Love Connection

17 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 17

Topic: Dating Shenanigans

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I’m a long-term relationship girl. I’m not commitment-minded in the least bit, but every few years someone comes along, and we somehow end up in a pretty serious relationship. It goes something like this: we meet, we’re friends, he tells me he loves me, we try dating, and then we’re heading to Ikea to pick out our new couch.

Still, I’ve been on actual dates. You know, the ones where you shave your legs for the first time in a month, and you eat a salad at dinner, and then you wait for him to call you? At least I think that’s how it goes. I wouldn’t know because I just wear jeans to hide my leg stubble, order a steak, and then never wait by the phone because I barely remembered I went on a date.

There was a period in my life when I went on so many “one date only” dates that it felt like being stuck in an episode of Love Connection.

Chuck Woolery, matchmaking badass

Let’s meet some of my potential suitors, shall we?

Suitor #1

Credit: Buzzfeed

Getting over an old relationship is tough, and sometimes you reenter the dating world when you’re not quite ready. I went out with a guy who had recently gotten divorced, but said he was “in a good place” and was ready to start meeting new people. He wasn’t. While we were at dinner, he asked me why my last relationship ended. I briefly explained, and then asked him why his marriage ended. He started crying…and never stopped. He had tears running down his face, and snot coming out of his nose. He kept saying she had ripped his heart out, and he was only half a man now. People in the restaurant were staring at us, and I was mortified. When we wrapped up and got outside, he tried to kiss me. I told him I had herpes, and that it was probably best if he lost my number.

Suitor #2

I met a guy at a volunteering event, and throughout the course of the day we discovered we had a ton of stuff in common. When he asked me out, I happily accepted. Everything on the date was great. The food was perfect, the conversation was moving along, and we took a nice walk afterwards. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any sexual fantasies. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that; he said he’d go first so I wouldn’t be so shy. He proceeded to tell me that he had a fetish with licking the inside of a girl’s nostrils, and running the tip of his tongue along eyeballs. He said I had the cutest nose and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, and couldn’t wait to get his tongue on them. I totally froze up, and just nodded and stared. He could tell I was really turned off by it, and began telling me how sexually repressed Americans are. The end of the date finished with him saying I should pull the stick out of my ass before going out with anyone else.

Suitor #3

If you meet a guy who is cultured, smart, cute, funny, successful, respectful, a good dresser, and knows his way around a wine list, you should be suspicious. I went out with a guy who, on paper, is every woman’s dream man. We went to a cool little coffee house, and talked for over 6 hours. He was ridiculously funny, and I liked that there was a bit of a “bite” to him. Despite having a great time, I didn’t feel a spark between us. When the date was over, he walked me to my car and we awkwardly lingered there for a few minutes. He said, “Look, you’re really cool, and I had a fun time. I know this is the part where I’m supposed to kiss you, but………………..I’m gay. I realized right now I’m definitely gay.” He went on to explain that he had previously thought he might be gay, but wanted to give it one last shot before throwing in the towel on women. Who knew I was the last stop on the train to Homosexual Town?

And now we know why Jen doesn’t do the whole dating thing. Sorry Chuck, but this girl will take her chances with fate.

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Thanks to Melissa Sue Who from Turning Inside Out who suggested this topic. Want more dating stories?  Go read her post about a man who was bold enough to ask for anal sex over coffee.

NaNoWriNO Day 16

NaNoWriNO Day 18

56 Responses to “Love Connection”

  1. julesmilano 11/10/2013 at 10:27 pm #

    Reblogged this on Jules Milano.

  2. Lyssapants 11/19/2012 at 12:30 pm #

    That pic of Dawson just made my day.
    And next time, gay boy should have just stomped on your heart instead. Ouch!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 4:19 pm #

      Crybaby Dawson is one of the best memes on the internet.

  3. the howler and me 11/19/2012 at 3:11 am #

    OMG lick your eyeballs and nostrils? Seriously?

