Elements Of The Periodic Table

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Topic: Menstrual Cycles

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“Are you on your period?” Never have five simple words gotten under a woman’s skin more, and caused a world of hurt for so many men. While some inquire with good intentions, others flippantly ask this whenever the woman in their life seems unhappy with something.

I believe that most guys aren’t callous and insensitive; rather, they’re ignorant to how unbelievably uncomfortable riding the crimson wave can be. They don’t understand the severity of the situation, and because of this, treat it as a joke. Well, I’m here to dispel any misconceptions they may have about what actually happens when Aunt Flo comes to town.

The Cramps

I really resent when a man says, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re exaggerating.” Challenge accepted, good sir. At the end of each month I am going to come to your house, and use your Vas Deferens as a swing set. Nonstop. Until you wish you were born a woman. I would only stop once you begged for Midol, a heating pad, and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping.

The Flow

Envision a world where your manhood leaked every 28 days, and the only way to manage it was to plug up your urethra with a Q-Tip. You would have to do this every 3-4 hours for 4-7 days. I can confidently say I’ve spent more time, money and energy performing maintenance for my periods than I have on my vehicle. Periods are also like ninjas, they sneak up on you in the middle of a pool party, work presentation, or while you’re on vacation. I’d have my uterus removed if I wasn’t so afraid of deepening my voice by three octaves, and growing a Wolverine-like beard post-surgery.

Breast Tenderness

This is no joke. There are times when my breasts get so swollen I’m convinced a stiff wind will cause them to burst like water balloons hitting the ground. I wear “menstrual shirts” which are so loose and billowy that it looks as though I’m channeling my inner pirate. Some of my male friends joke that as a woman I shouldn’t complain about bigger breasts. Okay, well let’s inflate your scrotum until the skin becomes transparent, and it’s rubbing against your zipper all day long. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Gastrointestinal Discomfort

To put it bluntly, we have a bit of a leaky valve back there. We’re talking about farts on steroids, the kind that could knock out an 800-pound bear. A select, lucky few get the kind of diarrhea nightmares are made of. Think back to a time when you ate something exotic (and questionable) to impress a woman. Remember clenching your butt cheeks for a week because you were afraid of what would happen if you relaxed the muscles? Yeah, that’s what it’s like.

Hormone Fluctuation

Imagine that in one hour you had the best sex of your life, found out your dog died, and someone keyed your car– that’s what being on your period is like. One minute you’re happily driving to work, and the next you’re crying while listening to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. Point being, there are homicidal maniacs who are more mentally stable than a woman who is menstruating. You should just be glad we’re not cutting off your hands while you sleep, and using your fingers to pick our noses.

Credit: We Know Memes

The irony in this situation is that women spend the majority of their lives hoping they get their periods. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten a phone call from a friend who has said, “Guess who isn’t having a baby? BOOYA!” We understand that it’s a necessary evil, but it doesn’t make it any less of a burden.

This isn’t to say women don’t bear some responsibility in the situation. We need to communicate that we’re approaching D-Day so the men can prepare to take cover. When I sound the alarm, my roommate quickly assembles an “emergency kit” consisting of wine, chocolate and bath bubbles. This has helped us avoid not-so-friendly fire.

The next time you see your girlfriend crying while watching a Hallmark commercial, offer up a little sympathy. The next time your sister is fuming over the results from the “American Idol” finale, offer up a little sympathy. The next time your wife is the happiest she’s ever been one minute, and the saddest she’s ever been the next, offer up a little sympathy. It’s very possible that she has breasts which are about to explode.

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Thanks to Storkhunter who gave me permission to post things from my archives. Her post on Team Vagina inspired me to dig this up, so check her out.

NaNoWriNO Day 13

NaNoWriNO Day 15

Tags: humor, I'm on my period give me chocolate, meanwhile in my uterus, my boobs are swollen, periods fart are awful, periods will be known as shark week, PMS is a biznitch, side effects of PMS, Women, your fart killed my bear