Caffeine and Christmas Cards

I wanted to publish this post yesterday, but couldn’t because of a monkey on my back. Not an actual monkey as they can be volatile and rip your face off without warning. Let me take you back in time so I can explain…

Caffeine and I have had a tempestuous relationship. Growing up, I thought coffee tasted like chalk. My mom and her relatives would sit around the table while the kids came around like waiters, bringing them their liquid crack. When I wasn’t acting like a slave, I was sneaking little tastes here and there. I vowed never to drink it.

Photo by Julius Schorzman

Then college happened. It was the late 90’s. It was Seattle. It was cold. I was tired. Starbucks stores were on every single corner. I was like one of those vulnerable people who fell into a cult, only I was worshiping baristas.

Fast forward 13 years, and I’ve tried to kick the habit dozens of times. I stay away from it for a couple of weeks while doing a cleanse, or for a few days when I’m on a camping trip and don’t have access to my arsenal of addictive substances. Do you know how hard it is to get Ketamine in the woods?

Prior to NaNoWriNO, I had determined that caffeine was ruining my writing. It was hard for me to sleep, hard for me to concentrate, hard for me to sit still. I struggled to squeak out a few sentences, and there were times when I was in tears over my inability to focus and write.

So I kicked my bitch lover, caffeine.

I thought I was going to die during the initial detox. The first few days I had so little energy I slept nearly 16 hours a day. Once I came out of my comatose state, I had a headache so bad that the only way to alleviate it would have been decapitation. I was shaky and nauseous and cranky. I was a jerkasaurus rex.

Eventually I stabilized, and my ability to write became easier as I suspected it would. I completed NaNoWriNO, and took a short break to recuperate. I went to a coffee shop on Tuesday to write this post, and ordered a decaf coffee. They were out, but said a fresh batch would be done soon. Bueno.

No bueno. Somehow the barista had forgotten that I ordered decaf, and filled my cup with regular. I’m sure of it. I was anxious, sweaty and stayed up way past my bedtime. I tried to write my post, but the caffeine wordblocked me. I went into an ALL CAPS RAGE.

Luckily, I woke up the next day and wasn’t hungover from my accidental caffeine binge. Even now, 459 words later, I still haven’t written the post I originally intended.

Here’s what I had wanted to say: I want to send out Christmas cards to my Hooked on Tonics this year. I’m sure this will be some project I think is a good idea now, but will become a thorn in my side later on. Similar ideas include, but are not limited to:

• NaNoWriNO
• Being President of the Pauly Shore fan club
• Pretending that a Lean Cuisine isn’t just an appetizer for my real lunch
• Buying stock in Hostess, Inc.
• Watching any movie Jennifer Lopez has been in

“But Jen, why would we want to get a stupid card from you?” Because 9 out of 10 doctors agree that receiving gifts from me will lower your cholesterol, and help you keep your erection three times longer. That last doctor is just mad because I haven’t paid him for the rabies shot he gave me after I got into pissing match with a raccoon that ended badly for me.

Still need an incentive? I’ll be including a creative picture of myself which may look something like these lovely shots:

Credit: SketchySantas.com

Credit: Photo by Andre Csillag / Rex USA (238096ku)

This is the greatest collage to have ever been produced

Send your name and address to sipsofjenandtonic@gmail.com if you’d like to receive the gift that keeps on giving. Seasons greetings, bitches.

Tags: ALL CAPS RAGE, caffeine addiction, christmas, christmas card, drug dealing bear, hooked on tonics, humor, jerkasaurus rex, ketamine, my mom treated me like a coffee slave, WTF is up with Justin Timberlake's pube head?