Elements Of The Periodic Table

14 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Topic: Menstrual Cycles


“Are you on your period?” Never have five simple words gotten under a woman’s skin more, and caused a world of hurt for so many men. While some inquire with good intentions, others flippantly ask this whenever the woman in their life seems unhappy with something.

I believe that most guys aren’t callous and insensitive; rather, they’re ignorant to how unbelievably uncomfortable riding the crimson wave can be. They don’t understand the severity of the situation, and because of this, treat it as a joke. Well, I’m here to dispel any misconceptions they may have about what actually happens when Aunt Flo comes to town.

The Cramps

I really resent when a man says, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re exaggerating.” Challenge accepted, good sir. At the end of each month I am going to come to your house, and use your Vas Deferens as a swing set. Nonstop. Until you wish you were born a woman. I would only stop once you begged for Midol, a heating pad, and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping.

The Flow

Envision a world where your manhood leaked every 28 days, and the only way to manage it was to plug up your urethra with a Q-Tip. You would have to do this every 3-4 hours for 4-7 days. I can confidently say I’ve spent more time, money and energy performing maintenance for my periods than I have on my vehicle. Periods are also like ninjas, they sneak up on you in the middle of a pool party, work presentation, or while you’re on vacation. I’d have my uterus removed if I wasn’t so afraid of deepening my voice by three octaves, and growing a Wolverine-like beard post-surgery.

Breast Tenderness

This is no joke. There are times when my breasts get so swollen I’m convinced a stiff wind will cause them to burst like water balloons hitting the ground. I wear “menstrual shirts” which are so loose and billowy that it looks as though I’m channeling my inner pirate. Some of my male friends joke that as a woman I shouldn’t complain about bigger breasts. Okay, well let’s inflate your scrotum until the skin becomes transparent, and it’s rubbing against your zipper all day long. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Gastrointestinal Discomfort

To put it bluntly, we have a bit of a leaky valve back there. We’re talking about farts on steroids, the kind that could knock out an 800-pound bear. A select, lucky few get the kind of diarrhea nightmares are made of. Think back to a time when you ate something exotic (and questionable) to impress a woman. Remember clenching your butt cheeks for a week because you were afraid of what would happen if you relaxed the muscles? Yeah, that’s what it’s like.

Hormone Fluctuation

Imagine that in one hour you had the best sex of your life, found out your dog died, and someone keyed your car– that’s what being on your period is like. One minute you’re happily driving to work, and the next you’re crying while listening to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. Point being, there are homicidal maniacs who are more mentally stable than a woman who is menstruating. You should just be glad we’re not cutting off your hands while you sleep, and using your fingers to pick our noses.

Credit: We Know Memes

The irony in this situation is that women spend the majority of their lives hoping they get their periods. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten a phone call from a friend who has said, “Guess who isn’t having a baby? BOOYA!” We understand that it’s a necessary evil, but it doesn’t make it any less of a burden.

This isn’t to say women don’t bear some responsibility in the situation. We need to communicate that we’re approaching D-Day so the men can prepare to take cover. When I sound the alarm, my roommate quickly assembles an “emergency kit” consisting of wine, chocolate and bath bubbles. This has helped us avoid not-so-friendly fire.

The next time you see your girlfriend crying while watching a Hallmark commercial, offer up a little sympathy. The next time your sister is fuming over the results from the “American Idol” finale, offer up a little sympathy. The next time your wife is the happiest she’s ever been one minute, and the saddest she’s ever been the next, offer up a little sympathy. It’s very possible that she has breasts which are about to explode.


Thanks to Storkhunter who gave me permission to post things from my archives. Her post on Team Vagina inspired me to dig this up, so check her out.

NaNoWriNO Day 13

NaNoWriNO Day 15

82 Responses to “Elements Of The Periodic Table”

  1. Adam S 11/25/2012 at 6:50 pm #

    This is brilliant! (Put the Q-tip down) What a masterpiece. There were a few “chicks” that I was thinking about as I was reading this. I think I’m going to send out a few Hallmark cards tomorrow. It’s not that I wasn’t ‘aware’ of it already, but damn, this sounds debilitating.

    Makes me thankful that I *only* have to deal with a prostate exam in a few years.

    I’m trying to think of a sensitive way to send this to a few facebook friends. Any ideas? I don’t wanna end up picking any noses with my severed fingers…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/28/2012 at 12:53 pm #

      I love that you’re going to send them cards. It really is better to do these things from far away because you never know when that volcano is about to erupt.

      And besides, prostate exams aren’t all that bad. You get a thumb up your butt, and who doesn’t do that a few times a week anyway?

      • Adam S 11/28/2012 at 3:29 pm #

        Hmm. I’m pretty confident that I’m still not looking forward to a thumb — or any other digit for that matter — climbing up my virgin ass. But, thank you for consoling!

  2. John the Aussie 11/17/2012 at 3:22 pm #

    That time of month has never been explained with such awesomeness to me before…

  3. SocietyRed 11/16/2012 at 8:05 am #

    Damn! That is all…

  4. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/15/2012 at 11:42 pm #

    OMG! Sisterhood fist bump! *bump* I have this conversation with men ALL THE TIME! Taking birth control has made it way better, but before bc, I would find myself curled on the floor in the fetal position crying my heart out in the middle of the night because of cramps and pain. Awfulness.

    And when you bleed through your clothes at the most awkward times ever? Yeah. That too.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 1:31 am #

      Birth control does make it way better. Although, I do find myself crying much more one or two days than I normally do because of it. I see an old lady writing a check, and I’m crying over the “good ‘ol days” when “things were much simpler.”

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/19/2012 at 12:40 pm #

        Hahaha! I always found checks tricky… not to mention losing them all the time…

  5. DeeDee 11/15/2012 at 3:59 am #

    Yes, THIS!

    I don’t get the farts or diarrhea but there’s always a few days of constipation followed by a colossal colon self-cleanse. Between that and the water weight, I can rely on a 5-lb spike on the scale that fades away in a couple of days.

    In all seriousness, however, the uncomfortable drying effects of disposable feminine products are easily avoided with other approaches to managing sanitation. Yes, I’m talking about a menstrual cup. Much less mess, discomfort, waste, etc. You know, in case you were considering it yourself.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/15/2012 at 9:03 am #

      The menstrual cup is one of the greatest things to happen to me in the last 5 years. I’m not kidding. I know some people are really freaked out by it, but it has eliminated a lot of the maintenance and cleanup.

      • DeeDee 11/15/2012 at 10:10 am #

        Amen, sister, amen. I’m glad to be sending less biodegradable material to a landfill as well. Then I don’t have any additional guilt over my natural hormonal cycle KILLING THE EARTH on top of cramps and mood swings.


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