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Love Disconnection

Bugs crawling into my ears at night. Getting pregnant with triplets. Being forced to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is only one thing scarier than all of those things, and it’s internet dating.

It should come as no surprise that I’m not the best at dating. I can certainly hike up my breasts until they’re at cruising altitude, and I always refrain from using my shirt collar as a napkin until we’re in the “I accidentally farted on you” stage of our relationship. The thing I don’t have on my side is the ability to pretend I like stupid people who waste my time.

Internet dating has its benefits, but the relative anonymity of it coupled with the ease of access to thousands of potential mates has created a problem for those interested in a serious relationship. Gone are the days of daters trying to pretend they’re halfway normal, and in are the days of suitors asking if you’d like a dick picture after you tell them you work in marketing.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the gems I’ve met online.

The guy who isn’t letting his marriage get in the way of his dating life

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Tags: dating, dating app, dating in portland, dating sucks, dick pictures, humor, internet dating, okcupid, online dating, Portland, skout, tinder

Comments 95 Comments
Categories Relationships

The Great Escape

8 Aug

I am a fairly vigilant person, and take precautions against the world’s dangers. I have locks on my windows. I don’t give out personal information over the phone. I make sure to shower with my clothes on so that if I slip and die, the paramedics won’t have to look at my naked body.

I love to hike, and there is an inherent risk in being in the wilderness. Falling from great heights, changing course and getting lost, and wild animals that think your flesh tastes better than a Jack In The Box taco.

The woods also seem to attract homicidal maniacs. There are no shortage of films highlighting this fact:

High altitudes make people cray cray.

So it’s not surprising that I’m extra careful when I venture out into the forest. Sunblock? Check. Epi pen? Check. Water? Check. Not that any of this will help me avoid a murderous sociopath, but it’s nice to avoid sunburns, fatal allergic reactions, and dehydration. Continue reading →

Tags: fear, forest park, hiking, humor, law & order, my fridge wants to kill me, neurotic, Portland

Comments 95 Comments
Categories All About Me, I'm Neurotic, No Shame

12 Days of Christmas- Day 3

12 Dec

I thought Day 1 of this series was great, but Day 2 was even better! All of you brought your ‘A’ game, and I saw a lot of really cool videos for the first time. If I could, I’d buy each of you a drink, and then yawn and put my arm around you. Let’s face it, you want that too.

Moving on to Day 3…

I look a good challenge. I tried to get David Hasselhoff to tweet me back when Le Clown issued this Twitter challenge on his blog. I created and completed NaNoWriNO. I once outdrank a Russian gymnast in an effort to win $20 bucks and a blackened liver.

I recently read a post David Harding put up about his P izzaBoxDrawcember contest, and knew I had to enter. You need to click that little link to read the full story, but let me summarize the rules here:

Order a pizza
Ask the pizza making wizards to draw a gorilla throwing dice on the pizza box (other drawings acceptable, but I tried to keep with the original theme)
Leave the fate of your drawing in the hands of a pizza pusher

I like pizza. I like gorillas. I like David. I like winning. NO BRAINER. Continue reading →

Tags: contest, david harding, garlic jim's, giveaway, gorillas throwing dice, humor, Oregon, pizza, pizzaboxdrawcember, Portland

Comments 80 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Challenges, Do Gooding

Oregon vs. California

31 Aug

Credit: adapted from artwork by Vacuum3D

I’ve lived in Oregon for three years now, and only recently have I felt like I’ve adjusted to living here. It’s not that this is a bad place; rather, moving from California seemed like coming from a different planet. The two places couldn’t be more opposite, and sometimes it shocks me that they actually border each other.

Quite often in the first year after we moved I threatened go back home. The people drove too slowly, I couldn’t find one decent Mexican restaurant, I was convinced the radio stations only had three songs they all played on a loop. My significant other would remind me that homesickness clouds our judgment about the place we were so desperate to get out of in the first place.

He was right. I had forgotten about all of the things which really bothered me about my home state because I was so focused on griping about the new place. So I did some side-by-side comparisons, and realized both have their quirks.

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Tags: Are Californians crazy, California, Life in Oregon vs. California, Living in Portland, Moving to Oregon, Oregon, Oregonians drive too slowly, Portland, smackdown

Comments 64 Comments
Categories Uncategorized

Open Letter: Hipsters

28 Jun

Dear Hipsters,

I used to be really fond of you guys. I thought your love of vinyl records was pretty cool. When you brought back wayfarers I shouted with joy. I appreciated your efforts to inform others about the importance of recycling. I adored that you rocked Chucks, my footwear of choice.

Then, somewhere along the way, you became annoying. We’re not talking about the kind of annoying where I can count to ten and go to my happy place. It’s not the type of annoying where you go for a short walk and all is forgotten. I’m talking about the kind of annoying that makes a person want to punch unicorns in the face.

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