How-to: Decipher W4M Personals

Credit: Craigslist

Last week I wrote about breakups, and the bad behavior which sometimes ensues as a result of them. So what happens to these people when they finally decide to put the pieces of their lives back together again? Well, they get back in the saddle and start dating again.

It used to be that you had to meet people at bars, parties, school, church, blind dates (shudder) or even through friends. Some people chose to commit career suicide and date someone from work. Nowadays there are so many more options for single people: speed dating, singles cruises, matchmaking services, volunteering, support groups or even the internet.

Meeting people on the internet is a completely viable option in my opinion. We connect with old friends that way. We network for new jobs that way. We go shopping that way. Why can’t we find a mate that way? I think people are hesitant because the internet has gotten a reputation for being the place where people take great liberty in embellishing (okay, lying) about who they really are.

As part of my intense clinical research* for this article, I perused a number of W4M ads. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Your posts read like fairy tales in which all of you miraculously became thinner, younger, more successful, and better looking by the end. It took a bit of effort on my part, but I was able to read between the lines, and figure out what you were really trying to say.

• Says: “Looking to be spoiled.”
• Translation: “I’m okay with trading sex for a purse, and a few nice dinners.”

• Says: “Looking to take it slowly.”
• Translation: “You have a better chance of being drafted into the NFL than of seeing my vagina.”

• Says: “I’m looking for a real man.”
• Translation: “I’m fairly masculine so I need someone with a lot of testosterone.”

• Says: “I’m a very passionate person.”
• Translation: “If you break up with me I’ll key your car, and set your clothes on fire.”

• Says: “Seeking a long-term relationship.”
• Translation: “If you like this I’m going to expect you to put a ring on it.”

• Says: “I’m drama-free.”
• Translation: “I’m drama-filled.”

• Says: “People tell me I look like Megan Fox.”
• Translation: “I actually look like Jeff Foxworthy.”

• Says: “I’m opinionated, and love to speak my mind.”
• Translation: “I’m bitchy.”

• Says: “I enjoy the finer things in life.”
• Translation: “I’m a gold digger.”

• Says: “I take pride in the way I look, and take care of myself.”
• Translation: “It takes a minimum of 3 hours for me to get ready each morning.”

• Says: “I know what I want in life.”
• Translation: “You’ll never be able to make me happy.”

• Says: “I’m a cat lover!”
• Translation: “99% of the time I’m covered in fur…oh, and I’m batshit crazy.”

• Says: “Looking for someone driven and successful.”
• Translation: “Looking for someone who has money, and won’t mind me spending it.”

• Says: “Mid-40’s, but looks mid-30’s.”
• Translation: “Mid-40’s, and looks mid-40’s.”

• Says: “I’m a tomboy.”
• Translation: “I let my armpit hair grow out, and spend most of my time in oversized basketball shorts.”

• Says: “I just want to find a normal guy.”
• Translation: “The moment you start treating me respectfully I’ll leave you for a headcase with a sleeve tattoo and Trans Am.”

• Says: “I’m a great communicator.”
• Translation: “I talk nonstop.”

• Says: “I’m curvy in all the right places.”
• Translation: “I’m curvy in all the wrong places.”

If I was to write an ad it would read something like: “You: A man. Penis required. Breathing required. Doesn’t like to hit girls. Has all (okay, most) of his teeth. Can’t have breath which smells like hot garbage. Me: Pale, fights an uphill battle with chin hair during her monthly cycle. Short, kind of stumpy. Snores on occasion. Looks best in pitch black lighting.”

Okay, so maybe being brutally honest isn’t the best idea either.

This isn’t about making anybody feel badly about themselves; rather, this is about asking people to be a little more honest. I understand about not wanting to turn people off (please reference my ad above) but if you’re going to find a partner, someone you’re truly compatible with, you’re going to have to stop fudging the truth to the point of lying. Because if you say you look like a model, but show up with a hump on your back, and hair on your chin, they’re going to notice. Just ask my boyfriend.

* “Intense clinical research” is defined as reading W4M ads on Craigslist while watching “Law & Order: SVU” and consuming copious amounts of Hot Cheetos.