sips of jen and tonic

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J&T: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I have been on a blogging hiatus as some of you (okay, all of you) noticed. I’ve been busy with all sorts of life things, and had to take a step away to take care of business. I still owe you a post on everything that has been going on with me, but I had to come back today because it’s a special occasion. No, I’m not announcing that I’m pregnant with David Hasselhoff’s baby, or that scientists have decided to study a genetic mutation I have which causes my extreme awesomeness. Today is the birthday of my matey from another lady, Sara from Laments and Lullabies!

Some of you may not know this, but Sara and I go way back. Not like we-shared-a-womb-and-she-hogged-all-of-the-good-fluid kind of way back, but the kind that has allowed us to share many fun experiences together. How does one honor a friend like this on her birthday? I was going to write a long post about how beautiful and talented and funny and cool she is, but isn’t that common knowledge? Instead, I’ve decided to invite all of you to take a look back at some of my favorite moments with her.

Halloween 2009. She didn’t have a sidecar so she made me ride on the roof of her Smart car.

Photo courtesy of FaceInHole

Continue reading →

Tags: batman and robin costume, birthday surprises, ET, happy birthday, I hit like a girl, I pooped my pants while skydiving, I took a cruise and all I got was this lousy piece of driftwood, I've got mad breakdancing skills, jen and tonic, Justin Bieber is a Canadian national treasure, laments and lullabies, Lord of the rings, sips of jen and tonic, tax evasion is bad

Comments 50 Comments
Categories Fun Times, Hooked on Tonic, Misc.

The Car Makes the Man

26 Jun

Credit: Meme Center

I was at the grocery store the other day when I watched a ’97 Camero with tinted windows hastily pull into a handicapped parking space. As I waited for the driver to get out, I immediately formed an image of what I thought he or she might look like. I came up with: male, 25-35, bad fake tan, a sweatband on his forearm, aviator sunglasses, and a spandex Under Armour shirt which prominently displayed his nipples. I got 5 out of the 6 right; I should have known people wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses this time of year. Rookie mistake!

This got me thinking as to whether or not you can accurately predict a man’s characteristics and/or lifestyle based solely on his car. Sure, there are vehicles which are obvious predictors of things such as wealth or the need for speed, but can you tell more about someone from his ride than just how much money he’s got in the bank? I called my high-ranking friends at the CDC, FBI, CIA, TSA and NKOTB to see if they would assist in gathering data, but I got a lot of dial tones. On the upside, I’m pretty sure I’m on some “Watch Lists” now!

Not one to be deterred, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I gathered my materials and performed highly scientific research in one of the most prestigious labs in the world: a Safeway parking lot. My findings (after 30 minutes and a bag of beef jerky) are as follows: Continue reading →

Tags: 1970 AMC Gremlin, a 67 mustang is a major panty dropper, drivers of windowless vans are predators, gene wilder will call you out on your small penis, george hamilton tan, hummer drivers are douches, humor, jen and tonic, Kia soul hamster, sips of jen and tonic, street pharmacology, volvo drivers have sex with their socks on, what your car says about you

Comments 65 Comments
Categories Misc.

Troublemaker: TJ Lubrano

13 Jun

Some of you may not know this, but I am married to a much younger woman. In a very official Facebook ceremony, I got hitched to the always lovely TJ Lubrano. We had a beautiful e-ceremony near a pond filled with afro ducks, and the guests feasted on Appelflappen and cupcakes all night long. We twirled in circles, the guests UNTZed on the dance floor, and lots of glitter was tossed about. It was like an acid trip, but without all of the nasty side effects and eventual rehab stint.

Alas, I’ve been a terrible wife to her. I have not once done the dishes, and I constantly leave the toilet seat up. I’ve totally let myself go, and haven’t worn a pair of pants with a zipper and button since we walked down the aisle. I spend hours wrapped up in Pinterest, and I force her to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta with me. Worst of all, I never took my darling bride on a honeymoon!

I needed to redeem myself because, seriously, how can you just skip over the honeymoon like that? I needed to plan something spectacular, a trip for the ages. So I flipped through numerous (okay, two) travel brochures, and decided I should take her to Disneyland! She screamed so loudly when I told her that I now have permanent hearing damage in my left ear.