    It reminds me of a time, I was hanging out with this guy that I had had a crush on for YEARS and he came out and told me his biggest fantasy was to have sex with a Mexican hooker…
    uhhhhh…. check please!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 3:56 pm #

      I just laughed obnoxiously loud for being in a coffee shop. Who SAYS that kind of stuff? How does that even come up?!

      • the howler and me 11/19/2012 at 5:27 pm #

        I honestly don’t know….

  4. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/17/2012 at 10:33 pm #

    OMG to all those stories!! Did you really tell the crier you had herpes and he should lose your number! I love it! I need to be ballsy like that – I need to step up my rejection game 🙂 Though, like you, I would have been completely floored if a guy told me he wanted to lick my nasal cavity and eyeballs… ick…

    I definitely went through years of never getting past the first date – but my stories weren’t as interesting. And I kind of hope they don’t get to be that interesting…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:15 pm #

      I really did tell him that. I was so mad at that point I didn’t care what he thought of me. EVERYONE in the restaurant was looking at us, and the waiter kept giving me pity looks. I mean, I feel badly that he was so upset, but then you excuse yourself and say you need to go home.

      And no, you don’t want them to be that interesting. EVER.

  5. Love and Lunchmeat 11/17/2012 at 6:00 pm #

    I had a guy lick my armpit once. I can safely say that I am not into having my armpit tickled with someone’s tongue, probably wouldn’t have liked it if he’d licked my eyeballs either.

    BTW, I’ve never dated a single guy who later turned out to be gay. I’m somewhat bummed about that. I would love to be able to say that I went out with a guy, and right afterwards he realized he was gay.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:14 pm #

      I’ve heard about people liking armpits. A friend of mine loves to sniff her husband’s armpit after he gets back from the gym. Then they have sex like rabid monkeys. To me, it’s a place I barely touch. Only my razor and deodorant stick go there.

  6. isawbobdylaninaspeedo 11/17/2012 at 4:45 pm #

    O.M.G. I have dated all these guys. GREAT. Loved the ‘buy a couch at IKEA’ – you sound like me. I am really really really trying to give this dating thing a try. Not RELATIONSHIPPING but DATING. I am not calling anyone back, waiting 24 hours, (no one is calling me) not responding right away to emails, (well I am with this super adorable guy) and being generally coy. I hate it. But they love it. They love I am dating and not desperate. Go figure. This game of chase is ridiculous. This is why I just go with them to buy couches at IKEA..its easier. Loved this post!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:12 pm #

      Please let me know if it’s possible to do the actual dating thing. I mean, I see how it could be fun, I’m just so bad at it. Although, is it that terrible that we get men to fall in live with us so easily? Our charm is like a magnet!!

  7. Storkhunter 11/17/2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Take the homosexual thing as a giant compliment. After all, if he wasn’t attracted to someone with eyeballs as gorgeous as yours he must be gay, right.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:07 pm #

      I needed you before the $12,000 in therapy bills I spent on getting over turning a man gay.

      • Storkhunter 11/18/2012 at 12:49 pm #

        $12,000 and not one therapist gave you that morale boost? You should ask for a refund.

  8. aliceatwonderland 11/17/2012 at 1:48 pm #

    I had a great friendship that I thought might be something more because hey we both liked the same chick flicks, and Broadway musicals, and we were both into art and . . . shit, like yeah it kind of made sense later when he turned out to be gay.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:06 pm #

      “So, how did you two besties meet? A Liza Minnelli concert? Cher fan club? Tap school?” “Uh….no. On a date.”

  9. Bill Friday 11/17/2012 at 11:09 am #

    C’mon!!! Who HASN’T had the honor of helping someone come to grips with their sexuality following a Close Encounter of the Spending Time With Me kind? Oh, and as far as your in-post pictures (always love them) are concerned, you do realize that there are some things that really, truly, can never be UN-seen… right?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:05 pm #

      This reminds me…thank you for helping me come to grips with my sexuality. You’re a good friend.

      Oh, I want you to think of Nick Nolte’s face every night before you go to sleep.

