The Baby Quiche Debacle

1 Jul

There’s something about a dare that I absolutely love. I blame my parents who enrolled me in a variety of sports programs when I was younger, fostering my unhealthy sense of competition.

  • “I dare you to press your bare butt cheeks against the car window as we drive down the freeway.”
  • “I bet you can’t eat a whole ghost pepper.”
  • “Are you brave enough to take the Bing It On challenge?”

Let’s just say that I would have rocked The Hunger Games.

Challenge_accepted

Katniss Shmatniss

Unfortunately, not every dare ends well. As any betting man will tell you, you’ll win some, and you’ll lose some. It should come as no surprise that most stories of my failure involved excessive consumption of alcohol.

A number of years ago I attended a house party that was so packed you had to lift your arms above your head to move around. By the time I got there the booze was gone, two people were passed out on the stairs, and a limbo competition was going on in the backyard.

I pushed my way to the kitchen because I’ve learned that when the liquor runs out, people evacuate the place where it used to exist. I was right, and managed to find a space where I could drink the tequila I brought without strangers hassling me to share.

At some point, a group of people came into the kitchen and started making baby quiches, cinnamon rolls, and Totino’s Pizza Rolls. I assumed they were stoned off of their asses because not only were they making the deadliest combination of party food I had ever witnessed, but one of them kept saying, “I pity the fool!” with roars of laughter following each time.

The messiah of potheads everywhere

The messiah of potheads everywhere

They started daring each other to do all sorts of stupid things, each one dumber than the last. They caught me staring longingly at them, and asked if I wanted to join. By this time, I had consumed nearly 3/4 of the fifth of tequila. Good judgment was not on my side.

“PSSSSSH. HELL YEAH I want to join.” Suddenly I sounded like a stoner.

They dared me to eat the entire tray of baby quiches in under a minute. I started off eating one by one, but soon realized that the more quiches I had in my mouth, the more I could be chewing at once. My cheeks were filled with quiche-y goodness, and I was able to eat every last one with 3 seconds to spare.

Artist's rendition of me at the party

Artist’s rendition of me at the party

At some point we started having a dancing competition. Why? When you’re drunk and/or stoned, you don’t really need a reason. For those who have never been complete idiots, let me assure you that mixing bargain brand quiches with too much tequila and dancing is just about the stupidest thing a person can do.

Soon I felt what I lovingly refer to as “The Lurch”. It’s that moment when your entire body starts conspiring against you when you’ve had too much to drink. Some people begin to feel the vomit rising up inside of them, and others experience extreme dizziness.

At that moment, The Lurch was happening in my intestines. The Trojan War. The French Revolution. Any fight scene in a Michel Bay film. There isn’t a battle in history that could compare to the warfare going on inside of my bowels at that moment.

Not this Lurch

Not this Lurch

House parties are not notorious for easy bathroom access. People lock themselves in there for a number of reasons: having sex, getting high, needing a place to pass out, tossing their cookies. I banged on a number of doors, but no answer. The situation was becoming dire.

I flew down the stairs, keeping an eye out for anywhere I could take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Panic began setting in. I have a hard enough time fitting in with others, incontinence surely wouldn’t help elevate my social status.

I remembered seeing a Porta Potty a few houses down, and flew out the door to find it. Good news: it was actually right next door. Bad news: it was up on a truck bed meaning it wasn’t in use.

So I did what any normal person I would do in these situations— I climbed up on the truck, got into the Porta Potty, and relieved myself in there anyway.

Because it wasn’t in use, there wasn’t any toilet paper. I remember saying, “Awesome. No, really, thanks God. That’s really wonderful of you to pitch in. You dick.”

So I did what any normal person I would do in these situations— I took off my underwear, used them as a wipe, and discarded them.

My new method of transportation to all parties

My new method of transportation to all parties

To this day, I wonder how the person who was responsible for that Porta Potty reacted the next morning. He probably left it on his truck thinking, “It’ll be safe out here. Nobody messes with a Porta Potty.” No, nobody does that. Not unless it is someone who has been partying like it’s 1999.

I didn’t go back to the party. I had enough sense to get in a cab and take myself (and my dirty, dirty ass) home.

I’ve scaled back on accepting dares in my older age. I’ve learned that fun doesn’t have to come as the result of pushing myself to potentially hazardous limits. I still enjoy a challenge. I still enjoy besting others in good fun. And now, because I’ve learned a little self-control, I also enjoy crapping from the comfort of my own throne.

111 Responses to “The Baby Quiche Debacle”

  1. Alex H 07/02/2013 at 3:37 am #

    Awesome……..Just Awesome Share.I love it.Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:58 pm #

      You look forward to more stories of my poo? I like your style, Alex.

