NaNoWriNO Day 6
Topic: Dating – part deux
Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.
none all of you are wondering how to land a hot mess lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.
Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.
Put a ring on it
Before your balls go crawling up back inside of you, I’m not talking about marriage here. I’m saying that if you tell a girl you’re going to call her at the end of a date, you need to friggin’ do it. It’s far better to be the guy who issues a brush off than the guy who runs into the girl you never called in a grocery story. It’s like a dick punch waiting to happen. Jen approved method of letting someone down easy: “I really like you, but I’d like it better if we were never around each other again.”
I think some men were confused (or scared) by the feminist movement, and lost the ability to determine when they were being gentleman, and when they were being oppressive he-devils. You need to call me the bus driver because I’m about to take you to school. Jack died for Rose in “Titanic” by giving her the last piece of driftwood. The least you can do is hold the door open for your date, and walk her to her door. Jen approved method of squiring a lady: “It’s so cold that I just saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Please, take my jacket.”
Class, sass and a whole lot of gas
There are two things that will kill a lady boner in the middle of a date: your wife showing up, or noises coming from your pants that make us think you need to do a quick underwear check. I once ate bad chicken during dinner with a potential suitor, and held in a cheek flapper for so long I thought it was actually going to kill me. You can excuse yourself, or hold it in, or say a prayer and hope it goes away, but you cannot let it rip in front of her. Jen approved gas method: Pucker that sucker and hope for the best.
Talk to the pinky because your breath is stinky
I beg you, if you choose to only take one thing away from this post, please take this little nugget of wisdom. Women will not want to kiss you if it smells like you had a bag of turds for lunch, and followed it with a fart cake for dessert. I don’t care how rich or good looking you are, if your breath makes her involuntarily throw up in her mouth, you aren’t getting that kiss. Jen approved breath method: USE A DAMN TOOTHBRUSH.
I think a large portion of my male readership is married, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also benefit from these tips. Have you noticed your wife backing away from you when you try to kiss her? Did she have to hold back your hair while you puked up three beers and a martini? Is she lugging around a can of air freshener when you two are together? Wives need a little romance too.
Most of us women are surprisingly low-maintenance, and just want to feel like a guy is treating us differently than he would his frat buddy. It’s the little things you do that are really meaningful. Buy us wine in a bottle instead of a box, or take us to Chipotle instead of Taco Bell. And remember, if you do slip up and it doesn’t work out with Miss Right Now, there’s always the cougar you met back at the bar.
Thanks again to Madame Weebles for suggesting this topic.