Troublemaker: The Saucy Aussie

20 May

Man oh man, am I excited about this week’s troublemaker. She’s one of the first people I met on WordPress, and she’s still one of my favorites. Have you ever met someone you were convinced was your sister from a different mister because you are that much alike? That’s how I feel about this Team Tonic Troublemaker.

Things we have in common:

  • We both kill plants (even a cactus)
  • We both like to destroy our livers with lots of booze
  • We are both named Jen
  • We both love Ikea
  • We both love the idea of taking a bath, but get bored once we’re in the tub
  • We both love talking about eating
  • We are both so sexy that our faces are illegal in 82 countries

Without further ado, I’d like you to introduce you to the real thunder from down under. Her name is Jen, and you can find her over at The Modern Woman’s Society. She’s an insanely cool blogger, and you’d benefit from checking out her site. She talks about liquor, food, life lessons, and she also takes the most amazing photos. Do your life a favor and go read her posts.

She packed her bags, and made the long journey to the Pacific Northwest so we could hang out for bit. I’ve got to be honest, the Portland area hasn’t been the same since.

It was hot out so we bought Slurpees. She had trouble understanding the sizes because America is lame and measures things in ounces:

My friend Steven kept hitting on her when we went out to dinner. I told him she was married, but her animal magnetism was too much for him:

She wanted to experience American cuisine at its finest, so I bought her some FREEDOM FRIES:

We had a mustache growing contest which she won. I could only grow a Pervert Mustache, but she rocked that full handlebar like a champion:

After one too many drinks, we put on a talent show for the rest of the bar patrons. This is us during our Salt-N-Pepa “Shoop” performance:

I promised her I’d eat Vegemite (a.k.a. the food of the devil) to make her feel at home, but it was out of stock. THANK GOD:

She had been trying to convince me to become infected with a case of the babies, and this was her subtle way of hinting at it. Sorry darling, but as I’ve said here, my ovaries are out of order:

Thanks for coming to visit me! You know I love you to pieces, and you’re welcome back anytime.

If YOU would like to be a Team Tonic Troublemaker, please e-mail me at: I promise I don’t bite…unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Want to stalk me on the interwebz instead? Come hang out with me on Facebook or Twitter. It’s where all the cool kids are at.

52 Responses to “Troublemaker: The Saucy Aussie”

  1. Jen 06/05/2012 at 8:27 pm #

    I just finished reading all of the comments! Our adventures sure created some interest!! I think you need to come and visit me very soon…let me know when you’ve booked your ticket! Or are you coming across aboard the SS Friendship with Lauren? That ships sets sail very soon!

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 2:40 pm #

      YES! It was a huge hit. Seriously, your animal magnetism…

      I WILL visit you one day. Promise.

      • Jen 06/17/2012 at 2:44 pm #

        Until then…you may just have to send Mini Jen over a la Aussie John! I have some kangaroos who are dying to meet you!

        • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 2:45 pm #

          Just don’t get me near a dingo. Don’t they eat babies?!

  2. Janene 05/24/2012 at 5:27 am #

    Wow! That Jen sure gets around! Fun post for a fun blog. Love the mustache photo, too!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/24/2012 at 8:45 am #

      She knows how to have a good time 😉

      Also, I find it telling that I had a fake mustache just laying around for this sort of thing.

  3. Smaktakula 05/23/2012 at 9:52 am #

    I’m pretty sure that in the City of Roses (now the City of Bridges, I believe) “Freedom Fries” are still called “French Fries.”

    Tigard 4 Ever!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/24/2012 at 12:00 am #

      Portland only wants to call them that because they want to boast that they have French cuisine here. Friggin’ foodies…

  4. Katy Kern 05/22/2012 at 10:58 am #

    As always, Jen, you introduce to the most fascinating people in the world. Thank you!

    One day I would love to hang out with you but fear my liver may explode….haha. See ya! 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 11:50 am #

      I’ll send you a PDF showing you how to put your liver through rigorous bootcamp-like training. The liquor aisle will cry when it sees you.

  5. Just Rambling 05/22/2012 at 8:49 am #

    Hahaha you two are hilarious!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 11:49 am #

      You know us, just bringing a little more crazy to the world 😉

  6. Viciously Sweet 05/21/2012 at 2:17 pm #

    OMG. Jen’s United. I think this is the best thing I have read today!
    I think you ladies need a Justice league of Jen’s. I’m surprised she didn’t want to make you some fancy jellies or cookies!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 11:49 am #

      The Jen Justice League? I LOVE IT! I need to find some spandex and a cape quickly.

