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Caffeine and Christmas Cards

I wanted to publish this post yesterday, but couldn’t because of a monkey on my back. Not an actual monkey as they can be volatile and rip your face off without warning. Let me take you back in time so I can explain…

Caffeine and I have had a tempestuous relationship. Growing up, I thought coffee tasted like chalk. My mom and her relatives would sit around the table while the kids came around like waiters, bringing them their liquid crack. When I wasn’t acting like a slave, I was sneaking little tastes here and there. I vowed never to drink it.

Photo by Julius Schorzman

Then college happened. It was the late 90’s. It was Seattle. It was cold. I was tired. Starbucks stores were on every single corner. I was like one of those vulnerable people who fell into a cult, only I was worshiping baristas. Continue reading →

Tags: ALL CAPS RAGE, caffeine addiction, christmas, christmas card, drug dealing bear, hooked on tonics, humor, jerkasaurus rex, ketamine, my mom treated me like a coffee slave, WTF is up with Justin Timberlake's pube head?

Comments 109 Comments
Categories All About Me, Hooked on Tonic

Beyond The Apocalypse

29 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 29

Topic: 2013 and beyond

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There’s this guy on WordPress named Le Clown. Haven’t heard of him? Consider yourself a (wo)man alone on an island because he’s kind of a big deal. He put up a post a couple of days ago talking about his plans for his blog in 2013, and graciously agreed to let me steal his idea and talk about what I’ll be doing on Sips of Jen and Tonic next year.

Of course, we might be getting ahead of ourselves here. If the Mayan calendars were correct, we’ll all be dust on December 21st, and any plans we had are going to explode into a fiery oblivion. What a downer those Mayans were. I’ve always had a problem with authority so I’m simply not going to let the apocalypse affect me.

Let’s start off by talking about what my plans were for 2012:

Money
World domination

All I wanted to do was make it rain

If my bank account and social status are any indication of how I did, I’d say that I didn’t meet either of those goals. On the plus side, my credit is now good enough to get a real cell phone instead of a prepaid one. Finally! A phone that isn’t endorsed by every drug dealer in the city.

Continue reading →

Tags: bill friday, do any of you shitheads even read these tags?, end of the world 2012, le clown, mayans are debbie downers, money and world domination are important to me, phonics by tonic, plans for my blog

Comments 73 Comments
Categories Hooked on Tonic, NaNoWriNo

Getting A Facelift

21 Oct

Well, I didn’t get a facelift, but my blog did! As many of you probably noticed, the header is remarkably different from the boring block lettering which used to be there. One of the great things about blogging is that it connects you with all sorts of people from various artistic corners of the web. One such person is my dear friend Tahira (TJ) Lubrano, the person who is responsible for how snazzy pants my site looks these days. I wanted to give her this little shout out as my way of thanking her for the hard work she put into making my blog easier on the eyes.

TJ’s art speaks to me on so many levels. It’s fun. It’s imaginative. It’s colorful. It’s happy. It’s playful. It’s beautiful. I could go on and on, but I thought I’d let her brilliant illustrations speak for themselves.

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Tags: art, blog header, illustrations, tahira lubrano, tj lubrano illustrations

Comments 83 Comments
Categories Hooked on Tonic, Misc.

My Baby Turned One!

16 Sep

Oh, please. You didn’t think I was talking about an actual baby did you? There’s a better chance of me pushing a Stretch Hummer Limo out of my Virginia Woolf than there is of me birthing a belly alien. I’m talking about my blog! Yesterday Sips of Jen and Tonic turned the big 0-1.

I honestly can’t believe it has been a year since I left a former site I wrote for and blazed my own trail. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a platform for becoming rich and famous. I figured in no time I’d be raking in dough so quickly the FBI would think I was operating a drug ring in my spare time. I’ve got star quality; unfortunately, it’s not apparent to anyone else but me and my mom.

My parents consider me successful because I didn’t end up living in their basement

Continue reading →

Tags: blog anniversary, blogiversary, Carol Brady is a biatch, hooked on tonic, I'm a sex maniac, jen and tonic, sips of jen and tonic, why are you all so much better than I am

Comments 76 Comments
Categories Hooked on Tonic, Milestones

J&T: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

5 Sep

I have been on a blogging hiatus as some of you (okay, all of you) noticed. I’ve been busy with all sorts of life things, and had to take a step away to take care of business. I still owe you a post on everything that has been going on with me, but I had to come back today because it’s a special occasion. No, I’m not announcing that I’m pregnant with David Hasselhoff’s baby, or that scientists have decided to study a genetic mutation I have which causes my extreme awesomeness. Today is the birthday of my matey from another lady, Sara from Laments and Lullabies!

Some of you may not know this, but Sara and I go way back. Not like we-shared-a-womb-and-she-hogged-all-of-the-good-fluid kind of way back, but the kind that has allowed us to share many fun experiences together. How does one honor a friend like this on her birthday? I was going to write a long post about how beautiful and talented and funny and cool she is, but isn’t that common knowledge? Instead, I’ve decided to invite all of you to take a look back at some of my favorite moments with her.

Halloween 2009. She didn’t have a sidecar so she made me ride on the roof of her Smart car.