Tag Archives: psycho toddlers

A Straight Shot to the Babymaker

10 Aug

Credit: Kent Marshall

I don’t have any children, and I don’t know that they’re really in the cards for me. A long time ago I decided that parenting seemed like too much effort; in recent years, I’ve realized I can barely take care of myself, let alone another person. I have enough trouble assembling Ikea furniture so imagine how I feel about putting together a human from scratch.

I don’t receive pressure from family or friends as one would expect; no, I receive pressure from casual acquaintances and strangers. If I have to hear what a “special gift” parenting is from some random person one more time, I’m going to rip out my fallopian tubes and strangle them with it. I don’t consider being saddled with a lifelong commitment to someone who will take more than they give a special gift. If I wanted that, I’d get back together with my ex-boyfriend.

Let’s assume I could guarantee that I’d have awesome kids: they could throw lightning bolts, bring me snacks using only the power of their minds, and clean up after themselves without being asked. I still wouldn’t want them. Why? Well, I’m afraid of becoming one of those parents.

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