The NEW New Year’s Resolutions

1 Jan

Credit: Forever Alone Comics

Today is the first day of the year, and you know what that means: everyone is starting their resolutions! My Facebook timeline has been filled with friends promising to work out more, travel abroad, think more positively, find new jobs and other fairly typical aspirations for this time of the year.

BORING. It’s not that I dislike these resolutions, but can’t we mix it up a bit? Wanting to plant a garden? That’s so 2010. Learning another language? Don’t even get me started. Want to yell at your kids less? Let’s face it, we all wish you yelled at them more.

This is why I’ve taken the liberty of writing new New Year’s Resolutions, the ones I hope people actually stick to this year.

“I’m going to stop taking pictures of my feet and posting them on Facebook.”

We all have one or two Facebook friends who take pictures of their feet: at the beach, with their legs propped up on a table/bed/small child, when they’re standing with friends in a circle and someone takes a picture from above. Look, I’m sure you feel as though the $25 you dropped to get a pedicure was well worth it, and you want to show the world how smokin’ hot your feet are. I don’t care how hard that woman worked with a pumice stone to get all of your nasty foot crusties off, nobody wants to see your bulbous toes while they’re munching on Bugles and lightly stalking their closest friends. Until your foot starts looking like Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper’s lovechild, you need to keep your foot fetish to yourself.

“I’m going to work less.”

So many people I know have a resolution to find jobs (or get promoted) which would require longer hours, less time with friends and family, and fewer hours of sleep. Why? Is becoming “Vice President and Global Director of Data Management, Paper Signing and Butterfinger Eating” really that desirable? Six months into your cushy new job you’ll be stressing about whether or not your boss will find out you’re really just a glorified paper pusher with an inflated job title. SOUNDS FUN TO ME. The windfall from a promotion is fun at first, but you can’t take that cash with you as you put yourself into an early grave.

“I’m going to spend less time with my family.”

Now I know I just said that one of the downsides of working more was that you wouldn’t get to spend as much time with loved ones, but what about those people whose families seriously suck? New Year’s is that special time when everyone seems to forget that their mother once shot them in the leg after a particularly heated game of Dance Dance Revolution, or how their brother stole money so he could buy an Xbox for his Methed out girlfriend.  Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean people will wake up and suddenly think, “You know what? It wasn’t cool that I tried to run her over with my car because she drank the last Pepsi.”  Go take a yoga class, build a birdhouse or anything else that won’t require you to immerse yourself in situations similar to those you’d find at a Lohan family reunion.

“I’m going to accept that my parents lied when they said I could do anything I wanted when I grew up.”

There’s a generation of parents who read too many touchy-feely hippie books before their kids were born which encouraged unconditional support of whatever life path their spawns chose. I’m here to tell you that those books (and your parents) were wrong, and we’re not all destined to do the things we want in life. You won’t become a singer because you’re tone deaf. You won’t become a chef because we’d all rather eat turds than your “famous” Macaroni n’ Cheese. You won’t be a Senator because you don’t want to rip off the public and sleep with barely legal interns. I’m not saying you can’t do great things, but at some point (preferably before you’re 45 and forced to live with your parents while you chase your pipe dream) you need to accept that you have a better chance of being eaten by a Kraken than you do of meeting your lofty goals.

“I’m not going to worry about my weight.”

I can already think of a couple of people who are going to scream, “Jen, how can you encourage people in the fattest nation in the world to not worry about their weight!?” Have a Snickers bar and calm the hell down. I’m not saying people shouldn’t strive to be in good physical condition, but what did worrying about it ever accomplish? Guilt? Self-loathing? Insecurity? Depression? Oh yeah, those sound like great things to strive for in the new year! I think people should eat healthy 80% of the time, work out 70% of the time, and stop beating themselves up 100% of the time. You are not just a number on a scale, and how good of a person you are is never determined by what the tag on your pants says. Just follow my recipe for success (patent pending) and you’ll be fine.

“I don’t have any resolutions. I’m pretty fucking awesome the way I am.”

BAM!

The funniest thing about resolutions has always been that we wait until the last day of the year to make them, and the first day of the year to start them. Why? There is no greater time to start on our paths to self-improvement than today. I think the pressure to “get it right” because of our perceived notion of needing to fix ourselves this time of year only sets us up for failure.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t make promises to ourselves because I think we absolutely should. I actually have my own laundry list of “to do” items for 2012 which I’ll share with you guys in a separate post. I’m just not going to sweat it if, by May, I haven’t met David Hasselhoff because I don’t believe in waiting until New Year’s to start over. I’ll go to bed, wake up the next day, and then try again.

I really do hope that no matter what you want to accomplish in 2012 you’re able to. If you want to quit smoking, I hope you do. If you want to learn how to juggle, I hope you do. If you want to train your cat to play the keyboard, I really hope you do. It’s only if you aspire to take more pictures of your feet that you and I are going to have a problem.

23 Responses to “The NEW New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Jen 02/16/2012 at 2:46 pm #

    I know I’m just catching up on reading you but this was great. I know it was great because I literally LOL’d. Love you the way you write!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/19/2012 at 9:13 pm #

      Thank you so much! Hope you’re taking an equally lazy approach to the new year 😉

  2. Just Rambling 01/25/2012 at 3:36 am #

    Haha, I loved reading this! It’s so true! Of course I agree with the pictures of feet on FB. It’s so unattractive. I do have issues though… In summer I automatically stare at people’s toes. Toes are weird things. Can’t help it. I don’t like it. But that’s what I do.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/25/2012 at 7:00 pm #

      It’s so funny that you say that because I sort of become obsessed with toes too. I know I shouldn’t stare at them, but my eyes have a mind of their own.

