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Gender Bending

7 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 7

Topic: All women are a bit lesbian

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I must admit, I was a bit surprised by how many of you requested that I write about this topic. I threw it out as a joke, and didn’t think anyone would actually want to read about it. Little did I know that my audience was largely made up of lesbians, and people who appreciate them.

Great. A claim I hadn’t given real consideration to is now a claim I have to prove.

I initially wrote a couple of paragraphs about bisexuality in Bonobo monkeys. Then I wrote a paragraph about the feminist movement, and how it has impacted female sexuality. Then I wrote about that scene in “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards kissed in the pool. The post sounded like the weird ramblings of an undersexed teenage boy.

In these types of situations, you need to ask yourself what Jack McCoy would do. He would build a case around the evidence, and let it speak for itself. I present to you:

Exhibit A

We are always checking each other out. “Your boobs look great in that shirt!” “I would kill to have a body like hers.” “She has such a great butt, it’s so unfair.” You will never hear a guy say, “Man, I wish I had testicles like that guy.”

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Mating Call: Men

6 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 6

Topic: Dating – part deux

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Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.

I’m sure none all of you are wondering how to land a hot mess lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.

Drunkin’ Donuts

Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.

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Open Letter: Female GOP Supporters

4 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 4

Topic: Open letter to the GOP

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Female GOP Supporters:

As you know, elections are right around the corner, and propaganda information from both parties has been spreading like wildfire for the past several months. As we close in on November 6th, I can’t help but think about those of you ladies who will be going to the polls and placing a mark next to Romney’s name. As someone who considers herself moderately conservative, I can appreciate wanting to elect someone who can actually make change happen rather than use it as a buzzword to slap on a bumper sticker.

However, I’m just not sure how any woman could choose to vote Republican in this election. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of President Obama serving another four years doesn’t exactly get me super excited, but I find the alternative to be much worse. “But Jen, as a moderate conservative, don’t you want someone who sits on the same side of the fence you’re on?” No, and let me tell you why. Continue reading →

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How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing: Continue reading →

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Poetic License

2 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 2

Topic: Poetry

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Do you have that one friend who loves to torture challenge you because they love laughing at you think they’re helping you become a better person? Bill Friday is that friend for me. I’ve known him for about a hundred years now, and I’m not really sure how our friendship has lasted this long. Let’s review:

  • He likes breaded meat. I prefer not to eat things that feel the need to go into the Witness Protection Program.
  • He watches horror films, and I get scared looking at my face without makeup on
  • He has children, and my uterus cries at the idea of me ever getting pregnant
  • He’s a fantastic poet, and I think a sonnet is something Quaker women wear on their heads

This is probably Bill’s handiwork

Knowing all of the above, it should come as no surprise that my good (and I use that word loosely) friend suggested poetry as one of the topics for NaNoWriNO. I love flexing my writing muscles, but I wasn’t prepared to pick this on the second day of the challenge.

There are three things I’m good at: arm wrestling the elderly, staining a brand new shirt, and never backing down from a dare. I’m especially good at that last one. Why else would I have a tattoo of Wilford Brimley saying “YOLO” emblazoned across my chest?

Instead of crying over pages of Pablo Neruda and Lord Byron, I decided to get creative. Poetry isn’t just mushy words over love lost; poetry is carefully placed wording with the intent to evoke a certain emotion. I used the skills I acquired during my time with Hallmark, and conjured up a line of Jen and Tonic greeting cards. Continue reading →

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Cruise Control Freak

1 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 1

Topic: Scientology and their medication-hating psychologist-at-large, Tom Cruise

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It’s no secret that I hate Tom Cruise. He’s a terrible actor, he marries robots, and his toothy grin looks like it would chew through your soul if given the opportunity. Worst of all, he’s in a cult a Scientologist. I’m no spiritual adviser, but the last time I checked, most religions didn’t require payment plans.

I honestly don’t care that he wants to be part of an organization that has as much validity as a Bernie Madoff investment plan. I think everyone has the right to choose, and if you choose to funnel money into a spaceship built to take you back to the Galactic Confederacy, who am I to judge?

It’s Mr. Cruise’s insistence on opening his mouth and spewing his arrogant, half-witted philosophies that causes me to reach John McEnroe levels of anger. This is a man who chose to star in Rock of Ages, and we’re supposed to listen to anything he says? I’ll take my chances and search for the meaning of life on my own, Tommy Boy.

This got me thinking, what if he had the opportunity to toss his ideas around with some of the greatest minds that ever lived? Would he actually hold his own? Worse, would they find validity in his assertions? I did a little research, and found “sound bites” from sit downs with people who actually knew something about something.

The Dalai Lama and Tom Cruise at The Olive Garden

Word on the street is Plato put Tom in a Full Nelson shortly after this

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