Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses


A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

The garbage disposal will turn itself on the moment I stick my hand in there, mangling my manly hands

I’ve never had an incident with a garbage disposal, but it’s not totally off the table. If you think about it, it’s nothing but the kitchen sink’s mouth, waiting to devour anything you put into it. Part of my paranoia stems from my belief that all kitchen appliances come to life the moment you leave the room. I’m going to throw eggshells down there knowing I shouldn’t, and next thing you know, it’s plotting with the oven on how to destroy me.

There is always a serial killer behind the shower curtain

I hold my breath before I draw the curtain back. I’m not sure why I think this is effective since I’ll need all the oxygen I can get to run away from this knife-wielding psychopath. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been home the entire time since my last shower, I’m convinced the murderer has somehow gotten inside my house, sneaked his way into my shower, and waited hours just so he could kill me in the tub. Each time, when I see there isn’t someone behind the curtain, I really feel like I cheated death.

“Murdering people” is listed under his favorite sports

Paging Dr. Freud? Please tell me you guys have totally unsubstantiated fears like I do.


A special thanks to my friend Mr. Bitch Mittens for suggesting this topic. Also, thank you to everyone who read, shared and commented on my post yesterday. My Hooked on Tonics are the best.

NaNoWriNO Day 15

NaNoWriNO Day 17

93 Responses to “Paging Dr. Freud”

  1. Lyssapants 11/19/2012 at 12:11 pm #

    I am right there with you.
    Just because I watch zombies ripping the flesh from a cute white girl on TV does not mean they’ll come after me next.
    FYI, I also have the shower curtain thing, too. I got your back.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 4:19 pm #

      I think the moral of the story is that we all need to take group showers together.

      • Lyssapants 11/19/2012 at 4:35 pm #

        Sounds like the sexiest safety plan ever.

  2. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/17/2012 at 10:27 pm #

    I should have a phobia of disappearing since I do things like meet men on craigslist, sleep at the houses of people I’ve met on the internet (couchsurfing), and hitchhike…

    But instead I fear velociraptors chasing after me ever since I saw Jurassic Park when I was 6. Walking around a darkened house creeps me out and I listen for the clicking of dinosaur toenails…

  3. writerwendyreid 11/17/2012 at 10:27 am #

    I’m afraid of cows. Not the small ones. It’s still freud-worthy.

  4. MissFourEyes 11/17/2012 at 2:11 am #

    I hear ya on the garbage disposal. My serial killer is always in the closet or waiting for me behind the door. Always.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 3:03 am #

      Serial killers seem to always have the same hiding spots. You think they’d mix it up.

  5. Bill Friday 11/16/2012 at 11:56 pm #

    Thank God you weren’t referring to ME with that “Mr. Bitch Mittens” business!!!

    (poor MBM, whoever he is)

    Having been a maintenance man in my checkered past, I have shoved my manly hands down many a garbage disposal (checks manly hands), and I can report that I still count to 10 when I’m done. However, I was raised by a woman who was heard saying, every night around sunset, “Can someone please close the drapes? We might get shot.”

    Oh well… 50/50.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 3:03 am #

      I call you Mr. Bitch Mittens, just behind your back. Like a good friend!

      I’m not saying it’s impossible to stick your hand down there without it getting cut off, just that we shouldn’t tempt it so much. It WANTS to eat our hands.

      Also, did you guys have bullet proof drapes?

  6. benzeknees 11/16/2012 at 11:34 pm #

    I think Alfred Hitchcock & Janet Leigh have a lot to answer for – I also have the fear of closed shower curtains. So now I have a clear glass shower door. Monster under the bed – check. Fingers in the garbage disposal – check. Spiders – check. Small spaces – check. Heights – check.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 3:01 am #

      You’ve got all the biggies going on for you! Could you imagine if you had to stay in a tiny room, way high up that had a garbage disposal and spiders in it? NIGHTMARE situation.

      • benzeknees 11/18/2012 at 7:16 pm #

        Shortly before my heart attack, I would pass out from vertigo at that height!

  7. artsifrtsy 11/16/2012 at 7:54 pm #

    I refuse to have a garbage disposal – I like my knuckles too much. I am also certain that there is something slimy down in the cellar. The dogs won’t go down there so it can’t be good.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 3:00 am #

      If your dogs won’t do it, neither should you.

      • artsifrtsy 11/18/2012 at 12:52 pm #

        I think that true of most things in life.

  8. tara 11/16/2012 at 5:12 pm #

    I am totally convinced the disposal is going to go off on me as soon as I put my hand in it also.

    While I am not always scared of a serial killer behind the shower curtain, I am scared of opening after I get out of the shower.

    Mr. Bitch Mittens is the best name ever.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 3:00 am #

      Actually, this is true. What if the serial killer is like, “Ha! She’ll think I’m in there, and when she doesn’t see me, she’ll let her guard down. Then…BAM!”

  9. Dani Heart 11/16/2012 at 3:59 pm #

    I understand Jen. I think it is somewhat well known that the actress who starred in Psycho (Janet Leigh) no longer takes showers. I mean she bathes of course, but that whole thing scared her so bad that she doesn’t take showers. I have had the same fear of the garbage disposal..too many movies I think. We don’t have a garbage disposal, (not a good idea with boys), but I have had them in the past and I was always careful not to put my hand near there. LOL I too, whenever I am going somewhere that I haven’t been, especially if I am going alone.. I make sure someone knows that I went and the route I took, so that if I don’t come back they will know where to begin the search. 🙂 Great post.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:59 am #

      Is that true about Janet Leigh? I didn’t know that!!

      And good girl letting someone know where you’re going! That way we could hunt them down like dogs.

      • Dani Heart 11/18/2012 at 9:27 am #

        🙂 Jen you are so sweet. 🙂 yes..true about Janet Leigh.

  10. Brother Jon 11/16/2012 at 3:35 pm #

    I hate to admit this, but I sometimes come across as a MBM type of person. I always point out absurdities when they happen.

    Kitchen appliances coming to life? Well duh….have seen the little toaster that could?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:58 am #

      I have, and while he was benevolent, you can’t trust the rest of those jerks in the kitchen.


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