How-to: Suckage Revisited

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing:

1. Pronouncing words like “Mexico” as “Meh-hee-co” when the closest you’ve come to celebrating Hispanic culture in the last year is eating at Taco Bell.
2. Checking into your gym on Facebook, and later updating your status to let everyone know how many miles you went on a bicycle going absolutely nowhere.
3. Using self-checkouts at grocery stores when it’s apparent the scanning and bagging and swiping of the card is too much for you to handle.
4. Sniffling instead of blowing your nose. All it does is make the rest of us think your head is filled with boogers.
5. Posting pictures where you’ve obviously done yourself up, and then caption it with, “Ugh, I look like a mess but thought I’d post anyway.” I will respond with, “You’re more of a wreck than the Titanic” every single time.
6. Pretending that you’ve aged gracefully when your expressionless face and beach ball boobs indicate otherwise.
7. TyPiNg LiKe YoUr ShIfT kEy HaS a MiNd Of ItS oWn.
8. Keeping your windshield wipers going double time when it’s barely sprinkling. Not only does it ruin the blades, but the sound they make when they drag across the glass is proof the devil is among us.
9. Man bashing. If a bunch of men sat around talking about how stupid and lazy women are for kicks, special interest groups would go insane in the membrane. Instead of spending your time joking about the male population’s shortcomings over Cosmopolitans, spend your time pondering why you surround yourself with such crappy dudes.
10. Giving a handshake with a soft hand, and limp wrist. It’s a polite way of saying, “I’d rather have acid on my face than make contact with you.”
11. Putting those “daddy bought it but I got it” license plate frames on your cars. Being born to rich parents is not an accomplishment, and your dad being your sugar daddy is actually really creepy.
12. Fighting with your partner in front of other people. I can appreciate that he no longer compliments you, and that she doesn’t support your dream of being king of fantasy football, but save that for when you get home. If you aren’t mature enough to wait to talk when you’re finally alone, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
13. Being one of those “cool parents” who let their kids drink or smoke. Even worse, let their child’s boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over at your house. All of these things are a privilege, and are reserved for adults who are self-sufficient enough to do this stuff in the comfort of their own homes.
14. Letting your dog jump all over other people. Some people (like me) don’t mind, but there are others who don’t like Fido acting as though he just ingested bath salts. This is especially true for people with allergies who will be scratching themselves in very uncomfortable places for days.
15. Treating your young children like they’re parrots. If I see one more photo of a toddler pretending to drink a beer, or hear parents glorifying how Tiny Tim knows the lyrics to a Lil Wayne song, I’m going to sterilize someone.
16. Saying that you have to “go number 2”. Not only does this make you seem Amish, but there are so many other creative ways of saying you have to poop: dropping a deuce, taking a dump truck, making room for dessert or releasing the kraken.
17. Bombarding your friends’ inboxes with “cause” e-mails. I get that you’re passionate about whales who get called fat by dolphins, but not all of us are. Instead of forwarding spam,  go out there and actually do something about it.
18. Being smug about your useless degree. You may be impressed by your MFA in Up Your Assness from NYU, but the rest of think you’re miserable to be around.
19. Arguing in comment sections on WordPress, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube or any other place online where you can post your thoughts. Hiding behind your computer screen and flying into an ALL CAPS RAGE doesn’t prove anything except what a buttnut you are.
20. Being Tom Cruise.

What things would be on your “do not do” list?

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Thanks to Alice from aliceatwonderland for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 2 post

NaNoWriNO Day 4 post

Tags: ALL CAPS RAGE, ann coulter is a nightmare, arguing on the internet is lame, humor, I love lists, people suck, things people do that annoy me, tom cruise sucks, you're a wreck like the titanic, your mfa is useless