She took a Percocet prior to taking off, and slept like a little angel the whole way. She woke up refreshed and ready to go:

Continue reading →

Tags: appelflappen, Disneyland, happy wife happy life, I got married on Facebook, I left my hear in San Francisco but I left my savings in Disneyland, I only wear Pajama Jeans, I'm a terrible wife, I've got to buy my wife a castle, It's a small world makes me want to hurt people, jen and tonic, league of legends, Major league gaming, Nikasaur, sips of jen and tonic, Team Tonic Troublemakers, tj lubrano, UNTZ

Comments 66 Comments
Categories Team Tonic's Troublemakers

Facebook Fouls

6 Jun

My post-dump sexiness

Nobody tell my boyfriend, but I’m in love with another. It makes me laugh with its witty memes. It keeps me updated on current events by directing me to news stories. It reminds me of birthdays and upcoming events. It doesn’t mind that I semi-stalk friends of friends. This lover has a name– Facebook.

But as much as I love Facebook, there are obvious drawbacks to the site: it’s a huge time waster, the new layout is mediocre at best, and perhaps the worst of all, some of your friends will really begin to annoy the crap out of you. Maybe you didn’t realize how much your friend from college griped about her children, or that your father-in-law should be an honorary member of the Klu Klux Klan. Thanks to Facebook, now you do.

Some Facebook offenses are definitely worse than others. I know someone who told his wife he was divorcing her by posting it to her wall. Another person e-mailed all of her ex-boyfriend’s contacts (myself included) to tell us how he sucked his thumb after sex. These are egregious and rare occurrences on Facebook; most of the offenses are far more subtle.

Man (or woman) in the mirror.

I can’t think of a place I’d want to take a picture less than in my bathroom. This is where you abandon what you ate for lunch, and somehow it is inspiring many of you to perform photo shoots starring you and a Smartphone. You brush your teeth in the bathroom. You take a shower in the bathroom. Some of you even groom your pubes in there. You don’t snap sexy pictures in the middle of a room which has particles of urine and dead skin cells floating around in it. Do what normal people do and learn how to use the self-timer feature so you can take a picture in front of a tree or a Burger King or anywhere else the world doesn’t equate with bowel movements. With so many of you wearing swimsuits in your photos I would have expected to see more poolside shots. Continue reading →

Tags: annoying facebook behavior, Diogiorno pizza, drop a deuce, FarmVille sucks, humblebrag, humor, I make out with my hand, jen and tonic, Kanye west all caps rage, riding the drama llama, sips of jen and tonic, Spandau Ballet, taking mirror pictures, Took a poop and then took a picture

Comments 55 Comments
Categories Advice

What’s In My Bag?

27 May

YouTube is a huge time suck for me. I love going on there and watching all sorts of different videos: music, DIY, fitness, hypnosis, inspirational, movie clips. Have any of you ever noticed how you get to a really strange part of YouTube if you surf around long enough? I once came across a video where a doctor inflates a patient’s penile prosthesis by squeezing his scrotum. If you don’t want to watch the video I’ll summarize it by saying it was a lot like those Air Jordans you could pump up by pressing on the tongue of the shoe.

One of my favorite things to watch on the site are videos put out by beauty gurus. Despite being a walking train wreck, I love looking at what cute, fashionable girls are doing with their hair, clothes and makeup. My linebacker shoulders, manly facial features and birthing hips won’t allow me to ever be like any of them, but it’s nice to see how the other side lives.

There’s a series of videos in this community called “What’s in my bag?” which allows viewers to take a look at what things they tote around in their purses. All of their handbags are almost always full of the same things: lipgloss, candy, brushes, blotting papers, sunglasses, deodorant. For those of you who have a life, you’re wondering why anyone would want to watch something like this. Obviously you’re not someone with a healthy addiction to stalking strangers like I am.

I thought it would be fun to show what was in my purse. Maybe this is my attempt at fitting in with the living Barbie dolls. Come on guys, let me have my moment!

Here we go…

The purse in question. I got this from Forever 21 even though I aged out of that store about 10 years ago. Continue reading →

Tags: beauty gurus on youtube, clorox beach pen, humor, I carry a fork because I like to eat, I carry a lighter but I'm not a smoker, I have a fivehead, I'm a hot mess, I'm a train wreck, inflate a penil prosthesis, jen and tonic, making love to me is like making love to a dinosaur, sips of jen and tonic, Speaker7 has stronger than steel kegel muscles, the weird part of youtube, what's in my bag, what's in my purse, why are there batteries in my purse, your breath smells like a crap sandwich

Comments 64 Comments
Categories All About Me, Misc.

The Notebook

25 May

Some people have asked me how I go about writing a post. Seriously, there are people who are curious as to what my creative process is. Why? Who knows. Perhaps to figure out what not to do when constructing what you hope to be a successful blog.

The life cycle of a post is different for each author. Some people type furiously, and click publish. Other people are more methodical, and choose to start with an outline and work from there. My process begins with with my undiagnosed case of ADD, and ends in random phrases jotted down in a notebook.

