Some of you may not know this, but I am married to a much younger woman. In a very official Facebook ceremony, I got hitched to the always lovely TJ Lubrano. We had a beautiful e-ceremony near a pond filled with afro ducks, and the guests feasted on Appelflappen and cupcakes all night long. We twirled in circles, the guests UNTZed on the dance floor, and lots of glitter was tossed about. It was like an acid trip, but without all of the nasty side effects and eventual rehab stint.
Alas, I’ve been a terrible wife to her. I have not once done the dishes, and I constantly leave the toilet seat up. I’ve totally let myself go, and haven’t worn a pair of pants with a zipper and button since we walked down the aisle. I spend hours wrapped up in Pinterest, and I force her to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta with me. Worst of all, I never took my darling bride on a honeymoon!
I needed to redeem myself because, seriously, how can you just skip over the honeymoon like that? I needed to plan something spectacular, a trip for the ages. So I flipped through numerous (okay, two) travel brochures, and decided I should take her to Disneyland! She screamed so loudly when I told her that I now have permanent hearing damage in my left ear.
She took a Percocet prior to taking off, and slept like a little angel the whole way. She woke up refreshed and ready to go:
Being from The Netherlands, she didn’t understand that the carousel was for baggage and not for people. She took a few spins before TSA officials threatened to throw her in airplane jail:
Once we got to the park, we made a mad dash to the castle so she could live out her Disney princess fantasy. Now she says I’ve got to buy her “something with a tower”…GREAT:
The first ride we went on was “It’s a Small World” and she loved it! I wanted to shoot myself, but you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love:
She attempted to pull the sword from the stone, but she choked. All the strollers watching her made her nervous:
Even though it was a hot day, she made us climb up Tarzan’s Tree House. I almost died of heat stroke, but it was all worth it when I saw the smile on her face:
We headed over to Disney California Adventure Park, and she forced me to go on the Monsters Inc. ride with her. I think we were the only people over the age of 5 on it:
We played some carnival games, and because I have an arm an MLB pitcher would envy, I won her a Dumbo stuffed animal:
We visited Fantasyland, and she was running around begging me to take pictures of her with every statue we came across! I found out later she had been drinking Jungle Juice she snuck into the park:
It was obvious I needed to get her out of there so we went back to the hotel, and I put her in some water wings and let her swim herself sober:
As we walked back to our room, we noticed people with gaming t-shirts on. Upon further investigation, we found out that there was a Major League Gaming tournament going on in the convention center next door. TJ is a huge League of Legends fan, and got to meet a famous gamer girl called Nikasaur:
On our last night there, we decided to head on over to Downtown Disney so that we could check out all of the shops. 17 souvenirs and $800 dollars later, we had t-shirts, postcards and enough magnets to fill up 5 fridges. Unfortunately, on the way out, their SUPER AWESOME security team tried to confiscate my bride because she supposedly posed a security threat to the park. The only thing being threatened at Disneyland are the visitors’ credit card limits:
I had a great time, and I hope you all enjoyed getting a peek inside our romantic, drunken, expensive Honeymoon. If you want to learn more about the woman who captured my heart, please visit her on all corners of the web:
I love you TJ!!!!!!!!!
Do you want to be a Team Tonic Troublemaker? E-mail me at SipsofJenandTonic@gmail.com along with a picture. Not interested in being a Troublemaker? You can still have sexy party times with me on Twitter or Facebook.
Until next time…