Mating Call: Men

6 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 6

Topic: Dating – part deux

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Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.

I’m sure none all of you are wondering how to land a hot mess lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.

Drunkin’ Donuts

Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.

Put a ring on it

Before your balls go crawling up back inside of you, I’m not talking about marriage here. I’m saying that if you tell a girl you’re going to call her at the end of a date, you need to friggin’ do it. It’s far better to be the guy who issues a brush off than the guy who runs into the girl you never called in a grocery story. It’s like a dick punch waiting to happen. Jen approved method of letting someone down easy: “I really like you, but I’d like it better if we were never around each other again.”

Gentleman caller

I think some men were confused (or scared) by the feminist movement, and lost the ability to determine when they were being gentleman, and when they were being oppressive he-devils. You need to call me the bus driver because I’m about to take you to school. Jack died for Rose in “Titanic” by giving her the last piece of driftwood. The least you can do is hold the door open for your date, and walk her to her door. Jen approved method of squiring a lady: “It’s so cold that I just saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Please, take my jacket.”

Class, sass and a whole lot of gas

There are two things that will kill a lady boner in the middle of a date: your wife showing up, or noises coming from your pants that make us think you need to do a quick underwear check. I once ate bad chicken during dinner with a potential suitor, and held in a cheek flapper for so long I thought it was actually going to kill me. You can excuse yourself, or hold it in, or say a prayer and hope it goes away, but you cannot let it rip in front of her. Jen approved gas method: Pucker that sucker and hope for the best.

“Is your name George Michael because I can smell your Careless Butt Whisper”

Talk to the pinky because your breath is stinky

I beg you, if you choose to only take one thing away from this post, please take this little nugget of wisdom. Women will not want to kiss you if it smells like you had a bag of turds for lunch, and followed it with a fart cake for dessert. I don’t care how rich or good looking you are, if your breath makes her involuntarily throw up in her mouth, you aren’t getting that kiss. Jen approved breath method: USE A DAMN TOOTHBRUSH.

I think a large portion of my male readership is married, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also benefit from these tips. Have you noticed your wife backing away from you when you try to kiss her? Did she have to hold back your hair while you puked up three beers and a martini? Is she lugging around a can of air freshener when you two are together? Wives need a little romance too.

Most of us women are surprisingly low-maintenance, and just want to feel like a guy is treating us differently than he would his frat buddy. It’s the little things you do that are really meaningful. Buy us wine in a bottle instead of a box, or take us to Chipotle instead of Taco Bell. And remember, if you do slip up and it doesn’t work out with Miss Right Now, there’s always the cougar you met back at the bar.

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Thanks again to Madame Weebles for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 5 post

NaNoWriNO Day 7 post

62 Responses to “Mating Call: Men”

  1. benzeknees 11/07/2012 at 9:44 pm #

    I would like to add a couple of points to your list if I may: 1) The first time you go to kiss your new romantic interest don’t try to stick your entire tongue down her throat all at the same time. Another word of caution – if she sticks her tongue in your mouth, please don’t try to suck it out by the root. 2) If you are trying to incite passion in your date, please don’t try to stick your entire tongue into their ear while panting “Do you wanna?”
    Love your list, men could use all the help they can get.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2012 at 10:09 am #

      Good point. I mean, if you want future kissing you probably don’t want to vacuum the tongue right out of her mouth.

      Did someone really say, “Do you wanna?” in your ear like that? It’s like a line from a bad Lifetime Original movie.

      • benzeknees 11/09/2012 at 12:28 pm #

        Actually someone did, needless to say there were no future dates.

  2. Lyssapants 11/07/2012 at 11:24 am #

    One of the ways my manpartner lured me in was not farting in front of me for the first lovely year of our courtship. Once I was hooked on his brand of nerd-meth, he let the dirty bombs contaminate our love, and once I regain consciousness, I am still too weak and defenseless to resist. Damn him and his heinous, heinous colon.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/07/2012 at 2:34 pm #

      It’s like babies. They get you with their sweet-smelling heads, and tiny giggles. Then they grow up and ruin your new couch by drawing on it with a Sharpie.

      You’ve got a crafty one on your hands.

  3. kelsgonebush 11/07/2012 at 12:13 am #

    Freakin’ hilarious ! ( and some good points there too Jen ! ) 😉

  4. Stacie Chadwick 11/06/2012 at 9:06 pm #

    Seriously? Could you please stop? You’re making me look bad. Plus I think that’s my Dad in the cherry pie pic.

  5. speaker7 11/06/2012 at 3:44 pm #

    Please explain how that picture of the older male stripper exists? How does that happen exactly because wowza!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 3:59 pm #

      That is a REAL picture of the REAL Guinness Book of World Records record holder for the oldest male stripper.