  2. PinotNinja 07/01/2013 at 7:47 pm #

    This is such an amazing story. It has all of my favorite elements for a good night: tequila, pizza rolls, dares, and a dance party. And, most of all, ingenuity. Somehow I have never put it together to use my underwear as toilet paper (not that I have ever found myself in this situation….), and you have just made my life so much more bearable. See you later days of air drying and wiping with the cardboard roll where the toilet paper once lived. Saint Jen and Tonic you are definitely the patron of all things debaucherous.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:58 pm #

      This blog is nothing if not informational. Being drunk is much like being stoned, you suddenly tap into parts of your brain you normally don’t use. I swear I can do math much better after a glass of wine.

  3. Lyssapants 07/01/2013 at 7:45 pm #

    You need to come to a party at my place.
    I’ll even supply the quiche.

    • List of X 07/07/2013 at 8:46 am #

      But not the TP?

      • Lyssapants 07/07/2013 at 12:41 pm #

        TP is expensive, yo. It’ll be BYOR. Bring you own roll.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:57 pm #

      Oh, you didn’t know I was already planning on crashing your wedding?

      • Lyssapants 07/08/2013 at 7:59 pm #

        No RSVP, no quiche.

        • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:00 pm #

          I’ll have to resort to eating $20 worth of Jack in the Box tacos before then. It has the same effect.

          • Lyssapants 07/08/2013 at 8:46 pm #

            Jack in the Box makes tacos?!

          • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 8:55 pm #

            2 for a dollar, fo realz

  4. writerwendyreid 07/01/2013 at 6:52 pm #

    You are so fucking hilarious…I would love to party with you someday. I don’t think I’ve ever had a similar problem while drunk. Usually I just end up naked and in bed with someone I desperately try to forget the next day.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:57 pm #

      I don’t know if the world could handle us partying together. Ending up naked in bed with someone is probably MUCH better than shitting in an empty toilet.

  5. becca3416 07/01/2013 at 6:02 pm #

    QUICHE… not even once….

    • mollytopia 07/01/2013 at 6:40 pm #

      Bahahaha – I love it! Laughed the whole way through. Tequila, quiche and porta potties is always an awesome, awesome time. Great post!

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:56 pm #

      No cake and no cereal and no quiche? It’s like…I don’t know you anymore.

  6. sistasertraline 07/01/2013 at 5:39 pm #

    I once blocked a toilet with a poo so wide it wouldn’t go up the pipe (no, I’m not a porn actress thank you), so I legged it and then word spread throughout the party and I was made to go look at it in all its glory again and pretend I’d never seen it before :-s

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:55 pm #

      That’s brilliant! You not only created a problem and found a solution, but found a way to make a spectacle out of it. I bow down to your genius.

      • sistasertraline 07/09/2013 at 12:40 am #

        Thanks for making me laugh out loud again and for cheering me up in my sickbed 🙂

  7. daniheart21 07/01/2013 at 4:19 pm #

    OMG! I guess when you are desperate you just do what you have to do. LOL LOL LOL That is too too funny. I could totally see you Jen as rockin the Katniss Everdeen role. 🙂 Fun post.

  8. UndercoverL 07/01/2013 at 4:06 pm #

    Amazeballs…

  9. speaker7 07/01/2013 at 2:53 pm #

    I’m amazed that you had the wherewithall to wipe with your undies. I probably would have ended up like one of those dogs that scurries it butt across a carpet.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:54 pm #

      That would have required me to get out of the Porta Potty, jump off the truck and then find a patch of grass. I was drunk, not Wonder Woman.

  10. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins 07/01/2013 at 2:35 pm #

    Reblogged this on ASpoonfulofSuga and commented:
    The Classic Baby Quiche Debacle read it and enjoy

  11. Bill Friday 07/01/2013 at 2:26 pm #

    Okay, so who HASN’T had those seksi moments in their early years of post-adolescent development? Who HASN’T walked across a busy six-lane highway on a Saturday night to vomit Neapolitan wafer cookies washed down with Southern Comfort (cut with diet Dr. Pepper) in front of a fire pit at the beach? Who HASN’T eaten a fourth meal (and fifth meal) from Taco Bell, only to play a hockey game with a few buddies, then shart like a crazed Neanderthal in a helmet while on a breakaway in open ice?

    At least you had a port-a-potty… and underwear!!!

    Next post…?

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:53 pm #

      The Neanderthal shitting into a helmet thing is STILL making me laugh. What would the Geico Caveman think?!

      Also, SoCo is no bueno. I once threw up underneath someone’s couch cushions (and left it there) after drinking too much of it.

  12. Christopher De Voss 07/01/2013 at 1:56 pm #

    It’s hard to combine quiches and Porta Potty in one post. Excellent. I would dare you to do it, but you already did.

  13. El Guapo 07/01/2013 at 1:55 pm #

    I think I was at that party.
    In fact, I think I was you.

    Definitely one of my prouder moments.

    • UndercoverL 07/01/2013 at 4:07 pm #

      Brilliant!!

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:51 pm #

      For a second there I thought you were going to say you were the owner of the Porta Potty. I was trying to think if Hallmark made a “sorry I shitted on your property” card.

