Cruise Control Freak

1 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 1

Topic: Scientology and their medication-hating psychologist-at-large, Tom Cruise


It’s no secret that I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a terrible actor, he marries robots, and his toothy grin looks like it would chew through your soul if given the opportunity. Worst of all, he’s in a cult a Scientologist. I’m no spiritual adviser, but the last time I checked, most religions didn’t require payment plans.

I honestly don’t care that he wants to be part of an organization that has as much validity as a Bernie Madoff investment plan. I think everyone has the right to choose, and if you choose to funnel money into a spaceship built to take you back to the Galactic Confederacy, who am I to judge?

It’s Mr. Cruise’s insistence on opening his mouth and spewing his arrogant, half-witted philosophies that causes me to reach John McEnroe levels of anger. This is a man who chose to star in Rock of Ages, and we’re supposed to listen to anything he says? I’ll take my chances and search for the meaning of life on my own, Tommy Boy.

This got me thinking, what if he had the opportunity to toss his ideas around with some of the greatest minds that ever lived? Would he actually hold his own? Worse, would they find validity in his assertions? I did a little research, and found “sound bites” from sit downs with people who actually knew something about something.

The Dalai Lama and Tom Cruise at The Olive Garden

Word on the street is Plato put Tom in a Full Nelson shortly after this

Despite being a pacifist, Gandhi had no choice but to bitch slap Tom

“As an expert in the phallic stage of development, I can spot a dick when I see one.”

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a person by his ability to pick a religion…you will realize that Tom is a dumbass.”

“I know ‘thou shalt not kill’ is a commandment, but it didn’t say anything about opening a well-deserved can of whoop ass.”

This man is an atrocity on two legs, and the only praiseworthy thing he has done in recent years is call Matt Lauer glib on national television. We’re all entitled to our own beliefs, but that privilege stops when you use your celebrity to deliver an offensive and nonsensical diatribe. At minimum, he’s a narcissist; most likely, there are other mental illnesses hidden beneath Scientological brainwashing.

Tom, if you’re reading this, please stop talking. Stop talking about psychiatry when you are not educated enough to make medically accurate statements. Stop talking about how Scientology has improved your life when you couldn’t make any one of your three marriages work. Stop talking about how you’re the only one who can save someone from an accident when you probably aren’t even current on your CPR certification. Just. Stop. Talking.

Matt Lauer may be glib, but you’re an asshole.


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NaNoWriNO Day 2 post

93 Responses to “Cruise Control Freak”

  1. Dani Heart 11/01/2012 at 1:46 pm #

    Laughing laughing laughing. Love it! I don’t care for Tom Cruise either. euwww.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:15 pm #

      We don’t agree on Crocs, but we agree on Cruise. We can still be friends!

  2. Bill Friday 11/01/2012 at 12:27 pm #

    Leave it to a girl from the land of trees to teach an urban dweller like me a new meaning to the words “drive by”. Oh Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, where to begin… maybe with your binders full of fellow mother ship watchers who have made it impossible for Hollywood to say Honey Boo Boo about your mind (and wallet) control cult, because one of the tenets of your faith is the institutional blackmail used on the rank and file as a means of getting the church (very lower case “c”) rich, and them a reserved seat on the ship next to L. Ron Hubbard. Or maybe it’s that you had to use a couch as a trampoline to stand as tall as Oprah. Either way, you’re a dickhead! And I mean that in the least sexual way possible… don’t want any of your Men In Black (You hear that Will Smith…? You’re next!) suit-wearing, um… associates, to come looking for me in the middle of the night just to tell me that my subscription to GXQ (Gentlemen’s Xenu Quarterly) has expired.

    And as for YOU Señorita Tonica, way to kick off NaNoWriNO with the big bang it deserved.

    Read you tomorrow!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:14 pm #

      I just got the most terrifying image in my mind of Tom Cruise and Mitt Romney joining forces, surely seeking to destroy fun and happiness for everyone.

      You just talked smack about their other golden boy, Will Smith. The cloaks are definitely coming to take us away tonight. I’m scared.