      • speaker7 11/06/2012 at 4:30 pm #

        Awesome. I buy Guinness World Record books for my elementary library. If that picture ain’t in there, I’m gonna start a riot.

  6. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/06/2012 at 3:25 pm #

    Oh man – I pulled a Drunkin’ Doughnut once… when my ex came over for dinner once, I’d expected him to be there around 7, and by the time he got there at 10 (we learned to better communicate times after this) I was one bottle of wine + 3 bottles of beer down… oh man I was drunkity… >.<

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 4:00 pm #

      Were you guys already dating then? I think there’s a rule where you get to puke on someone if you’re in a relationship with them, and they keep you waiting.

  7. Nicole Marie 11/06/2012 at 1:35 pm #

    This made me laugh. So. Hard. I once dated a guy who asked me out to breakfast, picked me up, then proceeded to let me know how much my half of the bill was. I’m all for splitting the bill – or one leaving the tip, the other paying – once we’ve been dating for a while, but this was probably our second, maybe third date. Boys are dummies!!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:45 pm #

      I think you have to know who you’re with. I have a friend who gets offended when a guy tries to buy her a drink, and others (like you) believe a guy should throw a little romance in there. I think the easiest way to combat this is just to say, “FYI, you’re feeding me tonight.”

  8. calahan 11/06/2012 at 1:26 pm #

    So, continue to brush my teeth even though I’m married? Man, relationships are hard.

  9. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/06/2012 at 1:23 pm #

    I want this made into a poster. It is priceless. And true. Every. Damn, Word. ‘dick punch waiting to happen..’ I spit out my whiskey over that one…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:52 pm #

      It was so funny you spit out your precious whiskey!? I can die happy.

  10. Soul Walker 11/06/2012 at 1:02 pm #

    “Drunkin Doughnuts” is awesome. You should trademark that or something.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:17 pm #

      Just the term, or should I actually make donuts that get people drunk?

      • Soul Walker 11/06/2012 at 1:28 pm #

        Definitely both. You may be a genius… I am just glad I was “here” to “see” this happen “today.”

  11. Ashley Austrew 11/06/2012 at 12:42 pm #

    Oh my Jeeze. This was freaking hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:17 pm #

      “Oh my jeeze” is one of the highest compliments I could receive.

  12. Bill Friday 11/06/2012 at 11:35 am #

    I will never get enough Palabras Profundas para Los Tonicos.

    Where to begin…

    I think it’s automatically assumed by most guys that the start of a great date always begins with your potential Rose asking you, “Is that frozen driftwood in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Additionally, if you choose to wear Billy Zane’s wig on the date, don’t go swimming. Also guys, remember, if you had a bag of turds for lunch, make sure the two of you SHARED that bag, and the fart cake for dessert that followed. That way, both your breaths cancel each other. And if she’s just not into turds for lunch, bring a toothbrush… or a plastic flask of boxed wine. Oh, and another lunchtime tip…

    If she says she’s into Cherry Pie a la Mode, she’s telling you that this date is over before it began.

    Finally, if you really, REALLY care for her, don’t take six months to make that call. If she really DID like you, it might be a deal breaker.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:19 pm #

      You’re going to TRICK her by putting boxed wine in a flask, and then not call her for six months? You sound like my kinda guy.

  13. La La 11/06/2012 at 10:11 am #

    A thousand asses is like…a lot of asses.

  14. Paul M Chapman 11/06/2012 at 9:10 am #

    Pure gold again Jen. I don’t know exactly what it is, but sometimes if I oversleep, there comes this God awful smell in the room which is only detectable by Louise. The door opens, and her face changes. Talking through the duvet is my gentlemanly way of avoiding breathing death in her face.
    Thanks for the laughs today!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:22 pm #

      “Death breath” is the perfect way to describe the smell emitting from most of our mouths in the morning.

  15. Dani Heart 11/06/2012 at 8:59 am #

    So funny Jen. I am totally laughing…I love the part about the breath. LOL

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:23 pm #

      I imagined your giggle and started laughing! Noelle must wonder what kind of stuff you’re reading these days…

  16. writerwendyreid 11/06/2012 at 8:44 am #

    I mentioned the not calling point just recently. I asked a guy at work that and he admitted that he does it. Really believed he was doing the right thing by stringing her along instead of being honest and telling her that he wasn’t interested enough to see her again (or even the first time). It’s a freakin miracle that the entire female population hasn’t turned to women.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:24 pm #

      I actually have it on my list of topics to potentially write about since you submitted it! It’s just such a cowardly way of doing things. It’s like they think we’ll all fall to pieces if they’re honest with us. I’ve never been on a first date with someone where I thought, “If this man doesn’t like me, I’ll die.”

