How-to: Decipher M4W Personals

Last week I explored the wonderful world of W4M (woman for man) dating ads, and immediately knew that I wanted to write a follow up piece which helped women decipher the M4W (man for woman) personals. I didn’t think this would prove to be nearly as entertaining because, well, the ladies were stretching the truth more than politicians during election season.

I’m woman enough to admit I was wrong. Very, very wrong. It seems that the entire dating world is infected with a disease which makes people incapable of telling the truths about themselves. The men, just like the women, were unable to avoid catching the bug.

• Says: “I’m tired of being single.”
• Translation: “I’m tired of the only hand touching my junk being my own.”

• Says: “I am especially attracted to Southeast Asian, or Eastern European women.”
• Translation: “I will lock you in a closet, and make you my concubine.”

• Says: “Lonely, but not desperate.”
• Translation: “Lonely, and desperate.”

• Says: “I’m looking for a fresh start.”
• Translation: “I just got out of rehab, and instead of looking for a sponsor, I’m looking for an emotional crutch.”

• Says: “Not looking for anything serious right now.”
• Translation: “I’ll have sex with you on the first date, and never call you again.”

• Says: “I want to meet a woman who blows my mind.”
• Translation: [insert obvious joke here]

• Says: “I’m looking for someone to regularly join me for lunch, or happy hours.”
• Translation: “I’m married.”

• Says: “Looking for someone to cuddle with.”
• Translation: “We’ll start with cuddling, but I’ll quickly move to poking you in the butt with my stiffy.”

• Says: “My mother is the important person in my life, and I want to find a woman who is just like her.”
• Translation: “I’ve got serious Oedipus issues that only intensive therapy can solve.”

• Says: “I’d like to find a woman who will cook, clean the house, and raise the children for us.”
• Translation: “I’m a misogynist, and you won’t be able to do a single thing without my permission.”

• Says: “I want a girl who knows how to have a good time.”
• Translation: “I want someone who won’t make me work for sex.”

• Says: “Looking for a good Christian woman.”
• Translation: “Looking for a woman who repeatedly screams, ‘Oh God!’ during sex.”

• Says: “I appreciate an active woman.”
• Translation: “No chubs, please.”

• Says: “I enjoy swimming in my Olympic-sized pool, and driving around with the top down in my Porsche.”
• Translation: “My penis is incredibly small.”

• Says: “I’m looking for a real woman.”
• Translation: “I’m tired of having to masturbate to the auto-replies I receive from spambots.”

• Says: “I find pregnant women remarkably beautiful.”
• Translation: “I’ve always wondered what it’s like to mushroom tap a fetus.”

• Says: “I know how to please a woman.”
• Translation: “I’ve watched countless hours of hardcore porn, and believe I know what a woman wants.”

• Says: “I love a curvy woman.”
• Translation: “I want you to be more stacked than a plate of pancakes at IHOP.”

Something I learned along the way is that men and women have a totally different approach when writing these ads. Women believe it’s better to manipulate the truth until it becomes desirable. Men believe it’s better to say the things they think women want to hear.

This behavior causes everyone to lose out. We spend so much time rewriting who we really are, and trying to figure out which other people are also rewriting themselves, that we don’t have energy left over to put in to a real relationship. This combination can only end in an abysmal success rate for finding a mate on the internet.

All of my research has made me so happy to be coupled. I’m not the type of person who wants to spend the time making my less than desirable qualities seem appealing; conversely, I wouldn’t waste my energy interpreting what other people are trying to say. This is why, without my boyfriend, I’d be writing this article with some stranger’s stiffy poking me in the butt.