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Caffeine and Christmas Cards

I wanted to publish this post yesterday, but couldn’t because of a monkey on my back. Not an actual monkey as they can be volatile and rip your face off without warning. Let me take you back in time so I can explain…

Caffeine and I have had a tempestuous relationship. Growing up, I thought coffee tasted like chalk. My mom and her relatives would sit around the table while the kids came around like waiters, bringing them their liquid crack. When I wasn’t acting like a slave, I was sneaking little tastes here and there. I vowed never to drink it.

Photo by Julius Schorzman

Then college happened. It was the late 90’s. It was Seattle. It was cold. I was tired. Starbucks stores were on every single corner. I was like one of those vulnerable people who fell into a cult, only I was worshiping baristas. Continue reading →

Tags: ALL CAPS RAGE, caffeine addiction, christmas, christmas card, drug dealing bear, hooked on tonics, humor, jerkasaurus rex, ketamine, my mom treated me like a coffee slave, WTF is up with Justin Timberlake's pube head?

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Categories All About Me, Hooked on Tonic

How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing: Continue reading →