      • writerwendyreid 11/06/2012 at 3:05 pm #

        I was actually thinking more about when you meet a guy for the first time, let’s say in a bar. He ASKS you for your number, you stupidly give it to him and then he never calls. Why ASK for the number and then not call? It’s not like we’re gonna push it on you…if you don’t want it, just not ask.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 3:07 pm #

          It’s an “exit strategy” from what I’ve been told.

  17. Daan van den Bergh 11/06/2012 at 8:36 am #

    Look, I agree with everything in this post, BESIDES the mention of that Titanic-guy dying over that chick. Everything is fine, but we all know that she didn’t care enough for the guy and that’s why just let him drown. They could’ve shared the wood, she could’ve given him wood, plenty of ways to stay afloat, yet she agreed in a split-second for him to freeze to death in the water AND drown. I’m just saying: major hole in the storyline!

  18. becca3416 11/06/2012 at 8:32 am #

    “I really like you, but I’d like it better if we were never around each other again” – if only I could actually make my mouth form these words I could have avoided a lot of drawn out flings. I am too nice sometimes to be this blunt, even when it is for the better.

    I also snickered at “fart cake”.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:27 pm #

      I couldn’t utter those words either. I usually end up saying I have a genetic disorder which is causing me to grow a penis at a very slow rate. That usually does the trick.

      • becca3416 11/06/2012 at 1:34 pm #

        I like that. I have a new back-out-of-progressing-relationship plan

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/06/2012 at 3:19 pm #

      Girl – I hear you. Same problem. But I don’t know if I could make my mouth utter, “I’m growing a penis” either. ^.^

  19. Katy Kern 11/06/2012 at 7:16 am #

    I would like to at add to gas section – belching is an absolute turn off for me. It’s vile, rude and can emit an odor just as bad as what comes out of the other end of your suitor. Excuse yourself, close your mouth or stop eating too fast! Please, for the love god!! 🙂

    FYI – I laughed out loud, Jen. Brilliantly funny, as usual!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:31 pm #

      I absolutely hate those burps that smell exactly like what someone ate. It’s like, “Oh, I see you had a tun fish sandwich and oatmeal cookie for lunch. Awesome.”

  20. El Guapo 11/06/2012 at 7:14 am #

    Any idea how to pick up the hot girl singing lead in the Cherry Pie video?
    😉

    • John the Aussie 11/06/2012 at 12:09 pm #

      Do a cover version via Sinatra voice while sporting the body of a Spartan would be my guess.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:36 pm #

      You always did have refined taste is (wo)men.

  21. Storkhunter 11/06/2012 at 6:59 am #

    Again, so glad my finger is shackled and I no longer have to worry about the big bad world of dating. I do agree that husband’s shouldn’t forget their personal hygiene once they’ve taken her up the aisle (minds out the gutter, people!) Men, remember, if you take good care of your girl, compliment her, treat her well and remember personal hygiene she won’t mind if you sometimes go for the box rather than the bottle (buy two and then she really won’t care) or the occasional butt trumpet – occasional!!
    My hubby’s breath is always minty fresh – if not there would be lawyers involved.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      “Taken her up the aisle” sounds like a term that needs to be on UrbanDictionary.com.

      I agree, a good BOGO deal on wine pretty much makes up for anything.

  22. Christopher De Voss 11/06/2012 at 6:40 am #

    Really? Really? Dancing to Cherry Pie in my silver thong on top of the bar has worked for me several times! I’m crying foul to this post. (Where did you get a picture of my Dad?)

    • John the Aussie 11/06/2012 at 12:01 pm #

      He’s your dad to?

      • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:18 pm #

        So many illegitimate children, I’m sure. I mean, look at him!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:38 pm #

      He sent it to me when we were sexting last night.

      Also, you’re the exception to the rule. I think you can really pull off bar top hussy.

  23. aliceatwonderland 11/06/2012 at 6:13 am #

    Yes, who can forget the Leonardo-sickle? Also, Careless Butt Whisper was truly inspiring. I think I will write a post on possible band names. You can be my drummer. You don’t actually have to know how. Remember Milli Vanilli?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 1:39 pm #

      I can’t drum, but I can beat box. I’ll drop the mad beats just for you.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Mating Call: Women « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/12/2012

    […] NaNoWriNO Day 6 Post […]

  2. Gender Bending « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/07/2012

    […] NaNoWriNO Day 6 post […]

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