Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses


A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

The garbage disposal will turn itself on the moment I stick my hand in there, mangling my manly hands

I’ve never had an incident with a garbage disposal, but it’s not totally off the table. If you think about it, it’s nothing but the kitchen sink’s mouth, waiting to devour anything you put into it. Part of my paranoia stems from my belief that all kitchen appliances come to life the moment you leave the room. I’m going to throw eggshells down there knowing I shouldn’t, and next thing you know, it’s plotting with the oven on how to destroy me.

There is always a serial killer behind the shower curtain

I hold my breath before I draw the curtain back. I’m not sure why I think this is effective since I’ll need all the oxygen I can get to run away from this knife-wielding psychopath. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been home the entire time since my last shower, I’m convinced the murderer has somehow gotten inside my house, sneaked his way into my shower, and waited hours just so he could kill me in the tub. Each time, when I see there isn’t someone behind the curtain, I really feel like I cheated death.

“Murdering people” is listed under his favorite sports

Paging Dr. Freud? Please tell me you guys have totally unsubstantiated fears like I do.


A special thanks to my friend Mr. Bitch Mittens for suggesting this topic. Also, thank you to everyone who read, shared and commented on my post yesterday. My Hooked on Tonics are the best.

NaNoWriNO Day 15

NaNoWriNO Day 17

93 Responses to “Paging Dr. Freud”

  1. Viciously Sweet 11/16/2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I am always afraid that I’m entering a den of murderers! Yesterday I had to go to get a signature from a man in an office I never met. I left my coworkers the address I was at, and kept my GPS on my phone. Who’s not going missing? Me!
    Also I fear that I will wake up covered by ants. We have similar phobias my friend…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:57 am #

      You are very smart! From now on I’m going to power up my GPS before walking into any murderous lair.

  2. Fern DeVilliers 11/16/2012 at 3:13 pm #

    I love the name “Mr. Bitch Mittens” too, which reminds me – every time I put on gloves or boots that have been sitting in the closet over the summer, I worry that a brown recluse spider will be hiding in there somewhere and that I’ll be bitten, and my hand/foot will get infected and I’ll have to have it amputated, or the poison will go through my entire body and I’ll just die right there in the hall. That’s the only thing I really worry about though.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:53 am #

      Whenever I think about getting bitten by a spider, I think it’ll run through my veins so quickly that I’ll collapse a foot away from the phone. So close, but so far away.

  3. Soul Walker 11/16/2012 at 2:43 pm #


    “Mr. Bitch Mittens…”

    That is just priceless.

    -Soul Walker

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:52 am #

      I promise I’ll never call you that…unless you act like a Mr. Bitch Mittens. Then all bets are off.

      • Soul Walker 11/18/2012 at 8:12 am #

        I’m not sure how you act like a Mr. Bitch Mittens… but it sounds ridiculous.

  4. calahan 11/16/2012 at 2:29 pm #

    I have an irrational fear of developing motion sickness, despite never having suffered from it. It’s really a phobia of vomiting, I guess.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:51 am #

      My coworker is afraid of vomiting too. Puke is rather disgusting. Plus, being dizzy just sucks. It would be like being drunk, but without all the fun.

      • calahan 11/18/2012 at 11:05 am #

        Emetophobiates unite!

  5. speaker7 11/16/2012 at 1:35 pm #

    Oof…looking at the ear guard makes me feel like I have ants crawling in and out of my ears. My main fear is that one day Hugo will come to life.

  6. Kimberly 11/16/2012 at 1:32 pm #

    I have to close the curtains at the hint of dark. I mean, of COURSE, a billion people are peering in at me that I can’t see – 1) I’m surrounded by trees, 2) I’m not that interesting or famous. No one is watching me, but still… curtains, closed. And cupboard doors. Cant stand them to be open. I get a twitch if they are. haha. All doors really are a problem. Bedrooms doors MUST be all the way open or all the way closed. Oh dear, what a world if everyone detailed their crazies? Haha. Wonderful post. Great morning laugh.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:50 am #

      I think I would literally shit my pants if I flipped the light on to the patio, and someone was standing there.

  7. Maggie O'C 11/16/2012 at 1:10 pm #

    Do you count worrying that I will freak out and put my tongue on a hot oven rack? Is that weird?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:49 am #

      Not all! When I go hiking I’m worried I’ll suddenly jump off the edge.

      • Maggie O'C 11/18/2012 at 11:05 am #

        My sister used to have a fear of freaking out and jumping out the window of the Space Needle restaurant.

