Tag Archives: depression

Unbreakable

25 Nov

Last night I became so enraged that I threw something.

This is highly unusual for me. I’m not the type of person who gets so angry that she throws a punch, or starts breaking her dishes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten upset about things, but I’ve never even considered getting physical.

One of the reasons I’m going to therapy is to get in touch with my emotions. I’ve spent most of my life being rather robotic in this regard. I experience setbacks, I stuff my feelings down, and I move on with my life.

This is not a method I recommend to anyone. You’ll think it’s working, but what’s really happening is that your feelings are lingering just beneath the surface. You can run away from them, but they’ll always catch up to you. Continue reading →

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Climbing the Highest Mountain

10 Jul

I love hiking, it’s easily my favorite activity of all time. The birds, the trees, the fresh air, the views. There’s something about being in nature that makes me feel most like myself. Stand under a 240 foot (73 meters) redwood tree sometime, and tell me you don’t feel a tinge of something in your heart.

Some hikes are easy, but there are others which are more of an aerobic activity than a pleasurable jaunt through the woods. There are times when hiking flat out hurts, when I’m sweating, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, my calves burn, and I’m out of breath.

“Sounds like a load of fun, Jen. Much better than getting a massage, or helping Rick Perry remove his head from his ass.”

I won’t lie, I’ve considered turning back many times. My body is begging me to turn around, but I know there’s an end destination. It could be a waterfall, or a mountain view, or wildlife spotting. There’s something to look forward to, and I know I won’t regret pushing my body to keep going forward.

L to R: Hamilton Mountain, Table Mountain, Mt. Adams

Upper McCord Creek Falls Hike – Columbia River Gorge, OR
(L to R: Hamilton Mountain, Table Mountain, Mt. Adams)

Lately I’ve been going on a hike of a different kind, an emotional hike. My mind is huffing and puffing, hurting so deeply that sometimes I think I’ll collapse. I’m sweating through my tear ducts, and I’m starving for nourishment of a different kind. Continue reading →

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Tears of a Clown

15 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 15

Topic: Third Life Crisis

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This topic wasn’t suggested, but I thought I’d give myself a pass and write about it anyway. It’s something happening in my life, and is something I really need to get off my chest. Additionally, this is my blog and I’m a tyrant.

The truth is, I’ve been in some strange downward spiral over the last few months. Maybe it’s more of a sadness black hole I’m being sucked into. Whatever it is, I want so badly to get off this train to crazy town already.

It’s not one thing plaguing me. Some people can identify that it’s their job or relationship or financial situation. Mine is…everything. I suffer from anxiety, and have a history of depression. It’s mostly under control thanks to coping mechanisms I’ve acquired over the years, but it occasionally creeps up on me. It feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me, and then having a steamroller come by and run my ass over.

Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about everything. I’m sure I’m going to get laid-off at work. I’m sure my parents are disappointed in me. I’m sure I didn’t pay all of my bills on time. I’m sure I didn’t lock the front door. I once got out of bed at 4 in the morning and brushed my teeth twice because I had eaten candy earlier in the night, and was convinced my teeth would fall out overnight if I didn’t. Anxiety is the mistress you wish would stop calling your house. Continue reading →

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