      We were too busy being silly and intoxicated to make sweets. Oven + liquor = unhappy ending.

  7. Adrienne schmadrienne 05/21/2012 at 2:15 pm #

    Mustache growing contest sounds like loads of fun.
    I couldn’t agree with you more about baths by the way.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 10:51 am #

      Adrienne, I invite you to participate in a mustache growing contest. I don’t think any woman has successfully pulled off the “chin strap” but I think you’re just the woman for the job.

  8. jamiebmusings 05/21/2012 at 10:47 am #

    Great post 🙂 I’m enjoying your blog so much I tagged you for the Beautiful Blogger Award.

  9. paralaxvu 05/21/2012 at 10:24 am #

    Drinks in America don’t come in ounces these days, they’re all extra tall, ginormous, huge-a-matic,and bloated. No wonder Jen had trouble!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 10:50 am #

      All drinks come in two sizes: Enough or too much. Regular drinks should come in “enough” cups while alcoholic drinks should come in “too much” cups.

  10. Rob Rubin 05/20/2012 at 6:16 pm #

    I found a boomerang on my front lawn this morning. And my kid sleeps with a stuffed koala bear. Am I impressing your friend yet? Didn’t think so. Okay, back to my man cave I go, where I shall sprawl out on the floor half naked and jiggle my belly fat till my wife walks in and gives me that “Why did I marry you?” eye roll.

    • Jen 05/20/2012 at 7:53 pm #

      I’m totally impressed that your son managed to import a stuffed koala…especially as they have just been added to the endangered species list over here.

      As for the boomerang on your front lawn, you know they were used for killing things right? Got any frenemies looking to knock you unconscience when you retrieve the morning paper? 🙂

      • Rob Rubin 05/20/2012 at 7:57 pm #

        Well, my neighbor has been especially agitated about the fact that I’ve been urinating on his lawn. But I don’t see why. That’s the only part of his lawn with any flowers.

        • Jen 05/20/2012 at 8:52 pm #

          And if he had a lemon tree, I’d say a donation of fresh urine is almost as good a basket of hot muffins delivered to your door.

          What’s with people these days?

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 10:49 am #

      Tell her that some men give their wives a six pack, but you’re giving her an entire keg.

  11. Jen 05/20/2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Jen Jen!!! I only just got back through customs!! They heard I’d been to visit you and gave me a mutha of a time about it!

    OMG – you sure know how to show a girl a good time!!! Besides me breaking Steven’s heart, and you breaking my heart with still refusing to hot bun your oven, it was the trip dreams are made of! My liver will never be the same.

    I have to say the distinct lack of Vegemite in your grocery stores only goes to prove that Americans as so crazy for the stuff they can’t keep the stock up to you! Either that, or the Devil was also visiting Portland that weekend.

    Thank you again for the best weekend of my life! Anytime you feel like coming Down Under…let me know. You’ll need to strap on your Redbacks and hold on for dear life.

    You totally rock the trouble-making world! Love love!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 10:48 am #

      I heard you had trouble getting through customs! It must be that “Too Hot to Handle” sticker our FDA made you slap on.

      How is your liver doing? Mine is still screaming at me, but what’s new?

      Your point about Vegemite made me think…what if Americans DO like this stuff? STOP INFILTRATING OUR BORDERS. Interestingly, I found out that it’s hard to find in the States because it was banned at one point. We allow rampant obesity, but god forbid yeast extract!

      I can’t wait to visit you on your turf!!! 😀


  12. Bill Friday 05/20/2012 at 10:20 am #

    I too love many Oz themed concepts not readily known by your average Bludger in the States, or at least one who knows his Brekkie from a Brickie, and how the sight of a brown-eyed mullet can make even a strapping bloke chunder. Now if you could just get this bloggy Sheila to explain the difference between rugby and Australian Rules Football, I might even let you call me a whacka gone walkabout … the next time a couple of longneck XXXX’s have got me wobbly boot on.

    Oh, and that Salt-N-Pepa picture has the two of you looking like a couple of right sexy hoons. Just sayin.

    • Jen and Tonic 05/20/2012 at 1:33 pm #

      Wow, I thought Redondo Beach was in Calfornia, not Australia. This whole time I thought you were American…

      I can honestly say I didn’t understand a word you said in your comment. A ‘bloke chunder’ sounds like something teenage boys do in the bathroom while looking at Hustler.

      You’re so money.

    • Jen 05/20/2012 at 4:09 pm #

      Sounds like someones taken a crash course in Aussie slang! Even I had to think twice about the brown-eyed mullet. Ewwww.

