun with my skidmarks!

  13. RFL 07/02/2013 at 6:33 am #

    I applaud this story. Alcohol makes me susceptible to the dare also. I’ve never had a quiche/tequila emergency, but I know the lurch, have puked in inconvenient places, and I would have climbed into that potty and done the same thing. Freaking hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:59 pm #

      We should never EVER party together. Scratch that, you are now my wingwoman.

      P.S. Are you going to Blogger Interactive? It’s in Austin.

      • RFL 07/09/2013 at 6:46 am #

        Haha!
        I will be your wingwoman anytime. Bonus, with a toddler, I typical have wipes in my purse at all times. And crackers.
        I am going. I’ll be the one in the corner drinking heavily until I feel comfortable enough to speak!

      • RFL 07/09/2013 at 6:48 am #

        Hahaha!
        I will be your wingwoman anytime. Bonus, with a toddler, I have wipes in my purse at all times now. And crackers.
        I am planning on going to Blogger Interactive. I’ll be the one (one of the ones) in the corner drinking heavily until I feel comfortable enough to speak.

        • Jen and Tonic 07/09/2013 at 8:29 am #

          I’m helping plan it and I’M not sure I’ll be able to get over my social anxiety well enough to look like a functional human being.

          Happy you’re going!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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