  8. Madame Weebles 11/16/2012 at 9:52 am #

    You forgot the monsters under the bed. Or the light switches that will somehow electrocute you when you turn them on. Otherwise I think you’ve pretty much covered everything.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:48 am #

      I’ve never thought about light switches electrocuting me, but it makes sense. I’m wearing oven mitts around the house from now on.

  9. Nicole Marie 11/16/2012 at 9:18 am #

    Whenever a lock of hair tickles my ear when I’m in bed…I freak the hell out. I mean flailing my hands and jumping out of bed, pretty much giving the fiance a heart attack. I also jump every time the refrigerator starts making ice. I’m convinced someone is always lurking in the basement. I can’t hang a foot or hand off the side of the bed, or Freddy Kruger WILL pull me into a hellish nightmare land. Or I’ll be ripped into the hallway and down the stairs like a Paranormal Activity movie. :O

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:47 am #

      Oh, holy mother. I’ve felt slight hair tickles that made me jerk up so quickly I nearly broke my neck.

      The thing about the ice is hilarious! I STILL don’t understand how ice is made in a fridge.

  10. Stacie Chadwick 11/16/2012 at 9:01 am #

    You’re not alone J&T. I still skip the cracks in the sidewalk for good luck, and if a black cat dares to cross my path (I’ll shoot it with a BB gun if I catch it’s approach)? I immediately pull out my Barack Obama bobblehead doll and recite 10 Hail Mary’s.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:46 am #

      Is that also how you discipline your children? It sounds effective. I like your style, Chadwick.

  11. kayjai 11/16/2012 at 8:49 am #

    I have anxiety attacks on chair lifts…no shit. That ride at Disney called ‘Soarin’? I totally freaked out…can’t do it…or chair lifts. I.don’ Ugh…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:45 am #

      It’s a bucket on a cable operated by a guy who used to do meth. Totally rational fear.

      • kayjai 11/19/2012 at 3:53 am #

        See? Totally in sync with what I was thinking…

  12. Emily @ The Waiting 11/16/2012 at 8:30 am #

    I love the way you rationalize not squashing bugs and letting them go free. That actually makes a ton of sense!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:45 am #

      THANK YOU! I’m sooooo telling my therapist you said it’s normal.

  13. rollergiraffe 11/16/2012 at 8:10 am #

    How much time have you got? My list of phobias would be written into a seven volume tome that I could sell as “a comprehensive list of things you weren’t worried about until I describe in horrifying detail why you should be.” I am still working on the title. But there are at least 4 chapters about the furnace room.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:44 am #

      I’d actually read that book, maybe put it on my coffee table for guests.

  14. twindaddy 11/16/2012 at 8:05 am #

    Sorry, the only thing I fear is not having enough money to pay the bills.

  15. Miss Snarky Pants 11/16/2012 at 8:03 am #

    Where do I mail the clear shower curtain? And the earplugs? I have the power to allay your fears right in my also rather manly-looking hands (my knuckles look like elephant knees).

  16. UndercoverL 11/16/2012 at 7:39 am #

    When I read your posts, I sort of feel like you crawled into my ear while I was sleeping and you stole my experience of life. I have to say that I am actually more concerned about bugs nesting in the ears of my kids because there is no way on this earth that I would be able to rectify that. I would panic and die… Immediately. I would like to add that I am pretty sure that my house is only haunted when I am alone in the house. Yesterday my mp3 player turned on by itself and started playing ‘Sounds of Silence’ by Simon and Garfunkel. Spooky stuff. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:43 am #

      I promise if I crawl into your ear, I won’t burrow a hole in your brain like those bastard bugs would.

      Why are houses always haunted when people are alone in them? Ghosts like one on one fights (or is it frights?) I guess.

      • UndercoverL 11/19/2012 at 9:03 am #

        Yeah, I am pretty sure that ghosts are totally chicken. No way they would go into a brawl guns a’blazin’. My ghost just turns on my mp3 player and turns off all the lights in the house at random times. (Not power outages because the music and oven and fridge stay on, it’s just the lights he screws with.) I am pretty sure he’s benign because I told him he could stay as long as he doesn’t hurt the kids or scare me. It’s a win-win. But I wish he’s clean out the fridge sometimes… and wipe up his bread crumbs. (Oh wait, that’s my husband.)

  17. La La 11/16/2012 at 7:19 am #

    All of these are pretty much why I will be in an asylum in about 10 years.

  18. badfads 11/16/2012 at 7:13 am #

    I worry about everything conceivable, so I get it. If I worry about it, I’ll be prepared for when it happens. I got laughed at at my friend’s rehearsal dinner because I brought a large makeup case full of emergency everything. But then we needed most of it, so my worrying was vindicated! But I do worry about EVERYTHING. What if there’s a burglar? Do we need to keep the handgun in the bedroom, since the burglary would probably be at night, or is it safer to have it unloaded and in the other room? What if there’s a fire? Is the second bedroom going to EXPLODE if there’s a fire because of N’s slightly odd love of collecting old Russian ammunition? What if N’s parents come to visit and hurl vicious judgment at me for the amount of guns/booze/fancy food/pop culture we have in our apartment when he grew up with no cable, no nova documentaries until the homework is done, no guns, no booze, and nothing but casseroles to eat?