A notebook is a writer’s best friend, and you should have one with you at all times. My mind races a mile a minute, and I get posts for ideas all the times. Sometimes it’s just the title, other times it’s one sentence that will fuel an entire 800 word rant. Everything needs to be written down somewhere, and my thoughts always end up in my trusty notebook, on post-it notes, or on my arm.

Here’s a “behind the scenes” look at what happens before I submit my posts to the WordPress gods for public consumption. If you’re curious as to the finished piece which came from the scribblings on the notebook picture, you can click here.

All I need is a copy of Catcher in the Rye in my backpack, and I’m a criminal profiler’s prime suspect

Continue reading →

Tags: A look in a creative mind, bill friday, chicken fried steak is the devil, cupcakes make my mouth orgasm, it's always friday, jen and tonic, my friend is a pirate, my notebook makes me look like a serial killer, ryan gosling is a stud despite me making fun of him, sips of jen and tonic, Speaker7 are you reading these tags right now?, the notebook, tj lubrano

Comments 48 Comments
Categories All About Me, Misc.

Troublemaker: The Saucy Aussie

20 May

Man oh man, am I excited about this week’s troublemaker. She’s one of the first people I met on WordPress, and she’s still one of my favorites. Have you ever met someone you were convinced was your sister from a different mister because you are that much alike? That’s how I feel about this Team Tonic Troublemaker.

Things we have in common:

We both kill plants (even a cactus)
We both like to destroy our livers with lots of booze
We are both named Jen
We both love Ikea
We both love the idea of taking a bath, but get bored once we’re in the tub
We both love talking about eating
We are both so sexy that our faces are illegal in 82 countries

Without further ado, I’d like you to introduce you to the real thunder from down under. Her name is Jen, and you can find her over at The Modern Woman’s Society. She’s an insanely cool blogger, and you’d benefit from checking out her site. She talks about liquor, food, life lessons, and she also takes the most amazing photos. Do your life a favor and go read her posts.

She packed her bags, and made the long journey to the Pacific Northwest so we could hang out for bit. I’ve got to be honest, the Portland area hasn’t been the same since. Continue reading →

Tags: humor, I can't keep a plant alive, I don't want children, I love ikea, jen and tonic, kill your liver with alcohol, sips of jen and tonic, slurpees, the modern woman's society, the saucy aussie, vegemite tastes like crap

Comments 52 Comments
Categories Team Tonic's Troublemakers

The Overly Friendly Skies

18 May

Credit: Mercola

I recently went on a business trip to the East Coast. Let me preface this entire story by saying that I don’t dig business travel in the least bit. Wearing fancy adult clothes (I’m a Pajama Jeans kinda girl) is not my idea of a good time, and well, you all know how I feel about work meetings. Additionally, the travel itself is pretty bogus. It usually involves getting up at an ungodly hour just so some disgruntled TSA agent can take a picture of my highly undesirable silhouette. I don’t even like those people seeing my fake weight when they check my license, why would I want them taking a peek at the hot mess that is my physique? Oh well, their funeral.

But I digress…

I kind of figured that the flight there would blow. I got stuck in a middle seat which means not only would I get screwed on leg space, but I could also toss any chance of elbow room out the window. If I was taking a hopper flight it wouldn’t have been so bad, but being sandwiched between two strangers for that long wasn’t something I’d done since college. Continue reading →

Tags: business travel, humor, I considered peeing my pants, I gave myself a bladder infection, jen and tonic, lieftime original movie, my pinky is kinky, pajama jeans, sips of jen and tonic, talkative people on airplanes, the friendly skies, TSA agents seeing my body, valerie bertinelli

Comments 47 Comments
Categories Misc., Work

Sweet Mother’s Shout Out to J&T

13 May

Sweet Mother wrote a post about me, and I loved it so much I almost cried. Almost. I’m not a sissy. PLEASE check it out, and make sure to follow SM. She’s a blogging rockstar.

Sweet Mother

First a note: Happy Mother’s day to all, from your favorite CHILDLESS MOMMY BLOGGER, ME! Second, I know a lot of you have given me some great awards and I have not, as of yet, had time to respond to them, but I promise I will in some way. So, thank you and know that a “fun with awards” type post is on the way.

Now on to the important stuff. Today I would like to introduce this week’s reggie. I call her, “the blogger who I would most like to have drinks with.” (There are a lot of you who fall into that category, but this girl is way high up on that list…) Maybe it’s the title of her blog that makes me feel particularly boozy when I think of her or maybe it’s just her darned hilarious commentary. Every time this blogger stops by my blog…

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