NaNoWriNO Day 10
Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?
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It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.
Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.
When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”
I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.
Round 1: Blanche Devaraux
Blanche: Sexually promiscuous. Just might be the world’s first cougar.
Me: It’s easier to land a Boeing 747 in a schoolyard than get me into bed.
+0 Points
Blanche: Dirty mouth, even dirtier mind.
Me: You know how cleaning supply companies are always saying they can only get rid of 99.99% of germs? My dirty thoughts are those .01%.
+1 Point
Blanche: Believes she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
Me: I’m surprised when people look at me without throwing up.
+0 Points
Blanche: Classy, and likes the finer things in life.
Me: I once ate a piece of pizza out of the trash.
+0 Points
Total Points: 1
Round 2: Rose Nylund
Rose: Dumb as a box of rocks.
Me: I’ve actually got a pretty high IQ. I know, I almost don’t believe it either.
+0 Points
Rose: Gets embarrassed when buying condoms
Me: I’d rather be celibate than walk up to the counter with a pack of Magnums.
+1 Point
Rose: Tells stories with no real beginnings or endings that nobody enjoys hearing.
Me: Ditto.
+1 Point
Rose: Was a grief counselor.
Me: I cause people grief.
+0 Points
Total Points: 2
Round 3: Dorothy Zbornak
Dorothy: A slight mustache throughout most of the seasons
Me: A slight 5 o’clock shadow throughout most of my life
+1 Point
Dorothy: Couldn’t catch a man if it was being thrown at her.
Me: I once threw up while attempting to ask a man out.
+1 Point
Dorothy: Bad dresser. Looks like someone who only has access to curtains and ankle boots.
Me: Bad dresser. I look like someone who only has access to ill-fitting hoodies and Converse.
+1 Point
Dorothy: Lives with her mom
Me: I live with 10 cats and the memories of my youth.
+0 Points
Total Points: 3
Round 4: Sophia Petrillo
Sophia: Is a proud Italian
Me: I’m hairy like an Italian
+1 Point
Sophia: Loves to wear a sassy hat as all old people do.
Me: I love to wear beanies as all people with fiveheads do.
+1 Point
Sophia: Is a mother.
Me: I’d rather pass a kidney stone every day for the rest of my life than have a child.
+0 Points
Sophia: Claims to have had romantic relationships with high profile people.
Me: My only claim to fame is going out with one of those people who dresses up as a sandwich outside of a Subway restaurant
+0 point
Total Points: 2
*Winner*
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Thanks to the following bloggers for suggesting I write about this topic:
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Now I must do some serious introspection. You are the Zen master of pop culture wisdom. And how did I miss the call for submissions on topics? I suck so hard at keeping up.
I think you saw it, but said you were going to think about it and get back to me. I was getting a bit nervous at the depth of the topic you were coming up with after all this time. You know I’m not deep!
HA! I forgot all about that threat. Sort of sums up my social interactions.
I remember watching episodes of these years ago, but don’t remember enough to make comparisons, but based on your descriptions: I have a filthy mind like Blanche, nothing of Rose, I have a man but trust me left to my own devices these days and I would also probably have 10 cats, so that’s my tribute to Dorothy. As for Sophia, I’m a mother who hates hats.
And I love your filthy mind. Don’t ever change that.
I love my filthy mind too. It makes for a great companion
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single full episode, but I’m probably more of a Rose, especially with the story-telling, and I get embarrassed just thinking about buying condoms. Also, I once threw up while on a date. He was a total gentleman about it at the time, but that was the last I ever heard from him. Oops.
Did you throw up on him because you mixed salmon and shots of Patron? Because that was my excuse.
I love that you ate pizza out of the trash once. I mean, I would never do that, but I think it’s awesome that you did. You must’ve been really hungry. Or drunk.
I may or may not have been high at the time. If the police ask, you never heard anything.
I am so Blanche. 🙂 Funny post Jen.
Why am I not surprised? Get it girl!
A few brief (I swear) observations… as seen through the lens of Social Media.
*Blanche would have been all over Facebook, passing herself off as a writer of Mature Woman on Sweaty Cowboy fiction. Aw hell! Mature Woman on ANYboy fiction.
*Rose would have been the moderator of the St. Olaf Facebook Fan Page while simultaneously uploading old yearbook pictures on Instagram.
*Sophia wouldn’t have given a crap about Facebook, and would have told you so as she filled her purse with every item from the buffet line, just in case another Great Depression hit during her cab ride home… while Tweeting about it!
*Dorothy would have opened a WordPress account, taken up the Screen Name, “Jen and Tonic”, and told you everything about her ex-husband Stan. Oh, and truth Bea told… Dorothy was the only Girl who was ever a real woman.
(Pussycat Dolls reference alert) Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like Bea?
I’m a Blanche. I always thought those charms that you hang on your wine glass were silly. Who needs to mark their glass if you just keep it in your hand? Well, then I got a package of Golden Girls wine glass charms. Changed my life. Sure did.
Do these charms really exist? Don’t tease me woman!
It seems the Etsy gal is on vacation http://www.etsy.com/listing/62475939/golden-girls-wine-charms-free-shipping Perhaps we will be fast friends by the time she returns and I will send you a set. Ha.
Oh dear god…my life just got infinitely better.
I do what I can.
I’m waiting for you to write about my favorite, MATTLOCK!
I LOVED THAT SHOW! I think I was the only 8 year old watching Matlock….and Perry Mason.
You were born waiting to move into a retirement community, eh?
Pretty much. I’ve got the dentures to prove it.
Do you use terms like “the rock and roll”? Because if you do – you’re ready for the active retired life.
I want to be like Sophia when I’m that age. I want to be like her NOW. I love how she doesn’t give a shit and just says whatever the hell she wants. I respect that.
I hear you can buy wicker purses on Amazon.
Score!
I loved the golden girls too. Such a fun show. Fun post Jen. 🙂
Thanks Dani!
As someone who has been told that she reminds people of Dorothy Zbornak, I can only say, “REPRESENT, SISTER!!”
*pounds fist to chest* Golden Homegirls, represent!
Great post, Jen. While I’m not Rose, I loved the character – mainly because I love Betty White. She is like the energizer bunny – she keeps going and going and going. Also LOVED the Snickers commercial she did. Hilarious!
Betty White is flawless, she can do no wrong. I love that she built a career in comedy during a time when women just didn’t do that.
My girls actually own the box sets of The Golden Girls,,,I love to hear the laughs of my 18 and 14yr old girls watching a good comedy!
I’m definately Blanche!!! Yah,,i’m a classy whore like that! (shhh don’t tell bf)!
Every group needs a Blanche! She’s the one who spices things up.
I have so many good memories of the Golden Girls. I used to watch it with my grandmother. It was really similar to the movie Grease in that I was allowed to watch it all through my childhood despite the fact that it’s kind of dirty and dark. Since you are Dorothy, I am Rose. I am way more into playing “what Golden Girl are you?” than “what Sex in the City girl are you?”
The other day I say a Golden Girls meme that showed a picture of Blanche and it said, “The Original Samantha Jones” on it. So true!
And yeah, looking back, it was very sexual and progressive for its time. I also can’t believe that my grandma let me watch it either.
I am impressed by this scienceness of this post. And extremely impressed that you dated a sandwich. Never had that happen. I did ask a guy out once, he said “sure” and I’m currently waiting for this date. It’s been 15 years. I’m hopeful it will take place in 2025.
Agreed. super sciency.
I’m the Bill Nye of blogging.
Don’t say anything, but a little bird told me it’ll be in 2024 *Crosses fingers*