Return of the Jeni

13 Aug

Hello, Hooked on Tonics.

What an amazingly catchy intro that was! I’ve been sitting on that gem all these months while I’ve been away. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I see a major book deal in my future.

I’ve received thousands hundreds a few questions during my absence from WordPress about where I’ve been, how my battle with body hair is going, and which browser I chose in the Bing it On challenge. I’m using this post as a means of addressing all ten of my readers at the same time because I believe in efficiency, and want to use my saved time to watch reruns of Cop Rock on Netflix.

Where have you been?

I’ve been working on the beginning of what I think will be a very solid cat collection. Sure, my pants are always covered in fur, but I’ll eventually have enough cat hair to knit a kerchief I can cry into at night. As I type, Cat Stevens is proudly showing me his butthole while he walks all over my keyboard.

Have you been writing even though you weren’t blogging?

I wrote the most beautiful haiku on a napkin while taking a dump in a Starbucks bathroom. I was going to save it for my book, but here you go:

Oh, decaf coffee

I pay homage on this throne

I moved my bowels

Speaking of your book, are you still working on it?

Yes! It is tentatively titled Lord of the Pies: A Story About a Woman Who Seriously Loves Pie and will be a picture book of me eating various pies. The New York Times has already said that this book would “make a great prop for a wobbly coffee table.”

 I’ve missed you.

Missed you  more.

Will you ever blog regularly?

The only thing you can ever count on is that I’ll ruin a white shirt in less than 10 minutes with a food stain.

What’s the real reason you’ve been away?

Calgon took me away.

And that concludes the Q&A portion of this blog post.

I can’t promise you anything other than I have no intention of permanently closing up Sips of Jen and Tonic at this time. I do have plans to start another blog which will be much different than this one, and will be working on that in the upcoming months. It’ll be Bear Grylls meets Martha Stewart meets a coked out Coachella attendee.

Thank you to everyone who checked in on me, and sent me lewd pictures via email. You know the way to this girl’s heart.

74 Responses to “Return of the Jeni”

  1. mabukach 08/19/2014 at 9:52 am #

    Looking forward to your Amphetamine Grizzly Cupcake blog. Glad you’re back!

    • Jen and Tonic 08/19/2014 at 2:25 pm #

      I’m glad I’m back too, mostly because you all obviously missed me and it feeds my blatant narcissism.

  2. Burns the Fire 08/18/2014 at 8:35 am #

    Breaks are good and so are you.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/19/2014 at 2:24 pm #

      I’m going to say that to myself each morning in the mirror.

  3. speaker7 08/16/2014 at 2:58 pm #

    I’m very happy you’re back but even moreso to now learn of Cop Rock’s existence. How did I not know of this wondrous show?!? This means now I’ll be blogging even less as I spend my hours in front of the TV.

  4. michellestodden 08/16/2014 at 11:37 am #

    Do you have a photographer in mind for your pie book? I’ll be happy to grab Maya’s nifty, hot pink Fisher Price camera and we can make a weekend project of it. The photos will be dark and blurry, but we’ll call them “sensual.”

    • Jen and Tonic 08/19/2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Saying that my book contains “sensual photographs of my pie” taken by a 4-year-old is sure to generate some buzz.

  5. Nicole Marie 08/15/2014 at 10:42 am #

    I love you.

    My cat always proudly presents her butthole to me, too!

    • Jen and Tonic 08/15/2014 at 11:50 am #

      Personally, I think my eyes are my best feature and prefer to show those off, but who am I to tell a cat what to flaunt?

  6. calahan 08/14/2014 at 3:46 pm #

    Glad you’re back, Jen! I knew you weren’t dead because I hacked your computer and made myself your beneficiary. No check = Jen’s still alive. I’m torn.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/15/2014 at 9:35 am #

      When I do die, you’ll have so much fun spending my $12.37 insurance policy.

      • calahan 08/15/2014 at 10:35 am #

        You think I don’t know that? That’s, like, twelve lottery tickets and a stale gum ball. Woo hoo!

  7. anawnimiss 08/14/2014 at 5:09 am #

    Aaaaand she’s back! With a haiku, no less. Loved it. *hic*

  8. She's a Maineiac 08/14/2014 at 4:29 am #

    (wiping tears from my eyes) That haiku was just beautiful.

    And welcome back! Go Jeni! Go Jeni! Woot woot! (doing cabbage patch dance)

    • Jen and Tonic 08/14/2014 at 9:06 am #

      I’m doing the Running Man right now, and I look even stupider than I did in 1994.

  9. Paul Chapman 08/13/2014 at 7:42 pm #

    So great to have you back Jen. Looking forward to catching up as soon as the chance affords. Also, a follow up book if you don’t mind. “Jen and Tonic’s Little Book of Shithouse Haiku’s.”

    • Jen and Tonic 08/14/2014 at 9:05 am #

      YES! We definitely need catch up soon. And I love the idea of having shithouse haikus. A name that really rolls off your tongue.

  10. Bill Friday 08/13/2014 at 3:34 pm #

    (comments stolen form Facebook)

    Cats… pies… bowel movements… oh, and good ole fashioned sexcapades. All that’s missing is that time when you and Stevie Nicks kidnapped David Hasselhoff from the red carpet at the premier of Dustin Diamond’s most recent straight to DVD film.

    Oh well… NEXT time.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 3:59 pm #

      (comments stolen from Facebook)

      You forgot The Golden Girls. COME ON, FRIDAY.