      If ever there was an Aussie girl who knew less about footy, I’m yet to find her. But the difference as I understand it is:
      Rugby – The players are built like a brick sh*thouse, tackle each other with awkward man grabs and usually score points by touch downs.
      AFL (Aussie Rules) – The players are long and lean with beautiful arms, kick the ball from one end to the other and do graceful jumps into the air.

      Wobbly bood…tee hee.

      • Jen 05/20/2012 at 4:12 pm #

        *Boot! Although a wobbly bood sounds just as intoxicated.

    • John the Aussie 05/22/2012 at 4:38 am #

      Oh god, even the slang’s spelling gets butchered in yankland…

      Bloody septic tanks…

      Australian Rules Football, the ball is light so it moves further and you hug the players to try and rid the ball from them. Imagine ballet mixed with touch football where hugging and kis… err kicking is allowed.

      Rugby union is a full contact sport. Much compared to Ice Hockey style of brutality. Except those that wear padding in Union, are deemed “Pussies”…

      • John the Aussie 05/22/2012 at 4:44 am #

        And that’s far from saying Ice hockey people are pussies, I’d never play ice hockey without the damned gear on…

      • Jen and Tonic 05/22/2012 at 10:17 am #

        I think taking a man to play Rugby is an excellent pre-date screening. If he survives, he gets the date. If not, I hope he has good health insurance.

        • John the Aussie 05/23/2012 at 4:29 am #

          A great way to sift through possibles for future dates of my daughter…

  13. Ink. [Anette] 05/20/2012 at 10:20 am #

    Oh this brings back lovely memories Jen. You are a shooting star girl. No you are a rocking star… sorry. A rocking star out of orbit. Love your creativity, your crazyness and your vivid imagination.

  14. El Guapo 05/20/2012 at 7:52 am #

    Love the troublemaker entries! So did she ever figure out that damned slurpee machine?

    • Jen and Tonic 05/20/2012 at 1:27 pm #

      She ended up just putting her mouth on the tap, and drinking it that way. MAJOR brain freeze after that.

  15. TJLubrano 05/20/2012 at 7:47 am #

    Woohooo! Such a cool trip 🙂 YOu know I think I saw Marmite here in the shop…not Vegemite though. I don’t even know what that is. Never bought Marmite either. ALSO never heard of Freedom fries! This has become a teaching post for me haha. *makes notes*

    Now I shall fly over to Jen’s site!!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/20/2012 at 1:26 pm #

      Vegemite and Marmite are both yeast extracts. Vegemite is the Australian version, and Marmite is the British version. That’s how I understand it anyway…

      Freedom Fries were the way the US President showed the rest of the world how much he sucked.

      I think you’ll really like her site!

      • John the Aussie 05/23/2012 at 5:23 am #

        Vegemite is Barley Yeast extract…. Not sure on marmite or.promite….

        • Jen and Tonic 05/23/2012 at 8:34 am #

          Thank god you’re here to answer all of the Australia-related questions! It saves me the time of having to google all of this stuff.

          By the way, are YOU a vegemite fan? Is it mandatory for all Australians?

          • John the Aussie 05/23/2012 at 12:48 pm #

            I eat vegemite. And its not unAustralian to not eat it.

        • TJLubrano 05/26/2012 at 2:30 am #

          There is Promite as well? Goodness! Holland is so slow with picking up stuff.

          • John the Aussie 05/26/2012 at 2:45 am #

            All three are made from the by product left from beer making, the barley yeast extract/ Just add a little salt and change the type of beer and different flavours are left. A friend of mine actually makes his own type of vegemite from his homebrewed beer, tastes like shit.

          • TJLubrano 05/26/2012 at 3:30 am #

            Like shit? Oh dear! Haha. The home-brewed beer tastes good on its own though?

            Thank you for replying ^_^

          • John the Aussie 05/26/2012 at 5:08 am #

            The brew does taste good, luckily, otherwise I’d have nothing to drink the tainted homemade vegemite scones…

          • TJLubrano 05/26/2012 at 8:55 am #

            Ah! Hallelujah!!

            Now I want to bake scones. Normal ones, not vegemite ones.

  16. speaker7 05/20/2012 at 7:28 am #

    You have some of the best tags I’ve ever seen. I especially like the “kill you liver with alcohol” tag. Why is that not an official wordpress topic?

    • Jen and Tonic 05/20/2012 at 1:24 pm #

      I think “I accidentally got involved in a threesome” and “This mole on my arm is actually dried chocolate” should also be WordPress tags.


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