      • Bill Friday 11/01/2012 at 6:43 pm #

        They can’t come for either of us until I have read, and commented on, tomorrow’s NaNoWriNO.

        I can’t wait!

  3. Maggie O'C 11/01/2012 at 11:30 am #

    You are good.

  4. SocietyRed 11/01/2012 at 11:07 am #

    Perfect! Tom Cruise = shitstain.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:03 pm #

      I think we need to team up and help the word shitstain make a comeback. It really is one of the best insults out there.

      • SocietyRed 11/01/2012 at 4:58 pm #

        I like your style. Let’s do it! I expect shitstain to take the lead over asshat within a month (not that there’s anything wrong with asshat, shitstain just takes it to another level). Let’s just say TC is KING shitstain!

  5. lizziecracked 11/01/2012 at 10:57 am #

    See I knew it .. that I totally love you. So here is a weird coinkydink ex tell me when we were young that his friends say he looks like TC.. I say nah don;t see it …fast forward 5 years and a dovorce and I haven;t seen him in sic months nor have I watch anyTC movies cause he – there is something offsetting about him – and my ex too btw …same look beyond you not at you same posed … ok I wont bash him here… so I am flipping through the channels and a Tom Cruise movie comes on and OMG its my ex husband.. I threw up and I wont watch TC anymore because not only do the look similar.. the have the same conceited full of them selves mannerisms,..did i say that before.. ug…go on my fb friends and see if you can find him lol…my guess is that a certain someone did a little study of another certain someone and barfsville all the way around…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:04 pm #

      Thank your lucky stars you got out. I’m not 100% convinced Tom Cruise isn’t a cyborg, and they could be manufacturing look-a-likes all the time! Right now you could be in a gay bath house with John Travolta, talking about alien religious leaders.

  6. La La 11/01/2012 at 9:16 am #

    Haha I hate him and all that BS, too. I recently watched the most frightening interview with him. And remember when he was on the red carpet and someone shot him with that water gun microphone? I have never been as scared of an emotional roller coaster ride as I was during that one.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:02 pm #

      I had never seen that, and just watched it. The reporter was a jerk for doing that, and I was honestly scared of what was going to happen next. Tom handled it better than when Matt Lauer simply mentioned antidepressants. This man is unpredictable!

  7. Carrie Rubin 11/01/2012 at 9:05 am #

    “You stupid turd.” From Ghandi. Love it!

  8. Dan LaFollette 11/01/2012 at 8:41 am #

    Love the conversations with the world’s greatest minds Jen!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:59 pm #

      I feel bad that I subjected any of those people to this…

  9. sweetmother 11/01/2012 at 8:29 am #

    you have to read that paul haggis new yorker piece on scientology. it will blow your feckin’ mind. basically, they take people’s money and even beat some of them. i’m not kidding. great piece. let the nanowrimoblogo games begin! xo

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:49 pm #

      Is that the one which recently came out? Where some lesser known actress had to fly to Florida and scrub floors because she talked about Tom Cruise after they briefly dated? Scary shit.

      • sweetmother 11/01/2012 at 5:07 pm #

        i think so, but paul haggis left scientology after being a member for over 30 years. and he REALLY exposes them. it’s great stuff. and mind blowing… i think you can get it online. just google paul haggis new yorker scientology. xo

        • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 10:55 am #

          I just read the article you were talking about. WOW! I had not read that one yet. Seriously scary stuff.

  10. saradraws 11/01/2012 at 8:09 am #

    I don’t trust Cruise at all. Then again, he’s short, and I’m pretty sure you can’t trust short people (sorry to all my short friends. I love you, but you’re not on my zombie apocalypse team).
    Your captions have made this day infinitely more blastastic!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:47 pm #

      On behalf of all short people, I apologize for his bite size craziness. This is how sane Republicans must feel during election season.

  11. Cathy Ulrich 11/01/2012 at 7:37 am #

    This was just, simply, excellent. When I lived in Miami in the late eighties, there was a Scientology “store” in a popular shopping area called Miracle Mile. Their culties would cruise the mile and accost people, offering to take them back to the store for a free “personality test.” I always declined saying, ” I kind of like my personality, thank you very much.” Now with Tom Cruise as their spokesperson it’s clear they were looking for brainwashable, egocentric idiots. Thanks for the shoutout!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:45 pm #

      AH! I used to work down the street from one of those stores as well, and I swear I was so freaked out by it that I would cross the street just so I didn’t have to pass by the window. They were always grabbing people and trying to force them to take those tests.

      I’m glad you didn’t get sucked in.

  12. zarmeenk 11/01/2012 at 7:32 am #

    This totally made my day!

  13. Edward Hotspur 11/01/2012 at 7:19 am #

    Fun Fact: Tom Cruise has been married 3 times, and every time he gets married, the woman divorces him when she turns 33.

    • Love and Lunchmeat 11/01/2012 at 8:40 am #

      This can’t be true… When they turn thirty-three the spell is broken?

      • Edward Hotspur 11/01/2012 at 9:08 am #

        I guess so. Though it does indicate that Tom Cruise likes woman of a specific age. Look out, Dakota Fanning!

      • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:42 pm #

        Totally true. This article is be E! (I know) but explains the weird history behind his love life:

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:41 pm #

      I read that while doing research for this piece, and it really freaked me out. Additionally, the number 33 is meaningful in Scientology. The number is known as the ‘Master Teacher and represents altruism and increasing your positive energy. It’s associated with healing powers through love. Ironic considering he got divorced when they turned 33…

  14. aliceatwonderland 11/01/2012 at 7:01 am #

    I LOVE this as much as I HATE Tom. The more I hear about Scientology, the more freaked out I get. RUN, KATIE, RUN! He wanted to put his little girl on a brainwashing ship. Guy’s not only an asshat, he’s a crazy asshat. And I’ve been using that word a while. 😀

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:38 pm #

      I’m the same way. It’s like the mob, but for rich, religious people.

  15. Storkhunter 11/01/2012 at 6:45 am #

    I used to have a big crush on Tom Cruise after watching A Few Good Men and then I realised what an asshole he is.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/01/2012 at 6:59 am #

      He was much better when he just looked pretty. My theory is Nicole slipped him prescription meds and when they broke up all hell went loose and he started jumping on couches.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:35 pm #

      Don’t feel badly, women always fall for a man in uniform.

  16. Le Clown 11/01/2012 at 6:33 am #

    Can this be your best post ever?
    Will Tom Cruise sue you?
    Should you contact the Anonymous group for protection?
    “Tom Cruise is Brilliant”, says the Rock of Ages poster. This last line was just added as I am scared shitless of Tom Cruise. Sorry, Mr. Cruise. Everything I say about you is in jest.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:26 pm #

      It just might be.

      I’m more worried about being kidnapped and never heard from again.

      I probably should.


  17. Brother Jon 11/01/2012 at 6:32 am #

    Yeah, but Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was AWESOME.

    He does need to shut his mouth though, and if I remember right….isn’t he still trapped in the closet?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:23 pm #

      Never saw it. I honestly cannot bring myself to watch anything he stars in. His smile REALLY freaks me out!!

      And yeah, he has been locked away in that thing for years now.

  18. El Guapo 11/01/2012 at 6:29 am #

    Well, at least he hasn’t opened his mouth about restricting womens rights or control of themselves.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/01/2012 at 6:58 am #

      Well, they can’t take antidepressants, that’s wrong. And they can’t make a sound during childbirth.

      • El Guapo 11/01/2012 at 7:53 am #

        Wrong and ridiculous.

      • Love and Lunchmeat 11/01/2012 at 8:39 am #

        Oh, I had forgotten all about silent childbirth. I wish he had been in the room (or doorway) any of the times I gave birth so that I could kick him. Accidentally, of course.

        • aliceatwonderland 11/01/2012 at 9:25 am #

          Of course. Then tell him to “shhh be silent you’ll disturb the baby.”

        • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:22 pm #

          You really don’t want one of the first thing your child sees to be his face.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:21 pm #

      Alice is right about the antidepressants and silent birth. L. Ron Hubbard on silent birth: “[it is] a setup that the devil himself would not countenance.” Spoken like someone who has never had a human being crawling out of his body.

      • El Guapo 11/01/2012 at 3:42 pm #

        I didn’t know that about them. Didn’t think it was possible for them to be lowered in my esteem…

        • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:51 pm #

          They also believe you can gain superpowers once you pay a certain amount of money (which they call ‘leveling up’):

          • El Guapo 11/01/2012 at 4:21 pm #

            I’m not saying that isn’t inane. But that kind of belief isn’t really harmful to anyone either…

        • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 4:25 pm #

          It is when they deny healthcare because they’re immune to ailments, and one of their superpowers is controlling people! The others are just dumb, agreed.

  19. RFL 11/01/2012 at 6:22 am #

    I bet Plato would have gotten a lot of mileage out of, “Bitch, please.” Another frickin’ hilarious post and a great kickoff for your Nano project! Well done.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:16 pm #

      I’m pretty sure Plato was the first person to utter the words, “Talk to the hand cuz the face don’t understand.”

  20. Adrienne schmadrienne 11/01/2012 at 6:22 am #

    He’s fucking delusional enough to think he could take on those great minds. Why couldn’t he just shut up and be cute?! It’s hard to even enjoy the damn volleyball scene in Top Gun anymore.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:15 pm #

      I wish someone would bump, set, and spike a bottle of Ritalin in his face.

  21. Fern DeVilliers 11/01/2012 at 6:17 am #

    Fucking hilarious man. I mean woman. Just too good not to share. Thanks for this.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:14 pm #

      I think the credit goes to Tom. He writes the comedy for me.

  22. jiltaroo 11/01/2012 at 6:17 am #

    Yep, Tom Cruize has made me want to puke since the day he slid into my life in his socks and Y-fronts. You have summed him up pretty damn well. He always made me think of a stupid jock for some reason. Jen

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:12 pm #

      He is like one of those dumbasses who parades around in his high school football jacket, and thinks he’s the king of everything.

  23. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/01/2012 at 6:11 am #

    So true – I have always loathed Tom Cruise – I’ve avoided EVERY ONE of his movies like it’s a plague. Now he’s even more of a bloviating iditot… -the “asshat” remark – I had not see that before 2 weeks ago and now it’s all over the place… and now i’m done remarking.

  24. Stacie Chadwick 11/01/2012 at 6:10 am #


    You’ve been hitting it OUT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE lately. Love this. All I have to say is thank god (with a lower case g) Penelope Cruz got out before she was turned into the wax museum version of her former self.

    “Even in my dreams, I’m an idiot who knows he’s about to wake up to reality.”
    Tom Cruise, Vanilla Sky

    What? You didn’t pay $10.50 for a ticket and another $30.00 in incidentals to see that movie? Don’t worry, no one else did either.

    Thanks for the shout-out, and for covering with grace, style, and sheer kickassedness, a topic near-and-dear to my heart.

    NaNoWriMo starts in 1.5 hours for me….good luck!


    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:04 pm #

      Sometimes I forget that Penelope Cruz dated him because she doesn’t seem like the type of person who have such a serious lapse in judgment. Or the type of person who would let you jump on her couch.

      No, I never watched Vanilla Sky, but I did watch Eyes Wide Shut. Speaking of judgment lapses…

  25. Christopher De Voss 11/01/2012 at 6:07 am #

    I don’t know. Spaceships are cool. I would take Tom Cruise more seriously if he could produce a laser gun.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/01/2012 at 6:55 am #

      And shoot himself with it.

    • La La 11/01/2012 at 9:18 am #

      If Tom Cruise could produce a laser gun, he certainly wouldn’t get the water gun in his face again on the red carpet. He should consider this.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/01/2012 at 3:00 pm #

      I think once you’ve admitted to believing that a DC-8 is going to fly you to outer space to meet your leader, there’s not much a laser gun can do for your credibility.

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