Cruise Control Freak

1 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 1

Topic: Scientology and their medication-hating psychologist-at-large, Tom Cruise


It’s no secret that I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a terrible actor, he marries robots, and his toothy grin looks like it would chew through your soul if given the opportunity. Worst of all, he’s in a cult a Scientologist. I’m no spiritual adviser, but the last time I checked, most religions didn’t require payment plans.

I honestly don’t care that he wants to be part of an organization that has as much validity as a Bernie Madoff investment plan. I think everyone has the right to choose, and if you choose to funnel money into a spaceship built to take you back to the Galactic Confederacy, who am I to judge?

It’s Mr. Cruise’s insistence on opening his mouth and spewing his arrogant, half-witted philosophies that causes me to reach John McEnroe levels of anger. This is a man who chose to star in Rock of Ages, and we’re supposed to listen to anything he says? I’ll take my chances and search for the meaning of life on my own, Tommy Boy.

This got me thinking, what if he had the opportunity to toss his ideas around with some of the greatest minds that ever lived? Would he actually hold his own? Worse, would they find validity in his assertions? I did a little research, and found “sound bites” from sit downs with people who actually knew something about something.

The Dalai Lama and Tom Cruise at The Olive Garden

Word on the street is Plato put Tom in a Full Nelson shortly after this

Despite being a pacifist, Gandhi had no choice but to bitch slap Tom

“As an expert in the phallic stage of development, I can spot a dick when I see one.”

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a person by his ability to pick a religion…you will realize that Tom is a dumbass.”

“I know ‘thou shalt not kill’ is a commandment, but it didn’t say anything about opening a well-deserved can of whoop ass.”

This man is an atrocity on two legs, and the only praiseworthy thing he has done in recent years is call Matt Lauer glib on national television. We’re all entitled to our own beliefs, but that privilege stops when you use your celebrity to deliver an offensive and nonsensical diatribe. At minimum, he’s a narcissist; most likely, there are other mental illnesses hidden beneath Scientological brainwashing.

Tom, if you’re reading this, please stop talking. Stop talking about psychiatry when you are not educated enough to make medically accurate statements. Stop talking about how Scientology has improved your life when you couldn’t make any one of your three marriages work. Stop talking about how you’re the only one who can save someone from an accident when you probably aren’t even current on your CPR certification. Just. Stop. Talking.

Matt Lauer may be glib, but you’re an asshole.


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93 Responses to “Cruise Control Freak”

  1. Smaktakula 11/05/2012 at 10:37 am #

    Great post. And although I pretty much agree with you (maybe even wholeheartedly), there is a perverse part of my nature which insists on playing devil’s advocate (it’s not one of my more charming attributes, unfortunately).

    Yeah, Cruise is a bit of a turd, and opines adamantly and publicly on things about which he hasn’t the first fucking clue. He’s also short. But if you look at the big picture

    Ah, I got nothing. He sucks.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 12:27 am #

      For a second there I got really scared that you were Tom Cruise masking yourself as a cool blogger.

  2. calahan 11/03/2012 at 4:30 pm #

    For me, Tom Cruise’s one redeeming quality is that he was in The Outsiders.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 11:04 am #

      Good call. I think that is the only thing that has prevented the townspeople from storming his house with fire and pitchforks.

  3. Lyssapants 11/02/2012 at 12:57 pm #

    “One day [Tom’s] gonna get bitch slapped, and I ain’t gonna do a thing to stop it.”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Plus 100000 points for that 10 Things I Hate About you reference

      • Lyssapants 11/02/2012 at 2:39 pm #

        Yesssss!!!! The fact that you got that makes me like you times ten.

  4. artsifrtsy 11/01/2012 at 7:05 pm #

    I love this – I can’t bear to watch Cruise in anything anymore. I love those quotes – what a dork!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 8:55 pm #

      “Dork” is the nicest thing anyone has called him in recent years!

  5. writerwendyreid 11/01/2012 at 3:45 pm #

    I wish you’d stop beating around the bush Jen. Tell us how you REALLY feel. 🙂

  6. speaker7 11/01/2012 at 2:47 pm #

    I think if I knew about Einstein’s asshat theory, I would have paid more attention in science.

    I liked when Tom-Kat chastised Brooke Shields for taking meds to deal with postpartum when vitamins are clearly the way to go. I will agree with him once he delivers a baby through his peen-hole and feel hunky-dory after some Centrum.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:20 pm #

      I wish that when Einstein had urged Roosevelt to build an atomic bomb, he also would have urged him to test it on Tom Cruise.

  7. becca3416 11/01/2012 at 1:55 pm #

    I mean, I already know the other quotes are obviously real, but are those real quotes from Tom?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:16 pm #

      I know it’s hard to tell because they just sound so DUMB, but they are real quotes of his.

      • becca3416 11/01/2012 at 5:30 pm #

        Wow. I haven’t really cared for him one way or another since I was about eight, but damn. That’s pretty awful.


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