All The World’s A Stage

9 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 9

Topic: Actor/Actress who makes me smile, and how I would behave if I met him/her

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“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players, They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts”

I’ve always loved this snippet from William Shakespeare’s As You Like It (Act II, Scene VII) because I find it to be such a succinct way of describing life. I love seeing myself, or a particular period of my life, in books or plays or movies or songs. It’s like making a human connection with someone even though there is nobody there to have that connection with.

Truth be told, I’ve never really been impacted emotionally by an actor or actress. They make a living off of convincing audiences they are anyone but who they really are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some of them are very nice people, but I’ve never had the desire to thank them for playing make believe.

I may not get something from the person behind the character, but I have definitely taken something away from the character itself. I’m not sure why the following quotes are among my favorites of all time. Perhaps they are so powerful that they touched everyone who watched the movie, or it could be that they were exactly what I needed to hear at the time. I just know that these moments, with these characters, left an imprint in my mind.

“I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can’t remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world’s still there. Do I believe the world’s still there? Is it still out there?… Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different.” – Leonard Shelby in Memento

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” – Christopher McCandless in Into the Wild

“I never realize how much I like being home unless I’ve been somewhere really different for a while.” Juno MacGuff in Juno

“I’ll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.” – Claudia Wilson Gator in Magnolia

“Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you, ‘You shouldn’t regret anything.’ Don’t do that, don’t! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want.” – Earl Patridge in Magnolia

“Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.” – Dan Burns in Dan in Real Life

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.” Red in The Shawshank Redemption

“…we live or die by the clock. We never turn our back on it. And we never, ever allow ourselves the sin of losing track of time. – Chuck Noland in Cast Away

“…there’s a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature.” – General Corman in Apocalypse Now

If I could thank these characters, I certainly would. My reaction to meeting them would probably be something like, “Um…this is kind of weird. How are you real?” I’ll guess I’ll have to settle for seeing them while I sit on my couch in my sweats.

Now that I’ve showed you mine, you need to show me yours. Which movie characters (or movie itself) stand out in your minds?

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Thank you to Katy from Tired of Previews for suggesting this topic. She’s a movie reviewer, and just got a snazzy new site. Please check it out!

NaNoWriNO Day 8

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Fumblerooski

8 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 8

Topic: Lingerie football

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Fumblerooski is the name of a trick play in American football. It occurs when the quarterback places the ball on the ground after the snap, technically fumbling it. He and the running backs run in one direction, and the right guard picks it up and runs in the opposite direction. It’s a play that was made famous in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and is now banned in the National Football League.

I feel like a trick has been played on me! When this topic was suggested, I had no idea what I was getting into. I initially thought I might be writing about lingerie with football-related imagery printed on it. Then I thought it may be term for women who played football in their underwear.

I did a simple Google image search, and was not expecting this: Continue reading

Gender Bending

7 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 7

Topic: All women are a bit lesbian

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I must admit, I was a bit surprised by how many of you requested that I write about this topic. I threw it out as a joke, and didn’t think anyone would actually want to read about it. Little did I know that my audience was largely made up of lesbians, and people who appreciate them.

Great. A claim I hadn’t given real consideration to is now a claim I have to prove.

I initially wrote a couple of paragraphs about bisexuality in Bonobo monkeys. Then I wrote a paragraph about the feminist movement, and how it has impacted female sexuality. Then I wrote about that scene in “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards kissed in the pool. The post sounded like the weird ramblings of an undersexed teenage boy.

In these types of situations, you need to ask yourself what Jack McCoy would do. He would build a case around the evidence, and let it speak for itself. I present to you:

Exhibit A

We are always checking each other out. “Your boobs look great in that shirt!” “I would kill to have a body like hers.” “She has such a great butt, it’s so unfair.” You will never hear a guy say, “Man, I wish I had testicles like that guy.”

Continue reading

Mating Call: Men

6 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 6

Topic: Dating – part deux

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Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.

I’m sure none all of you are wondering how to land a hot mess lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.

Drunkin’ Donuts

Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.

Continue reading

Open Letter: Female GOP Supporters

4 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 4

Topic: Open letter to the GOP

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Female GOP Supporters:

As you know, elections are right around the corner, and propaganda information from both parties has been spreading like wildfire for the past several months. As we close in on November 6th, I can’t help but think about those of you ladies who will be going to the polls and placing a mark next to Romney’s name. As someone who considers herself moderately conservative, I can appreciate wanting to elect someone who can actually make change happen rather than use it as a buzzword to slap on a bumper sticker.