  3. Aurora, HSP 01/20/2012 at 7:05 pm #

    This is freaking funny, Jen 🙂 Thanks for the riotous read! Following you now.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/20/2012 at 8:49 pm #

      Thanks for your comment, and for the follow! Glad you enjoyed the insanity 😉

      Love your blog name!

  4. Viciously Sweet 01/18/2012 at 4:25 pm #

    I know I’m like a 16 days late on this post. But I totally have a problem with the new years resolution. Why is it people only want to improve themselves because of the end of the year? Is it because of Dick Clark?
    Also down with feet and shoe photos! If only I could start a revolt against them…

    • Jen and Tonic 01/19/2012 at 9:28 am #

      I’m about 16 days late on getting a new post out so it’s all good.

      I think Dick Clark has magical powers…he makes people want to DO stuff. Also, I’m more than happy to start a revolution against those who post feet and shoe photos. We’ll hold our first meeting at a Sizzler.

      By the way, REALLY funny blog!

  5. Lafemmeroar 01/15/2012 at 1:01 pm #

    The best to you this year. As for me my goal is to keep writing and keep up the productivity.

  6. Paul Chapman 01/12/2012 at 3:59 pm #

    What a breath of fresh air! I’ve had the same resolutions now for about the past 15 years- and I’ve not fulfilled a single one of them. This is the first time that I’ve not given active consideration to what I’ll do this year, other than see what happens and take it from there.
    P.S. Louis CK is one of my favourite comedians. I paid a small fortune to have one of his cd’s shipped here a few years back.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/13/2012 at 11:35 am #

      I love that attitude! I think if you let the universe guide you, you’ll always end up exactly where you’re supposed to be. You are doing such great things as of recently so I have no doubt 2012 is going to be a phenomenal year for you. GOOD LUCK on your exams. I’m crossing my fingers all the way over here on the other side of the pond!

  7. miriam 01/03/2012 at 4:00 am #

    “I’m going to accept that my parents lied when they said I could do anything I wanted when I grew up.”

    ABSOLUTELY. We had a professor in college who basically said the same thing, except in terms of society; ie you may THINK you can be a ballerina, (because the “American Dream” says you can) but really, only about 0.0009% of the population are physically capable. So, in other words, don’t bother. But thanks to crap like American Idol, people are now being reinforced with the idea that they can do whatever they want…and they’re entitled to this profession. It’s not the case. All you can do is the best you can with the time you have, and try to make sure you’re a healthy, happy, productive member of society. And through your work, eventually you find a way to do and be what you want.
    Phew.
    Love this post – looking forward to reading many more in 2012 – – Happy New Year, again!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/05/2012 at 3:50 pm #

      YES! I hate on those shows when the parents are like, “She just has so much natural talent.” I didn’t realize the sounds of cats being crushed by steam rollers suddenly counted as being gifted.

      I think if we all play to our strengths the world would be a better place.

      I loved your resolutions too!

  8. cher 01/01/2012 at 10:47 pm #

    Okay Jen, several of these hit home for me, but the one that made me sit up and yell YES! in my office was, “I’m going to spend less time with my family.” Not my family, but my in-laws from the darkest part of the earth. Brother-in-laws are great. It’s the women they married that bite! To top it all off, I have to go to Florida this month to spend time with all of them. A vacation it is not! I have resolved that if my husband wants to see these people next year, they can come to MY turf and I will have huge plans for their…great time. If you get a distress signal from me in the next several weeks, please answer. I may need bail. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 01/02/2012 at 5:10 pm #

      Had I known you were visiting the “interesting” side of the family, I would have sent you a survival kit: two-way radio, aspirin, ear plugs, a tranquilizer gun and a huge bottle of bourbon.

      Good luck on your early year adventure 😉

  9. Count Sneakyl 01/01/2012 at 6:07 pm #

    Bravissimo! These are the type of resolutions that drive perpetual optimists and other delusion- sharing citizens of the realm nuts. Excellent and very funny post. Personally,
    I have resolved to wear ill-fitting shoes so I don’t have to stay on my feet so long everyday; to remember that I too am mortal as I breathe deeply twice a day; to take seriously the Roswell Incident; and to learn to say a few dirty phrases in Norwegian. My best.

    • Jen and Tonic 01/02/2012 at 5:08 pm #

      Once you learn all those dirty phrases, will you teach me what you know? My goal this year was to seduce as many Norwegian men as possible so I think this could really help me out.

  10. Main Street Musings Blog 01/01/2012 at 4:56 pm #

    I wanted to wake up without a New Year’s hangover and I did! So far so good!

    • Jen and Tonic 01/02/2012 at 5:06 pm #

      Wow! Talk about defying the odds. You’ve already accomplished what most people couldn’t.

  11. TJLubrano 01/01/2012 at 3:00 pm #

    Woohooooo! I couldn’t agree more with this “There is no greater time to start on our paths to self-improvement than today.”

    I guess it’s a form of procrastination if you wait till the start of a new year to work on your goals. If you’re really determined to do something, you just have to start taking action as soon as you can. But the start of a new year does bring its own form of freshness and new motivation haha. Also, I’m with you on the feet pictures. No thank you.

    Awesome post, Jen. Happy New Year and may it be totally awesome. Now I can cross ‘getting married before the world ends’ of my list! 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 01/02/2012 at 5:05 pm #

      You don’t like feet pictures either? Our love just grows deeper everyday, doesn’t it?

      I liked what you said about putting off resolutions as being a form of procrastination– you’re right! If the world ended in June, and we were waiting for December to roll around before we started becoming better people…well, we never would have gotten the opportunity.

      Best to you in 2012!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Very Tonic New Year « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 01/05/2013

    […] I realize I’m a jerk for making fun of resolutions, and then going and making 17 of them.  Maybe one of my resolutions should be to stop being […]

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