Hallmark My Words

18 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 18

Topic: Greeting cards – Part 2

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What do Charles Bukowski, E. E. Cummings, Langston Hughes and Jen and Tonic have in common? They are all amazing poets who have not only gifted the world with their words, but also with their incredibly sexy bodies.

My Poetic License post seemed to be a hit, and really showcased how versatile and talented and ridiculously funny I am as a writer. Who else could marry herpes and Slurpees in the form of a sympathy card? A GENIUS.

Ready for Round 2? I am.

For the happy husband on his wedding day

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Love Connection

17 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 17

Topic: Dating Shenanigans

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I’m a long-term relationship girl. I’m not commitment-minded in the least bit, but every few years someone comes along, and we somehow end up in a pretty serious relationship. It goes something like this: we meet, we’re friends, he tells me he loves me, we try dating, and then we’re heading to Ikea to pick out our new couch.

Still, I’ve been on actual dates. You know, the ones where you shave your legs for the first time in a month, and you eat a salad at dinner, and then you wait for him to call you? At least I think that’s how it goes. I wouldn’t know because I just wear jeans to hide my leg stubble, order a steak, and then never wait by the phone because I barely remembered I went on a date.

There was a period in my life when I went on so many “one date only” dates that it felt like being stuck in an episode of Love Connection.

Chuck Woolery, matchmaking badass

Let’s meet some of my potential suitors, shall we? Continue reading →

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Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses

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A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

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Tears of a Clown

15 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 15

Topic: Third Life Crisis

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This topic wasn’t suggested, but I thought I’d give myself a pass and write about it anyway. It’s something happening in my life, and is something I really need to get off my chest. Additionally, this is my blog and I’m a tyrant.

The truth is, I’ve been in some strange downward spiral over the last few months. Maybe it’s more of a sadness black hole I’m being sucked into. Whatever it is, I want so badly to get off this train to crazy town already.

It’s not one thing plaguing me. Some people can identify that it’s their job or relationship or financial situation. Mine is…everything. I suffer from anxiety, and have a history of depression. It’s mostly under control thanks to coping mechanisms I’ve acquired over the years, but it occasionally creeps up on me. It feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me, and then having a steamroller come by and run my ass over.

Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about everything. I’m sure I’m going to get laid-off at work. I’m sure my parents are disappointed in me. I’m sure I didn’t pay all of my bills on time. I’m sure I didn’t lock the front door. I once got out of bed at 4 in the morning and brushed my teeth twice because I had eaten candy earlier in the night, and was convinced my teeth would fall out overnight if I didn’t. Anxiety is the mistress you wish would stop calling your house. Continue reading →

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Elements Of The Periodic Table

14 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Topic: Menstrual Cycles

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“Are you on your period?” Never have five simple words gotten under a woman’s skin more, and caused a world of hurt for so many men. While some inquire with good intentions, others flippantly ask this whenever the woman in their life seems unhappy with something.

I believe that most guys aren’t callous and insensitive; rather, they’re ignorant to how unbelievably uncomfortable riding the crimson wave can be. They don’t understand the severity of the situation, and because of this, treat it as a joke. Well, I’m here to dispel any misconceptions they may have about what actually happens when Aunt Flo comes to town.

The Cramps

I really resent when a man says, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re exaggerating.” Challenge accepted, good sir. At the end of each month I am going to come to your house, and use your Vas Deferens as a swing set. Nonstop. Until you wish you were born a woman. I would only stop once you begged for Midol, a heating pad, and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping.

Continue reading →

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Dickorating

13 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

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I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal. Continue reading →

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Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions

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I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

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Occupational Hazards

11 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 11

Topic: What I do for a living

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Credit: ENDO Gun Blog

A few years back I had a job that was slowly sucking the life out of me. My boss was certifiably insane, I was pushing paper all day, and the buzzing of the fluorescent lights nearly drove me over the edge. My cubicle offered me a beautiful view of a dead plant, and sometimes I’d get to bask in the scent of Marlboro Reds and Jack Daniels from a coworker who would stop to unload his drama on the guy sitting in the space next to mine. There were days when tying a noose around my neck and ending it all seemed less painful than that place.

I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands and find another source of income. I didn’t have anything specific in mind, just something that would pay the bills and help me avoid feeling jazzed about a hanging death. Let me tell you, when you leave the range this wide open you’ll end up doing some messed up stuff.

My first encounter was an advertisement from a local university offering $500 to participate in a study. I called in, they asked me a few questions about my mental health history, and said they’d call me back. I received a call 10 minutes later. It’s never a good sign when a place that just asked you questions about your mental stability is anxious to call you back. Continue reading →

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The Golden Homegirls

10 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?

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It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.

Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.

When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”

I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.

Round 1: Blanche Devaraux

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Reblog: Hi I’m David The site’s Author & A blogger may have been tortured to death in an Iranian jail

9 Nov

David, aka Mr. Mary, reminds us all of what a privilege it is to be a blogger. Here in the US we can express ourselves freely with the greatest backlash being negative feedback from an internet troll. There are people losing their lives over the words they speak (or type) and we should be grateful we can do that without worry.

mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins's avatarASpoonfulofSuga

Hi Everyone,

My name is David and I’m the guy who created this site as well as the character of MrMary MF Poppins. I am a very private person, and have never used my first name on this site, but something rather serious has happened that has given me pause for reflection.

Today while working on the site I realized that in a few days this blog will turn one years old. I really love writing here so much so that I have neglected my other blogs.  You the readers have given me the opportunity to be both serious silly and every other emotion in between those extremes. Nowhere else could I blur the lines between sybaritic diction and imagery, openly vocal  philosophical  reflection, satirical recapitulations of the events of the day, and  all around merry-making as evidenced in this picture below where I went full method for…

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