However, I’m just not sure how any woman could choose to vote Republican in this election. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of President Obama serving another four years doesn’t exactly get me super excited, but I find the alternative to be much worse. “But Jen, as a moderate conservative, don’t you want someone who sits on the same side of the fence you’re on?” No, and let me tell you why. Continue reading

How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing: Continue reading

Poetic License

2 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 2

Topic: Poetry

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Do you have that one friend who loves to torture challenge you because they love laughing at you think they’re helping you become a better person? Bill Friday is that friend for me. I’ve known him for about a hundred years now, and I’m not really sure how our friendship has lasted this long. Let’s review:

  • He likes breaded meat. I prefer not to eat things that feel the need to go into the Witness Protection Program.
  • He watches horror films, and I get scared looking at my face without makeup on
  • He has children, and my uterus cries at the idea of me ever getting pregnant
  • He’s a fantastic poet, and I think a sonnet is something Quaker women wear on their heads

This is probably Bill’s handiwork

Knowing all of the above, it should come as no surprise that my good (and I use that word loosely) friend suggested poetry as one of the topics for NaNoWriNO. I love flexing my writing muscles, but I wasn’t prepared to pick this on the second day of the challenge.

There are three things I’m good at: arm wrestling the elderly, staining a brand new shirt, and never backing down from a dare. I’m especially good at that last one. Why else would I have a tattoo of Wilford Brimley saying “YOLO” emblazoned across my chest?

Instead of crying over pages of Pablo Neruda and Lord Byron, I decided to get creative. Poetry isn’t just mushy words over love lost; poetry is carefully placed wording with the intent to evoke a certain emotion. I used the skills I acquired during my time with Hallmark, and conjured up a line of Jen and Tonic greeting cards. Continue reading

Cruise Control Freak

1 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 1

Topic: Scientology and their medication-hating psychologist-at-large, Tom Cruise

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It’s no secret that I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a terrible actor, he marries robots, and his toothy grin looks like it would chew through your soul if given the opportunity. Worst of all, he’s in a cult a Scientologist. I’m no spiritual adviser, but the last time I checked, most religions didn’t require payment plans.

I honestly don’t care that he wants to be part of an organization that has as much validity as a Bernie Madoff investment plan. I think everyone has the right to choose, and if you choose to funnel money into a spaceship built to take you back to the Galactic Confederacy, who am I to judge?

It’s Mr. Cruise’s insistence on opening his mouth and spewing his arrogant, half-witted philosophies that causes me to reach John McEnroe levels of anger. This is a man who chose to star in Rock of Ages, and we’re supposed to listen to anything he says? I’ll take my chances and search for the meaning of life on my own, Tommy Boy.

This got me thinking, what if he had the opportunity to toss his ideas around with some of the greatest minds that ever lived? Would he actually hold his own? Worse, would they find validity in his assertions? I did a little research, and found “sound bites” from sit downs with people who actually knew something about something.

The Dalai Lama and Tom Cruise at The Olive Garden

Word on the street is Plato put Tom in a Full Nelson shortly after this

Continue reading

Freshly Pressed: An Interview With Mr. Mary

30 Oct

Mr. Mary over at A Spoonful of Suga invited me to do a post-Freshly Pressed interview with him. I think this means we’re sorta kinda dating now, so go check it out!

mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins's avatarASpoonfulofSuga

Of the thousands of bloggers who continue to feed the capitalistic machinations of WordPress, only a few are chosen for the distinct honor of being Freshly Pressed. While my writing has never won me the honor of being Freshly Pressed, my imaginative sexual advances have won me a few moments with the unusually tantalizing Jen, the author of the recently Freshly Pressed Blog Sips of Jen and Tonic. This interview is part of an  ongoing study I am conducting . I am trying to see to what extent does being FreshlyPressed changes someone. This first interview takes place a few days after Jen has been Freshly Pressed. Enjoy

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Question 1: How does it feel to Be freshly Pressed ? When I think of Freshly Pressed I am brought back to the Massengil and Summer’s Eve commercials of my Youth. Do you feel bathed by the waves of cleanliness and titillated…

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