    That last is extremely autobiographical because they came to visit for the first time since we’ve been married a few weeks ago, and I was paralytic with worry/fear. I cleaned everything imaginable in the house and cooked a ridiculously pretentious meal out of sheer stress.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:41 am #

      If I had a gun in my house, I’d probably accidentally shoot myself while worrying if I’d accidentally shoot myself one day.

  19. michellestodden 11/16/2012 at 7:05 am #

    I’m right there with you on the garbage disposal and shower curtain things. I NEVER stick my hand into the garbage disposal because I’m certain it will freakishly malfunction. Plus, gross.

    I sometimes do this weird thing where I smack the shower curtain before I check to see if anyone is hiding behind it. My thought is that if I startle the person first, I’ll hear him/her and I’ll have a moment to grab the Glade and spray it like crazy in the person’s face before I run out the door screaming. I probably need to stop because my toddler is now abusing the curtain, too.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:40 am #

      Smacking the shower curtain is genius. I also haven’t invested in Glad spray. You’re just full of good ideas! You need to start a “how not to get murdered” business.

  20. Storkhunter 11/16/2012 at 6:50 am #

    My neuroses involves spiders – I never shove my hands down the side of the sofa to look for something, scrabble about under the bed or rummage through piles of crap. You never know where an arachnid might be lurking.
    Also, on a plane I have to sit in the aisle seat, just in case I need to escape.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:39 am #

      Shoving your hands on the inside of the sofa is pretty much taking your life into your hands. Agreed.

      I like to sit in the aisle, but because I’m paranoid about peeing my pants because I can’t use the restroom.

  21. becca3416 11/16/2012 at 6:43 am #

    Wait, you aren’t supposed to put egg shells down the disposal? SHIIIIT. If I go missing you will know who… or should I say what… the culprit was.

    I am convinced that if I sleep without my doors shut to my room that spirits will come attack me.

    • calahan 11/16/2012 at 2:28 pm #

      Actually, spirits will only attack you if you put eggshells down your disposal. I’m not making that up, it’s all, like, scientifically proven or whatever.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:37 am #

      I’m surprised your hand has lasted this long…

      YES! I love all the doors shut. Bathroom, closet, bedroom. Makes me feel safer even though none of them lock. Plus, ghosts can walk through walls can’t they?

  22. Cathy Ulrich 11/16/2012 at 6:41 am #

    No, I didn’t have any of these fears, Jen. But now I do…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:36 am #

      My sincerest apologies. This blog really should come with a warning label.

  23. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/16/2012 at 6:40 am #

    Your “mental” makes you endearing.

  24. aliceatwonderland 11/16/2012 at 6:20 am #

    If you’ve ever watched “Monsters inside me.” you know to fear all insects period. They do naaaasty things to you. They’re inside you RIGHT NOW. Just an FYI there. I have an irrational fear of flying insects, especially stinging ones. If there’s even a chance of one I run in the opposite direction.

    • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/17/2012 at 10:23 pm #

      That show gives me the heeby-jeebies.

      And I just can’t stop watching…

      • aliceatwonderland 11/17/2012 at 10:25 pm #

        Me neither. We must be prepared in case of Bubonic Plague.

        • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/17/2012 at 10:28 pm #

          Obviously! Kill the black cats because that worked really well before…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:35 am #

      I saw a report on dust mites a few years ago, and I was seriously researching ways to sleep without a pillow. The thought of laying my head down on a billion bugs seriously gave me the chills.

      • aliceatwonderland 11/18/2012 at 7:26 am #

        We had a mattress that was well over ten years old before we got rid of it. I bet it was an entire universe of bed bugs. Ewww.

  25. Christopher De Voss 11/16/2012 at 5:19 am #

    We all have been a victim of the shower curtain thing…but really…what are you going to do? Your naked and wet, and the murderer has a knife. Shower with your soul mate. Safety in numbers.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/16/2012 at 6:18 am #

      Unless your soul mate turns out to have been the killer the whole time!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 2:35 am #

      Is this why you’re always sending us evites for orgies?

      • Christopher De Voss 11/18/2012 at 5:58 am #

        Shhhhh…. (I didn’t send them to everyone…I don’t want anyone to feel left out. La La makes homemade meatballs, it will be worth it.)

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