      • El Guapo 07/08/2013 at 7:53 pm #

        Now would that be with the cards for Graduation, or Anniversary of Your Incarceration? 😉

        (And don’t tip those. the smell just lingers for days.)
        (Or so I’ve heard…)

        • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:56 pm #

          This is the PERFECT card to add to my greeting card line.

  14. Elyse 07/01/2013 at 1:40 pm #

    Perhaps you educated that port-a-potty owner. Always have TP for the ladies. Me, I carry my own.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/08/2013 at 7:50 pm #

      Now that I’m into all sorts of preparedness shit (no pun intended) I do carry some with me, but at that age? I had a hard enough time remembering my car keys.

  15. Katie 07/01/2013 at 1:21 pm #

    Oh my gosh, the underwear?!? BRILLIANT. I mean, not that this happens to me often, but underwear is totally expendable in that situation and that’s never occurred to me before.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 6:51 pm #

      The next time you find yourself almost squeezing out a turd without a wipe handy, you’ll know what to do.

  16. Kylie 07/01/2013 at 1:09 pm #

    Using your underwear as a wipe = brilliant!! I’m sure that will come in handy some day!

    I don’t have any outrageous drunk stories, but I do have some only-fit-to-be-published-anonymously poop-emergency stories. Poopidemics, if you will 😉

    This was hilarious. I pity the fool who doesn’t read this post. There. I said it.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 6:50 pm #

      Being drunk makes people really inventive sometimes. And yes, even *I* have some stories that I won’t be sharing on this blog. Okay, maybe I will.

      I’m curious as to what your stories are…

      • Kylie 07/01/2013 at 8:21 pm #

        And that is a state in which you shall remain! But I might share a good story involving strong cheese.

        • Kylie 07/01/2013 at 8:28 pm #

          Also, this just happened: as I was typing that last comment, my 2-year old ran up to me and said he had to go poopy on the potty.
          I swooped him and took him to do his business.
          When I was putting his pull-up and Jammie pants back on, I noticed something on the bathroom floor. It was roughly the shape and color of a prune.

          But it wasn’t a prune.

          I just picked it up with my bare hands and flushed it.

          And now I’m telling you. But don’t worry, I washed my hands first.

  17. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 07/01/2013 at 12:11 pm #

    You inspired a post – 🙂

  18. michellestodden 07/01/2013 at 12:02 pm #

    Oh My God.

    I just… oh my god. I totally get it.

  19. Burns the Fire 07/01/2013 at 11:55 am #

    Freakishly, despite many valiant attempts by friends, I have never gotten drunk in my life. Now thanks to you, I feel like I have.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 12:03 pm #

      You’ve never been drunk? If you want to relive the best parts of this situation just poop in an awkward place, and then use your underwear to clean you up. There, you’ve got the experience!

      • Burns the Fire 07/01/2013 at 6:48 pm #

        You know I wasn’t trying to be obnoxious, right? What I meant to say, perhaps awkwardly, is that your post is so vividly drawn, so visceral, I felt like I shat in a weird place and used my underwear to swipe me clean. Well-done!

        • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 6:49 pm #

          Oh, I absolutely knew you weren’t trying to be obnoxious. Even if you were, that’s what my blog is about. I just got done talking about shitting in an empty toilet. All kinds are welcome here 😉

  20. twindaddy 07/01/2013 at 11:53 am #

    You have absolutely no class…I love that about you.

  21. Ashley Austrew 07/01/2013 at 11:51 am #

    Can’t. Breathe.

    Laughing. Too. Hard.

  22. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 07/01/2013 at 11:35 am #

    I think I love you, Jen

  23. Madame Weebles 07/01/2013 at 11:33 am #

    Sweet baby Satan, I was laughing at your expense for most of this blog, but when I got to “take the Browns to the Super Bowl” I thought I’d pee. That might be the one euphemism I hadn’t already heard. Good thing about that porta potty. That’s not something you usually find just lying around, so at least God met you halfway, even if he didn’t give you TP.

    • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 07/01/2013 at 11:41 am #

      I would have to agree with EVERYTHING that Weebs said…

    • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 12:00 pm #

      It’s actually disturbing how many alternate names I know for taking a poop. I’m sure my parents are really proud they sunk all of that money into Catholic School to give me a better education.

      And you’re right, I should have given God more credit. I was so full of shit at that point I wasn’t thinking clearly.

      • Is Everyone an Idiot but Me? 07/10/2013 at 11:22 am #

        I would love to see a post that is just a list of the euphemisms you have for taking a poop. I have never heard take the Browns to the Super Bowl but I love it. One of my favorites is dump truck but it’s not that subtle.

  24. The Cutter 07/01/2013 at 11:31 am #

    I’m guessing whoever is responsible for that port-a-potty has seen it all before.

    • Jen and Tonic 07/01/2013 at 11:58 am #

      Excellent point. Still, even jaded people can be caught off guard.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Would you like to buy some Chiclets? | The Mercenary Researcher - 07/01/2013

    […] memory was inspired by a far better story from Sips of Jen and Tonic – which you simply must read after […]

Sound off on this Sip

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: