How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?


Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing:

  1. Pronouncing words like “Mexico” as “Meh-hee-co” when the closest you’ve come to celebrating Hispanic culture in the last year is eating at Taco Bell.
  2. Checking into your gym on Facebook, and later updating your status to let everyone know how many miles you went on a bicycle going absolutely nowhere.
  3. Using self-checkouts at grocery stores when it’s apparent the scanning and bagging and swiping of the card is too much for you to handle.
  4. Sniffling instead of blowing your nose. All it does is make the rest of us think your head is filled with boogers.
  5. Posting pictures where you’ve obviously done yourself up, and then caption it with, “Ugh, I look like a mess but thought I’d post anyway.” I will respond with, “You’re more of a wreck than the Titanic” every single time.
  6. Pretending that you’ve aged gracefully when your expressionless face and beach ball boobs indicate otherwise.
  7. TyPiNg LiKe YoUr ShIfT kEy HaS a MiNd Of ItS oWn.
  8. Keeping your windshield wipers going double time when it’s barely sprinkling. Not only does it ruin the blades, but the sound they make when they drag across the glass is proof the devil is among us.
  9. Man bashing. If a bunch of men sat around talking about how stupid and lazy women are for kicks, special interest groups would go insane in the membrane. Instead of spending your time joking about the male population’s shortcomings over Cosmopolitans, spend your time pondering why you surround yourself with such crappy dudes.
  10. Giving a handshake with a soft hand, and limp wrist. It’s a polite way of saying, “I’d rather have acid on my face than make contact with you.”
  11. Putting those “daddy bought it but I got it” license plate frames on your cars. Being born to rich parents is not an accomplishment, and your dad being your sugar daddy is actually really creepy.
  12. Fighting with your partner in front of other people. I can appreciate that he no longer compliments you, and that she doesn’t support your dream of being king of fantasy football, but save that for when you get home. If you aren’t mature enough to wait to talk when you’re finally alone, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
  13. Being one of those “cool parents” who let their kids drink or smoke. Even worse, let their child’s boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over at your house. All of these things are a privilege, and are reserved for adults who are self-sufficient enough to do this stuff in the comfort of their own homes.
  14. Letting your dog jump all over other people. Some people (like me) don’t mind, but there are others who don’t like Fido acting as though he just ingested bath salts. This is especially true for people with allergies who will be scratching themselves in very uncomfortable places for days.
  15. Treating your young children like they’re parrots. If I see one more photo of a toddler pretending to drink a beer, or hear parents glorifying how Tiny Tim knows the lyrics to a Lil Wayne song, I’m going to sterilize someone.
  16. Saying that you have to “go number 2”. Not only does this make you seem Amish, but there are so many other creative ways of saying you have to poop: dropping a deuce, taking a dump truck, making room for dessert or releasing the kraken.
  17. Bombarding your friends’ inboxes with “cause” e-mails. I get that you’re passionate about whales who get called fat by dolphins, but not all of us are. Instead of forwarding spam,  go out there and actually do something about it.
  18. Being smug about your useless degree. You may be impressed by your MFA in Up Your Assness from NYU, but the rest of think you’re miserable to be around.
  19. Arguing in comment sections on WordPress, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube or any other place online where you can post your thoughts. Hiding behind your computer screen and flying into an ALL CAPS RAGE doesn’t prove anything except what a buttnut you are.
  20. Being Tom Cruise.

What things would be on your “do not do” list?

Thanks to Alice from aliceatwonderland for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 2 post

NaNoWriNO Day 4 post

106 Responses to “How-to: Suckage Revisited”

  1. calahan 11/03/2012 at 4:40 pm #

    * If a girl gives you her number, don’t immediately call it to make sure she wasn’t lying.

    * Your favorite team’s achievements are not your personal achievements

    * A goatee over a double chin is just that

    * There is no silver lining in a restraining order

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 11:04 am #

      I totally agree with the first three, but the last one? What if it’s the person’s only accomplishment in life?

  2. saradraws 11/03/2012 at 3:27 pm #

    I love this. I have much to say, but not here, not now. Lemme see what kind of trouble I can get into….I’ll keep ya posted.

  3. The Bumble Files 11/03/2012 at 3:24 pm #

    Wow, Jen. I think you covered it. I especially like the “cause” spam. That does drive me crazy. Oh here’s a driving one…people who are absolutely oblivious and don’t let you in when you need to get over. That’s just mean, I say!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 11:02 am #

      So true. I love it when you look in their car, and they’re just staring off into space, dreaming about a burrito or something.

    • mylifeisthebestlife 11/04/2012 at 12:20 pm #

      Or people who totally hug the curb at a red light when you’re trying to turn right behind them. Just move up an inch so I can get through, fuckers!

  4. Bill Friday 11/03/2012 at 2:41 pm #

    A simple use of today’s list itself should be more than enough thread fodder (and who doesn’t love them some fodder for lunch) for now…

    #1. You’d be amazed just how many Spanish words a pasty Güero from the mean streets of Redondo Beach uses in everyday conversation after working at LAX for the last 10 years.

    #2. I only did that ONCE. And I was on a treadmill.

    #3. Never.

    #4. I once heard a kid say that it, “…sounded like he had a trout up his nose.”

    #5. Makeup is for sissies.

    #6. The day my boobs sag is the day I run for Governor of Cah-lee-fohr-nee-ah.

    #7. Uh-huh… just like NaNoWriMo has a mind (or any mind at all) of its own.

    #8. Or leaving your turn signal on for 32 blocks in rush hour traffic.

    #9. I fucking HATE men!!!

    #10. Limp wrists are for makeup.

    #11. The only car my daddy ever bought me was a ’74 Chevy Vega. License frame?!! It didn’t need a license frame, it needed a Jack LaLanne juicer for all the lemons it was worth.

    #12. Hell no! Public places are where you go to beat your kids.

    #13. Kids should drink, smoke and have sex where their parents will never know… like at their friend’s houses.

    #14. There’s a reason I have a Pit Bull. People should keep their allergies to themselves… at home.

    #15. Let Honey Boo Boo buy her own beer for a change!

    #16. I have it on good authority that the Amish only “Release the Kraken” during Rumspringa.

    #17. My friends only send me “meme-mail”… usually involving The Golden Girls.

    #18. Three-time college dropout. No worries there.


    #20. Sounds like it would make a great post for NaNoWriNO!

    (bonus selection)

    #21. Friends who take over a comment thread with a post of their own.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 11:01 am #

      Comment hijacker!!!!

      That is all.

      • Bill Friday 11/04/2012 at 1:51 pm #

        So you really DID ditch the Amish way for the Tonic life!!! I KNEW it!!! Just remember… “What happens in Rumspringa STAYS in Rumspringa”.

  5. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/03/2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Your response on number 5 made me snort. And number 12 made me feel so happy! My ex got really angry with me once when I didn’t seek him out to talk when we were at his friend’s house. I thought it would be so rude to take away from hanging out with his friends to talk about us. Now I feel validated 🙂
    Number 16: I personally like, “I’m having a food baby” ^.^

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 10:58 am #

      Laughing so hard at “I’m having a food baby”….had never heard that!!

  6. Katy Kern 11/03/2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Political statuses on Facebook! Absolutely can’t stand them and am so over all election crap. Your list rocks and reading it is the the best way to counteract any pet peeve annoyance. Thank you. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 10:57 am #

      I read this yesterday while working on my piece for today. I laughed! “Katy is gonna hate that I dedicated 800 words to this! WAY worse than a status update!”

      But I’m in total agreement. Some people were overkill for awhile.

  7. TJLubrano 11/03/2012 at 12:44 pm #

    “releasing the Kraken” hahahaha. I read it in Jack’s Sparrow’s voice.

    I love your lists and this, my lady, is excellent! Not sure if I mentioned it in my comment back on that other writing site. But one of my pet peeves is when a girl, either stares at you like you *just* stole something from her closet or trying to do the “stare-not stare” look, while I obviously noticed that she was giving me the evil eye when I stared in her face. I just don’t get it. Ohh and mothers with strollers who stop out of the blue on the streets to adjust a strap or something. “Excuse me!! There are people walking around you know!”. This also goes for people who just stop in the middle of an aisle to chat to someone…rudeness.

    I better stop now.

  8. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins 11/03/2012 at 11:40 am #

    Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    The Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic shares some of her wisdom, its nice seeing her so passionate and fired up, It gave me some chub but not enough that would bar me from my day to day functioning

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 12:01 pm #

      Thanks for the reblog MM! Also, I’m glad I could give you some midday wood. I’m just that kind of friend.

      • mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins 11/03/2012 at 12:12 pm #

        yeah midday wood is a reaffirmation of life what is the equvalent for ladies is it “midday wetness” ? – sounds like a mildew problem almost

        • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 12:13 pm #

          I never want to think about mildew and body parts at the same time.

          • mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins 11/03/2012 at 12:15 pm #

            sorry for taking you there, I don’t know how to bring you back without be obtrusive midday boner and all, maybe if you have a pony tail gentle tug ? Just kidding Watch and episode of Hoarders

          • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 12:21 pm #


  9. MissFourEyes 11/03/2012 at 11:36 am #

    I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just agree with them when they post the ‘ugh I look like such a mess’ pictures.
    Yes, sweetheart, you do. I’m so sorry, you look horrifyingly ugly.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 12:00 pm #

      Right?! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks more people who should be having fun with that golden opportunity.

  10. A Dog With Fleas 11/03/2012 at 9:59 am #

    This list is laugh-out-loud hilarious and so true. And I would have to add women wearing sweatpants with a saying on the ass of them.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:56 am #

      I totally agree. I mentioned that in my original post. It’s especially offensive when the woman is more mature in years.

  11. rumpydog 11/03/2012 at 8:58 am #

    Personally, I like stupid people, because they keep the economy going. Think of how many people wouldn’t have jobs if not for stupid people.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:50 am #

      I would definitely be unemployed if it wasn’t for people dumber than I am. Excellent point.

  12. aliceatwonderland 11/03/2012 at 8:50 am #

    That’s it. I’m using “Releasing the Kraken” as my status update every time. Great list! That explains some of why people are so stupid. Also, I’d say Ann Coulter was the devil, but she’s not smart enough. Maybe I should ask people for some topics. This is fun!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:49 am #

      Yeah, you definitely should! It’s a bit more of a challenge at times because you have to go with a topic you may not have been thinking of, but you also don’t have to create topics from thin air.

  13. rollergiraffe 11/03/2012 at 8:50 am #

    I would also add “Don’t be Ann Coulter”. But otherwise that list is perfect. I especially appreciate the man bashing and the parrot children. I am so tired of people writing off their crappy husband behaviour as representative of all dudes because it’s just not true. And nothing bothers me more than when people try and make my children perform.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:48 am #

      Yeah, there should have been a bonus one just for her. She has earned it. I seriously don’t understand wanting to make OTHER people’s children perform. Occasionally it’s fun to see a kid show something new they learned, but wanting them to be a circus monkey is weird. Leave them alone and let them play with blocks.

  14. Dani Heart 11/03/2012 at 8:33 am #

    Fun list Jen. I hate cryptic messages on facebook. I mean if you are going to say something say it already. LOL

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:45 am #

      As my dad would say, “Shit or get off the pot.” Either say it, or don’t.

      • Dani Heart 11/05/2012 at 8:47 am #

        Okay so I just thought of an addition… “if you are going to go slow on the freeway…don’t get your panties in a wad when other verhicles go around you and don’t speed up trying to act like you weren’t going slow in the first place. Accept that you were a loser on the freeway and deal with it! LOL

  15. SocietyRed 11/03/2012 at 8:23 am #

    Perfect morning hilarious post!
    Eating with your mouth open and smacking. Repugnant (love that word).

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:44 am #

      First shitstain, and now repugnant. You’re just full of good words!

      • SocietyRed 11/03/2012 at 4:51 pm #

        Keep it rolling! We got a movement going!

  16. on thehomefrontandbeyond 11/03/2012 at 7:33 am #

    agree with most of your list–but wonder at people announcing that they have to use the bathroom–a polite excuse me and exit is the “way to go”
    I would say the list was funny–except there are really people who display this behaviour and that is not all that hilarious–but I must say I did enjoy this post

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:42 am #

      I agree that people shouldn’t announce it. Just go use the bathroom and let me finish watching Let’s Make a Deal in peace. It’s just a guideline for those who feel compelled to. If you’re gonna say it, say it with FLAIR!

  17. timmer 11/03/2012 at 7:30 am #

    Haha, even the tags are brilliant.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:41 am #

      Good man! I love it when people look at the tags.

  18. Fern DeVilliers 11/03/2012 at 7:26 am #

    And painting flames on your car. I can’t stand it when people do that.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:41 am #

      Especially when they’re on a car that goes from 0-60 in 12 minutes.

  19. Stacie Chadwick 11/03/2012 at 6:56 am #

    I loved this so much I have to regroup before really commenting. I’m just gonna go beer bong some NyQuil, put a full clown-face of make-up on before I hit the gym (I’m going out tonight and don’t feel like showering, plus there’s this 18 year-old trainer who’s really hot…BOGO!), and post pictures on FB of my son’s basketball team holding up their “every kid gets a trophy” for taking eighth place in the consolation bracket of a basketball tournament yesterday with the tag line “We’re all winners in this world. So proud of my son for not crying!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:40 am #

      Beer bonging NyQuil? Why didn’t I ever think of that?!

      My friend posted a picture on facebook of her daughter getting an award for “showing up to school regularly” because the teacher thought it was important for everyone to get something.

      • Stacie Chadwick 11/05/2012 at 5:02 am #

        A kid at my son’s school got a fake trophy (his mom actually went to the trophy store and had it made) for not placing anywhere near the top of a Box Derby race. Yikes.

  20. jiltaroo 11/03/2012 at 6:52 am #

    Made me laugh because it is all very true. Very well done.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:38 am #

      Glad I’m not the only one who notices these things.

  21. Cathy Ulrich 11/03/2012 at 6:51 am #

    Great list, Jen. I agree with all of them, especially “go number 2.” I don’t even need to know what they’re doing in the bathroom. TMI. Period.
    But here’s another – don’t walk in a group side-by-side really slowly down the street, in the mall or on the bike path and taking up more than half you allotted space. Really, do you not see people trying to pass or people coming the other way?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:37 am #

      You don’t think saying, “I’m going to take a dump truck” in the middle of a work meeting is professional? Maybe that’s why everyone stares at me funny in the office…

      AH! I totally agree about space hogs. It’s like a bad game of Red Rover.

  22. iRuniBreathe 11/03/2012 at 6:48 am #

    I am pretty against the ‘hip’ slogans they put on kids clothing these days. The “my mommy is better than your mommy” is cute, I guess, but kids will think bragging about yourself is a way of life. Never mind that it was likely mommy who bought the shirt.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/03/2012 at 8:46 am #

      “My mommy read 50 Shades of Grey” Nooooo.

      • iRuniBreathe 11/03/2012 at 8:51 am #

        ha ha ha.


      • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:34 am #

        Oh god, I’ve seen those too! “9 months ago my mom read 50 Shades of Grey”

        • aliceatwonderland 11/03/2012 at 1:13 pm #

          Poor kids. I can see them finding the “inspirational” book later on and screaming.

        • mylifeisthebestlife 11/04/2012 at 12:17 pm #

          Oh no! Seriously??? I would sooner DIE than allow that. Ever.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 12:21 pm #

            Right? It just seems a bit much for a baby to be wearing. We get it, we know how babies are created. We don’t need you saying you did it with bondage involved.

        • Storkhunter 11/04/2012 at 1:24 pm #

          I call them “Therapy patients in training” t shirts.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:35 am #

      Like you, I find some of them funny, but when they say things like, “My parents didn’t use protection” then I think it goes a bit far.

  23. Sheena 11/03/2012 at 6:31 am #

    Nailed it! Love this.

  24. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/03/2012 at 6:25 am #

    I think you pretty much covered it….
    Oh wait – don’t treat waitstaff like their your own personal staff to impress a date….and for god’s sake, don’t ‘complain’ about how much money you spend on your cell phone bill (in an overly loud voice) in an effort to ‘one up’ some other asshole that is doing the same.

  25. speaker7 11/03/2012 at 6:22 am #

    These need to be hammered into some tablets and given to Moses as the new 20 Commandments. I would like to add: People who leave engimatic status updates on Facebook like “FML!!!” forcing people to ask “What’s wrong :(???” and then never answering.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/03/2012 at 8:46 am #

      Facebook brings out the best in us. I got to a point on my “real life” page (yeah I have a real me and a pretend me, why I don’t know) that I started hiding everyone’s comments and then it was like – I don’t even want to hear my so-called friends. Why am I on facebook?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2012 at 11:30 am #

      Or how about people who leave cryptic status updates, and then when people ask, they update their status later to, “I wish people would stay out of my business!”

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/03/2012 at 2:05 pm #

        Ooh, or when they answer, “this isn’t something I want to share with people.” Then why’d you put it on facebook???

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