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12 Days of Christmas- Day 11

I honestly cannot believe I only have this post and the one for tomorrow, and then the 12 Days of Christmas series is over. I should be flying high! My creative juices should be spilling over! I should be spinning plates on my fingers, toes and nose simultaneously. The closest I’ve gotten to that tonight is when I burped and hiccuped at the same time.

Instead, I’m left with nothing.

Our male pattern baldness is eerily similar
(Credit: peanuts.wikia.com)

This is how tonight has gone: Continue reading →

Tags: 12 days of christmas, CALL ME MAYBE, humor, I have male pattern baldness, I love the golden girls, is that a serial killer at my window, my underboob is sweaty, procrastination, where the hell did this M&M come from, writer's block, writing

Comments 45 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas- Day 10

19 Dec

I’ve come to accept that there are things in life I can’t control:

Death
People actin’ a fool towards me
Weather
MTV playing reruns of the MTV Movie Awards for 6 straight months after it airs
My bladder

56dc47cb78c4553a087f95ce8bb5b35b73

While driving today, I came up with a great concept for today’s blog. I was going to talk about my family, love, friendship and all that other crap you’re supposed to be thankful for around the holidays. I was going to win awards with this post. The Nobel Prize committee might as well have been polishing my medal (they give medals, right?) Continue reading →

Tags: discovery channel, ginuiwine pony, humor, I wear adult diapers, jungle book sex, neighbors having loud sex, nobel prize, studio 54, take that phone call during sex and I'll give you a DIY vasectomy

Comments 97 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding, Relationships

12 Days of Christmas- Day 9

18 Dec

My name is Jen, and I’m an addict. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment my habit made the leap from recreational use to full-blown addiction. Maybe it was the time I sat in my car during my lunch hour, participating in my new hobby. It could have been the time I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning partaking in it even though I knew I had to get up early the next day. How does one define these kinds of moments?

My name is Jen, and I’m addicted to internet memes.

I am ashamed, dear readers, because I should have been writing a post for you tonight. I come up with the concept to deliver twelve posts in a row to show my holiday spirit, and now I can’t deliver. Instead of typing feverishly, I’ve been pissing away my night looking at things like this:

88735055128250460_GX9hyLmm_c Continue reading →

Tags: cocaine bear, grumpy cat, humor, I waste a lot of time, internet meme, my parents must be so proud that this is what my life has amounted to, someecards, wtf is up with gary busey's teeth, you listen to a band with jugs in it so screw you, you remind me of my big toe

Comments 45 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas- Day 8

17 Dec

Every year when Christmas approaches, I get really excited. Because of Baby Jesus? No. Because of all the presents I’m going to receive? No. Because of the paid day off from work? Nope. My panties get electrified because of the salmonella-laden drink we call Eggnog.

I have a love-hate relationship with The ‘Nog. When I first see this holiday treat decorating the dairy section, I do a little happy dance right in the middle of the aisle. It looks like a cross between the Harlem Shake and the Cabbage Patch. Basically, shit gets crazy at Safeway.

You too can do "The Eggnog" in your local grocery store. (credit: Polycore)

You too can do “The Eggnog” in your local grocery store (credit: Polyvore)

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm causes me to lose my ability to judge how much eggnog I can drink before I want to die. I always go for the big carton, have a couple of glasses, and then regret my decision to purchase so much ~~buttermilk~~ ~~liquid butter~~ of the raw egg concoction. Continue reading →

Tags: braveheart is an eggnog drinking badass, cabbage patch, christmas, eggnog, harlem shake, humor, I dance like I have ants in my pants, I'm the queen of the world, pelvic hip thrust, regretting my life choices

Comments 76 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas- Day 7

16 Dec

I’m a sucker for Christmas traditions. Some people string popcorn and hang it on their tree. Some people sing Christmas carols. Some people attend midnight mass. I have fond memories of these lovely Tonic Family traditions:

Cussing up a storm as we try to figure out which bulb is causing the whole strand to blackout
Having tree sap stuck to my skin and hair for days after helping get the tree in the base
Waking up at ungodly hours because a tiny person in the house wants to get up before the sun does to open presents
My parents arguing because my dad forgot to charge the camcorder battery for the 900th year in a row
Feeling bloated and praying for a swift death after consuming too many sweets

Christmas 2009. This is me right before I “gave birth” to the cheesecake, rum balls and fudge I ate earlier in the day.

Continue reading →

Tags: christmas, christmas pickle, holiday traditions, humor, I'm pregnant with a food baby, it's awkward when your dad says he's gonna hide the pickle, jen and tonic, tree sap stuck to my hands for weeks

Comments 74 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, All About Me, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas- Day 5

14 Dec

One of the great things about being a kid is that you can ask for the most ridiculous crap for Christmas. You have no problems writing down that you’d like a laser gun, a pack of Big League Chew and a new baby brother. My list used to look something like this:

Dear Santa,

I’d like to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Christmas. I’d also like a puppy. Can you give me bigger boobs? Bigger than the ones that jerk Jillian has. Oh, and some of those shoes that turn into skates because I don’t look like a big enough asshole normally.

