Dickorating

13 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

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I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal.

Nose Hair. A good rule of thumb is that you should trim it as soon as it looks like you’re birthing a spider out of your nostril. There has never been a time in my life when I’ve thought, “You know what would be sexy? If I could feel his nose hair on my upper lip as we made out.”

Unless you’re looking to reach the “someone’s grandma” demographic in the bedroom, cut your creepy crawlies

Happy trail. Hair running from the belly button down to your Land of Magical Humps is expected, but when your happy trail turns into a happy forest, it’s time to do a little maintenance. I’m not asking you to wax it until it looks like a Zamboni ran over your stomach, but simply to prevent your hair from ganging up on your belly button.

The Don’ts

Unibrow. As someone whose eyebrows would grow into her hairline if she let them, I understand that you may have been dealt a bad hand in the hair-above-the-eye department. It’s not fair, and it’s a pain in the ass. My entire face can grow a five o’clock shadow so believe me when I say I understand where you’re coming from. Still, you have a responsibility to keep Capulet and Montague apart.

Penazzling. Remember when that maneater Jennifer Love Hewitt went on television and said she was vajazzling, and the whole world went crazy? Well, this trend is now available for men who feel their nether regions are super boring! Let me break it down for you: disco balls in nightclubs are acceptable, disco balls in your pants are not.

For guys with girlfriends who need even MORE to concentrate on during fellatio

Heavy-handed grooming. There are three things in life which are acceptable when bald: a head, a tire and an eagle. See how “penis” is missing from this list? There’s this myth going around that if you take all of the hair away, your partner will be fooled into thinking your Donald Pump is bigger than it actually is. A magnifying glass will give you that same effect, and won’t make you look like a 9-year-old boy.

This is all a bit hypocritical considering I haven’t shaved my legs in two weeks, but it’s cold outside, and I need to build up my winter coat. Please also keep in mind that these dos and don’ts won’t encompass every woman’s desires. Some will love rubbing up against a guy who reminds her of Wolverine, and others will want you to wax your butthole. Different strokes.

I think the key is to use common sense. If you feel like your ears are chilly and could use a blanket, let your ear weeds grow a bit. If you don’t like the idea of eyebrow upkeep, shave down the center and tell people you’re going for a Eugene Levy look. Just remember that it is never acceptable, no matter how good of an idea you think it is at the time, to penazzle.

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Thanks to John from SocietyRed for suggesting this topic. I hope it helps him be a better garden architect for his personal landscape.

NaNoWriNO Day 12

NaNoWriNO Day 14

92 Responses to “Dickorating”

  1. vyvacious 11/30/2012 at 1:11 pm #

    Penazzling is a big deal in some other countries. I heard some men are getting surgery to insert these small (think tongue stud-sized) balls on their dick to maximize pleasure for the woman (or man). It’s a little cray-cray in my opinion.

    • Jen and Tonic 12/07/2012 at 12:09 am #

      WOW. That’s going the distance for a woman’s pleasure. You kind of have to respect that.

      • vyvacious 12/07/2012 at 3:24 pm #

        The problem is now telling the difference between that and warts when you’re really drunk.

  2. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/15/2012 at 10:58 pm #

    I hear you about trolling Craiglist for some peen – but those men be cray cray… it’s such a shame…

  3. SocietyRed 11/15/2012 at 3:43 pm #

    Funniest post and comment collection ever! I’m laughing so hard I peed a little! Glad I suggested it! 2 for 2!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 1:48 am #

      Sometimes I think that the people commenting are trying to outdo me, and they’re winning. Dirty bastards.

      Glad you enjoyed!

  4. Miss Snarky Pants 11/15/2012 at 9:31 am #

    This may be your funniest post yet. I loved, loved, loved this one and will be sharing it all over my social mediasphere. In addition, I will print out copies and leave them in places that Hubby can’t miss…like his underwear drawer and the shelf where he stashes his porn.

    BTW, you had me at “Donald Pump.” I laughed out loud and scared my cat.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/15/2012 at 9:34 am #

      He’s going to find this post in his porn stash and say, “Wait, she KNOWS about this?”

      Also, I quite literally heard the Donald Pump thing for the first time last week. I was walking around downtown, and a homeless guy was screaming all sorts of things about Obama. At one point he said, “And I don’t give a shit if that butt humper Donald Pump doesn’t like him.” And he made a hip thrusting action as he said it.

      • Miss Snarky Pants 11/15/2012 at 9:37 am #

        Please give him a dollar for me the next time you see him. Sounds like the dude should be blogging. I’m also glad to hear that he’s so nimble that he can manage a hip thrust. Most of the homeless in my neighborhood just stumble around with a vacant, Walking Dead look on their face. I’m still laughing, btw. You have seriously made my day with this blog post. Oh, and you know I’ll be stealing “Donald Pump.” It’s too good to keep from the world.

  5. Lyssapants 11/14/2012 at 4:12 pm #

    Honestly I think some literal disco balls down there would make the whole experience that much more fun.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/15/2012 at 9:02 am #

      Put on a little 70’s music, break out a flashlight, and shine it on his junk while he danced around. It’d be like a real disco.

      • Lyssapants 11/15/2012 at 1:36 pm #

        “I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk…”

  6. writerwendyreid 11/14/2012 at 3:13 pm #

    I hate pubic hair. When I first started shaving (many years ago), it felt weird and yeah, I thought my husband was acting out some school girl fantasy…but now I couldn’t imagine any other way. For our hairier mates, I don’t mind a little but it’s gotta be well trimmed..especially if he wants my face anywhere in the vicinity. 😛

    • Jen and Tonic 11/15/2012 at 9:00 am #

      It really is about preference. I tried a Brazilian wax once, and was walking like I just got off of a horse for a week. My skin is super sensitive so that much maintenance just can’t cut it.

      And yeah, I can see not wanting to put your face down in a bowl full of cotton balls.

  7. Storkhunter 11/13/2012 at 6:47 pm #

    Penazzling – yeuch!! On the plus side, Christmas parties coming up, could help you find it in a darkened closet somewhere.
    As for hair, I’m totally with you. Men need to have hair – I don’t want to feel like I’m married to a prepubescent teen. I shave so you don’t have to.

  8. Aimee 11/13/2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Penazzling…oh dear! What a scary thought 🙂

  9. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/13/2012 at 6:28 pm #

    I can’t be with someone that takes better care of their extraneous hairs than I do … that would make me have to work harder…

  10. timmer 11/13/2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Jesus, the comments are amazing…

  11. saradraws 11/13/2012 at 4:25 pm #

    Men and women who are totally bare down there make me assume that their lovers are closeted pedophiles. I mean, I can kind of see the appeal of unexpected sensation of warm breezes…but so very unpubescent.
    Also, on the fence about penazzling. What would I hate more caught in the back of my throat? Pube or sequin?

    • writerwendyreid 11/14/2012 at 3:05 pm #

      Ahem…..I resemble that remark. ;-P

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] It also looks like she’s wearing a codpiece.  It’s a big, shiny disco codpiece.  Someone must tell Jen. […]

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