  11. herschelian 08/13/2014 at 2:20 pm #

    OK – I get it, but I’m holding you to this “I have no intention of permanently closing up Sips of Jen and Tonic at this time.” because you are a really good, funny,writer with a very individual voice, and it would be a crime if you didn’t use it. You have been warned, your fans (me and lots of others) will be after you…..

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 4:01 pm #

      Thank you so much, hersch. I might actually close up shop just because I want all of you sexy people chasing after me.

  12. MamaMickTerry 08/13/2014 at 1:58 pm #

    My heart skipped a beat when I saw your post in the feeder…then, I checked my eyes to make sure I had contacts in.
    It’s you, it’s really you!!
    Welcome back! I truly have missed your wit, humor and toilet haiku.
    Michelle

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 4:03 pm #

      Your eyes do not deceive you, MMT! I promise I’ll always think of you as I write haikus on the crapper.

  13. silkpurseproductions 08/13/2014 at 1:08 pm #

    Glad to see you Jen. You are definitely a tonic for those of us who missed you.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 4:04 pm #

      I’m glad to see all of you! I’m surprised at the amount of people showing up. I thought for sure I was yesterday’s news by now.

  14. Melanie 08/13/2014 at 11:59 am #

    I’ve given up on white shirts. Now whenever I get the urge to buy one, I just try to imagine it torn up into dust rags to decide if it’s worth the money.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 12:13 pm #

      THANK YOU. I would pay a lot of money for a white shirt that doesn’t stain.

      • Melanie 08/13/2014 at 12:18 pm #

        And not just wash out, but like RainX for clothes-food (and/or coffee) just rolls right off.

  15. John W. Howell 08/13/2014 at 11:53 am #

    Good to have you back. I just started following you and poof. Hummmm you think there was a connection? Hello. Anybody there?

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 12:13 pm #

      I buckled under the pressure of having you on Team Tonic.

  16. prettytrippy 08/13/2014 at 10:51 am #

    Oh, how I’ve missed thee! I almost sent a search party, but the regular Instagram picture proof of life held me back (you’re welcome). Thank goodness I’ve had Aussa Lorens to read otherwise I may have died. Did NaBloPoMo do you in? I nearly hug my hat after (attempting) to blog every week day in July.

    Anyways, WELCOME BACK!

    Also, love the ^50 shades^ reenactment sessions. Obviously, that’s taken up your time. We totally understand.

    GIllian:)

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 4:07 pm #

      Instagram is how the Feds also use to track me! And isn’t Aussa great? I don’t know how she always churns out so much good stuff.

      NaBloPoMo drained me, but really, it was just a lot of stuff going on in my life that kept me away. I needed a mental health break from blogging, and I’m really happy I did that for myself.

      Good to see you 🙂

  17. thefoodandwinehedonist 08/13/2014 at 9:16 am #

    If only I knew u email address…

  18. dougkzeigler 08/13/2014 at 8:57 am #

    Pie…mmmm, pie. Sweet, sweet, pie. Still can’t compare to a good scotch, but it’ll do in a pinch. Unless it’s scotch pie. If there is such a thing, I may die upon foisting it to my lips.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 9:22 am #

      Scotch pie, bourbon pie, beer pie, Zima pie….wait, what am I saying?

      • Soul Walker 08/13/2014 at 10:29 am #

        Scotch and bourbon pies sound potentially delicious…

        • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 10:31 am #

          I support you whipping one up, and then letting me eat it.

  19. daniheart21 08/13/2014 at 8:47 am #

    Jen, I am just glad you wrote something… anything. I missed your humor, but I look forward to your fresh new blog. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 9:22 am #

      I am happy to be back, and I assure you, there is still plenty of material left for this ‘ol blog in the future.

  20. Elyse 08/13/2014 at 8:45 am #

    Damn, I love pie.

  21. La La 08/13/2014 at 8:41 am #

    Yay! I’m glad you’re back too. 😀

  22. philosophermouseofthehedge 08/13/2014 at 8:09 am #

    Catatonic…they got you. Love your “real reason” so true.

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 8:10 am #

      “Cata-Tonic” should DEFINITELY be my new nickname. And hey, I believe in being honest with you guys. I’m glad that I’m not alone 😉

  23. JWo 08/13/2014 at 8:07 am #

    I thought of you the other day… when I farted while getting my mail.

    It was awesome, but it just wasn’t the same as you ripping as in front of a stranger. 😦

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 8:11 am #

      I find it so endearing that every time you expel ass dust you think of me. Does your wife know you talk so romantically to other women on the internet?

      • JWo 08/19/2014 at 7:38 am #

        I don’t think of you EVERY time, that’d just be weird.

        Thoughts of Jen are only when I’m expelling at the mailbox. 🙂

        She’s OK with it, because as you can tell I’ve got GREAT game. HAHAHAHA…

  24. Vanessa-Jane Chapman 08/13/2014 at 8:02 am #

    Oh THERE you are. Pies are good. That’s all I have to say right now.

  25. suzie81speaks 08/13/2014 at 8:00 am #

    Great to see you back!

    • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 8:12 am #

      It actually feels great to be back! Can’t wait to see what everyone has been up to while I’ve been away.

      • suzie81speaks 08/13/2014 at 8:31 am #

        It seems like lots of my favourite bloggers have been away for ages…

        • Jen and Tonic 08/13/2014 at 8:38 am #

          Burnout, life getting in the way, rehab, busy reenacting 50 Shades of Grey…you know, the usual.

          • jdanryan 08/13/2014 at 6:16 pm #

            Funny, both of us coming (back) at the same time; people might talk…

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