Thanks,

Jen

As you get older, and the suckage of adulthood sets in, you start asking for more practical gifts. Now, my list looks something like this:

Dear Mom & Dad,

I need a new set of dishes and silverware. I also just ran out of my hair serum and face lotion. It’s getting pretty cold here so some winter socks would be nice. I also need towels and meatballs so a gift certificate to Ikea is handy. If all else fails, cash is good. That way I can pay off the loan shark who is threatening to bust my knee caps.

Thanks,

Jen

I can get that new Flippenflappen couch I’ve had my eye on

Continue reading →

Tags: beardo, christmas, humor, ikea, ninja cookie cutters, ninja turtle beanie, presents, rawr I'm a dinosaur, this unicorn mask makes me so badass, those skate shoes make you look like an asshole, vinderalls, wine rack bra

Comments 58 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas- Day 3

12 Dec

I thought Day 1 of this series was great, but Day 2 was even better! All of you brought your ‘A’ game, and I saw a lot of really cool videos for the first time. If I could, I’d buy each of you a drink, and then yawn and put my arm around you. Let’s face it, you want that too.

Moving on to Day 3…

I look a good challenge. I tried to get David Hasselhoff to tweet me back when Le Clown issued this Twitter challenge on his blog. I created and completed NaNoWriNO. I once outdrank a Russian gymnast in an effort to win $20 bucks and a blackened liver.

I recently read a post David Harding put up about his P izzaBoxDrawcember contest, and knew I had to enter. You need to click that little link to read the full story, but let me summarize the rules here:

Order a pizza
Ask the pizza making wizards to draw a gorilla throwing dice on the pizza box (other drawings acceptable, but I tried to keep with the original theme)
Leave the fate of your drawing in the hands of a pizza pusher

I like pizza. I like gorillas. I like David. I like winning. NO BRAINER. Continue reading →

Tags: contest, david harding, garlic jim's, giveaway, gorillas throwing dice, humor, Oregon, pizza, pizzaboxdrawcember, Portland

Comments 80 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Challenges, Do Gooding

12 Days of Christmas – Day 1

10 Dec

Some of you may not know this, but I am quite the crafty little devil. I am a huge DIY (do it yourself) junkie, and I love upcycling things I find at thrift shops or garage sales. I always had tons of creative ideas floating around in my head, but it has only been in the last few years that I’ve acted on them.

Some of my projects include:

Chalkboard coffee table

Liquor glass candle holders

Taj Mahal

I tried to make a lot of my Christmas gifts this year. I’ve got a clutch, a vase, picture collages and a few others things in the works. I prefer giving personalized gifts because I think it really conveys how much I want my presents to be better than everyone else’s. Continue reading →

Tags: 12 days of christmas, contest, david hasselhoff, diy, freshly pressed, giveaway, humor, phonics by tonic, three wolf moon

Comments 110 Comments
Categories 12 Days of Christmas, Do Gooding

Caffeine and Christmas Cards

6 Dec

I wanted to publish this post yesterday, but couldn’t because of a monkey on my back. Not an actual monkey as they can be volatile and rip your face off without warning. Let me take you back in time so I can explain…

Caffeine and I have had a tempestuous relationship. Growing up, I thought coffee tasted like chalk. My mom and her relatives would sit around the table while the kids came around like waiters, bringing them their liquid crack. When I wasn’t acting like a slave, I was sneaking little tastes here and there. I vowed never to drink it.

Photo by Julius Schorzman

Then college happened. It was the late 90’s. It was Seattle. It was cold. I was tired. Starbucks stores were on every single corner. I was like one of those vulnerable people who fell into a cult, only I was worshiping baristas. Continue reading →

Tags: ALL CAPS RAGE, caffeine addiction, christmas, christmas card, drug dealing bear, hooked on tonics, humor, jerkasaurus rex, ketamine, my mom treated me like a coffee slave, WTF is up with Justin Timberlake's pube head?

Comments 109 Comments
Categories All About Me, Hooked on Tonic

Party On

28 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 28

Topic: Rocking a party until the early light

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I was a pretty big partier back in the day. I used to enjoy frequenting soirees so crowded that you couldn’t tell where your body parts ended, and someone else’s began. Going to a bar and destroying my liver by consuming every alcohol the establishment stocked was a weekly habit for me. I’d stay up until the sun began poking its head out, take a power nap, and then go work a full day. (Fun Jen fact: I’ve never been hungover)

Every good partier knows that you need an arsenal of supplies to make it through the night. Some people choose to carry condoms because they’re looking to score. Others choose to keep snacks on hand to avoid the dreaded dip in blood sugar. I chose to carry a more colorful array of items.

Deodorant. I don’t know where I read this (most likely Ladies Home Journal or Highlights since those were the only two publications I was reading at the time) but a magazine claimed putting deodorant on your face would prevent perspiration. As a person who sweats simply at the thought of sweating, I was excited about this. I’d be able to dance without the fear of the strobe light hitting my face, and causing onlookers to wonder if I had just finished running a marathon. Not only did it not prevent me from sweating, but it broke me out, and people kept asking me why I smelled like an armpit.