The NEW New Year’s Resolutions

1 Jan

Credit: Forever Alone Comics

Today is the first day of the year, and you know what that means: everyone is starting their resolutions! My Facebook timeline has been filled with friends promising to work out more, travel abroad, think more positively, find new jobs and other fairly typical aspirations for this time of the year.

BORING. It’s not that I dislike these resolutions, but can’t we mix it up a bit? Wanting to plant a garden? That’s so 2010. Learning another language? Don’t even get me started. Want to yell at your kids less? Let’s face it, we all wish you yelled at them more.

This is why I’ve taken the liberty of writing new New Year’s Resolutions, the ones I hope people actually stick to this year.

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And the Award Goes To…

17 Dec

I told you guys back in October that I had won a Versatile Blogger Award from the very lovely Lisa over at Main Street Musings. This was a pretty big deal because: (a)  it is the first award I have won for this blog and (b) I really admire Lisa’s sense of humor. Well, I’ve gone and done it again because Joey of The Ballad of Joey Flowers has nominated me for this award as well!  He posted my nomination ages ago, but better late than never, right?

Please take a moment to visit his blog, and show him some Tonic love. Big ups to you, Joey!

It’s actually a good thing I got nominated a second time because the first time I screwed it up. I was supposed to nominate 15 people, and only ended up nominating 8. Oopsie poopsie! This gives me the opportunity to make up it, and tell you guys about 7 more bloggers I adore. I have gone and done you the favor of linking to super duper awesome posts of theirs. You’re welcome.

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Happy Mirthday!

13 Dec

 

My reaction to turning 30

“How does it feel now that you’re 30?”

I’ve gotten this question a number of times since turning the big 3-0 two weeks ago. I think everyone expected (and some hoped) that I’d have a nervous breakdown over this milestone birthday. Sorry to disappoint, but I care more about what’s happening between Sam and Ronnie on “Jersey Shore” than I do my own age.

It could have something to do with the fact that I’ve never gone beyond the maturity level of a 5th grader. Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a mother who aged very gracefully, and didn’t freak out over each passing year. The most likely cause of my jubilation is that, like a fine wine, I get better with age…and when paired with a kickass cheese.

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We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program

19 Oct

I know you all came here today to read one of my great American masterpieces *pauses and waits until the laughter dies down* but today I’m putting up a post of a different kind. Since I began writing, I’ve been met with kindhearted individuals who have supported my pursuit to share with the world what’s happening in my twisted mind. People have posted my articles on Facebook, forwarded them to coworkers for a midday giggle, and have even tweeted them to their (Twitter) audiences.

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The Outsider

28 Sep

Credit: Adapted from Major Arcana

Being around groups of women makes me nervous. I’m not talking about the “I’m feeling a little anxious about meeting new people” type of nervousness, but in the “it feels like it’s raining from my armpits, and my bowels are in such distress I’m afraid I may crap my pants” way. My social skills have never been up to par (shocking, I’m sure) but they are especially terrible when I’m around other women. I can’t relate to most of what they’re talking about, and I find myself having to refrain from constantly making “that’s what she said” jokes.

All of my closest friends have always been men. This has never been by design; in fact, I’ve tried really hard to fit in with the ladies. I’m always on my best behavior at first: no swearing, abstaining from making a disgusted face when someone mentions a movie adapted from a Nicholas Sparks book, and keeping the fact that I’m wearing an adult diaper because of an impending backdoor blowout under wraps. Inevitably, my real personality comes out, and invitations to partake in “girls only” outings begin to dwindle.

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How-to: Decipher M4W Personals

21 Sep

Last week I explored the wonderful world of W4M (woman for man) dating ads, and immediately knew that I wanted to write a follow up piece which helped women decipher the M4W (man for woman) personals. I didn’t think this would prove to be nearly as entertaining because, well, the ladies were stretching the truth more than politicians during election season.

I’m woman enough to admit I was wrong. Very, very wrong. It seems that the entire dating world is infected with a disease which makes people incapable of telling the truths about themselves. The men, just like the women, were unable to avoid catching the bug. Continue reading →

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How-to: Decipher W4M Personals

14 Sep

Credit: Craigslist

Last week I wrote about breakups, and the bad behavior which sometimes ensues as a result of them. So what happens to these people when they finally decide to put the pieces of their lives back together again? Well, they get back in the saddle and start dating again.

It used to be that you had to meet people at bars, parties, school, church, blind dates (shudder) or even through friends. Some people chose to commit career suicide and date someone from work. Nowadays there are so many more options for single people: speed dating, singles cruises, matchmaking services, volunteering, support groups or even the internet.

Meeting people on the internet is a completely viable option in my opinion. We connect with old friends that way. We network for new jobs that way. We go shopping that way. Why can’t we find a mate that way? I think people are hesitant because the internet has gotten a reputation for being the place where people take great liberty in embellishing (okay, lying) about who they really are.

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The Ex Factor

7 Sep

Credit: K. Hamierzarin

My Facebook feed has been reading like a relationship graveyard for the past month. One couple after another is biting the dust, and I’m seeing “[Insert name here] is now single” more than Farmville, Café World and Mafia Wars requests combined. Perhaps it’s because summer’s end is rapidly approaching, or something is in the water. Whatever it is, people just aren’t feeling each other anymore.

I would say that most of us handle a breakup like champions. We cry, go for drinks with friends, discard anything that reminds us of this former part of ourselves, or watch more episodes of “Golden Girls” than we care to admit. All of these are healthy outlets for the sadness and loneliness one feels after a relationship has been severed.

Some are not so dignified in their approach. We all know at least one person who believes a breakup is a reason for a breakdown, and allow themselves to get sucked into a dimension where self-respect doesn’t exist. Most people roll their eyes and patiently wait for the time when their friend returns, but if you’re like me, you can’t wait to put them on blast.

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Oregon vs. California

31 Aug

Credit: adapted from artwork by Vacuum3D

I’ve lived in Oregon for three years now, and only recently have I felt like I’ve adjusted to living here. It’s not that this is a bad place; rather, moving from California seemed like coming from a different planet. The two places couldn’t be more opposite, and sometimes it shocks me that they actually border each other.

Quite often in the first year after we moved I threatened go back home. The people drove too slowly, I couldn’t find one decent Mexican restaurant, I was convinced the radio stations only had three songs they all played on a loop. My significant other would remind me that homesickness clouds our judgment about the place we were so desperate to get out of in the first place.

He was right. I had forgotten about all of the things which really bothered me about my home state because I was so focused on griping about the new place. So I did some side-by-side comparisons, and realized both have their quirks.

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