Hello, Hooked on Tonics.
What an amazingly catchy intro that was! I’ve been sitting on that gem all these months while I’ve been away. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I see a major book deal in my future.
I’ve received thousands hundreds a few questions during my absence from WordPress about where I’ve been, how my battle with body hair is going, and which browser I chose in the Bing it On challenge. I’m using this post as a means of addressing all ten of my readers at the same time because I believe in efficiency, and want to use my saved time to watch reruns of Cop Rock on Netflix.
Where have you been?
I’ve been working on the beginning of what I think will be a very solid cat collection. Sure, my pants are always covered in fur, but I’ll eventually have enough cat hair to knit a kerchief I can cry into at night. As I type, Cat Stevens is proudly showing me his butthole while he walks all over my keyboard.
Have you been writing even though you weren’t blogging?
I wrote the most beautiful haiku on a napkin while taking a dump in a Starbucks bathroom. I was going to save it for my book, but here you go:
Oh, decaf coffee
I pay homage on this throne
I moved my bowels
Speaking of your book, are you still working on it?
Yes! It is tentatively titled Lord of the Pies: A Story About a Woman Who Seriously Loves Pie and will be a picture book of me eating various pies. The New York Times has already said that this book would “make a great prop for a wobbly coffee table.”
I’ve missed you.
Missed you more.
Will you ever blog regularly?
The only thing you can ever count on is that I’ll ruin a white shirt in less than 10 minutes with a food stain.
What’s the real reason you’ve been away?
Calgon took me away.
And that concludes the Q&A portion of this blog post.
I can’t promise you anything other than I have no intention of permanently closing up Sips of Jen and Tonic at this time. I do have plans to start another blog which will be much different than this one, and will be working on that in the upcoming months. It’ll be Bear Grylls meets Martha Stewart meets a coked out Coachella attendee.
Thank you to everyone who checked in on me, and sent me lewd pictures via email. You know the way to this girl’s heart.