      • Bill Friday 11/18/2012 at 1:58 pm #

        You’re very welcome. And, if it could be arranged, maybe a picture of Bea Arthur might do the trick instead?

  10. Soul Walker 11/17/2012 at 10:51 am #

    I loved Chuck even as a child.

  11. Kelly 11/17/2012 at 9:41 am #

    Chuck Woolery’s “two and two” makes me twitchy and excited. I have never been so antsy during a commercial break before or since. He may have been my second television boyfriend. Tom Selleck being my first…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:04 pm #

      YES! I used to love practicing his little gun finger thing. He had it going on.

  12. writerwendyreid 11/17/2012 at 9:39 am #

    Who knew I was the last stop on the train to Homosexual Town? Brilliant Jen. 😛

  13. mabukach 11/17/2012 at 7:32 am #

    Hugh Janus….bahaha.
    I’m still mortified by the fact there’s an eyeball licking fetish.
    Funny stuff, thanks

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:03 pm #

      You get points for being the first person to mention the names. And yeah, I’m not quite sure about the eyeball licking fetish. I’m open-minded, but that seemed like the beginning to a Saw movie.

      • mabukach 11/18/2012 at 6:43 pm #

        Yay! 5 points. Eye ball licking is a gateway fetish. First you’re licking eyeballs, then you’re Jeffrey Dahmering it.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/19/2012 at 6:35 am #

          Thank god I got out while I did. I don’t taste good with a little garlic powder and salt.

  14. Carrie Rubin 11/17/2012 at 6:53 am #

    I’m suddenly happy to be an old married lady. Sounds very scary out there.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:02 pm #

      You stay married and pretend you never heard this.

  15. nikkix2 11/17/2012 at 5:42 am #

    Hahahaha,,I love your stories!!
    I went on a “almost” first date with a guy that showed up so drunk he could hardly stand. I thought about doing the excuse myself to use the washroom and bale move, but me being the nice girl felt bad for his drunk ass, just drove him home.
    Where he then proceeded to get onto fb and call me every name in the book. Can you say Delete and Block!
    I knew as soon as you describe the pro’s of #3 that he was gay, btw 😉
    Thanks for making my Saturday morning!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:02 pm #

      I understand people needing a beer or a few sips of wine to calm their nerves, but full blown drinking like that? What makes you think that’s seductive? And yeah, really mature on the Facebook thing. I love watching people have meltdowns on Facebook, and wonder if they later regret it.

  16. Madame Weebles 11/17/2012 at 5:10 am #

    We should seriously start a service for guys who are on the fence about their sexuality: “Think you’re gay? Go on a date with us and find out for sure!” By the way, your eyeballs are super hot and I want to lick them.

    • calahan 11/17/2012 at 4:06 pm #

      How does someone even learn that they’re into licking eyeballs? When does that first come up? What is the story that ends with, “…and from then on, I knew I was an eye licker”?

      The service for guys on the fence is a great idea. What would you call it?

      • Madame Weebles 11/17/2012 at 5:26 pm #

        Well, it was really just by accident. Kind of like how the first cavemen discovered cooking when mastodon meat fell into the fire. You know how it is, one thing leads to another and all of a sudden your tongue is on someone’s eyeball. And I don’t know…it just…felt right. And from then on, I knew I was an eye licker.

        Jen and I will have to brainstorm a name for our service. I think we could make good money.

        • calahan 11/18/2012 at 11:04 am #

          I hope you come up with a brand name soon because the idea of all of those guys sitting on fences sounds painful.

          • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:01 pm #

            Just submitted my names. As a bi-curious guy, let me know what you think!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:00 pm #

          Here are the names I came up with:

          “Homo or HoNO?”

          “Plenty of Gay Fish”

          “Queer Eye for the Curious Guy”

          • Madame Weebles 11/18/2012 at 12:35 pm #

            I like “Homo or HoNO?” best. The only one I came up with is, “Is My Date Weird, or My Last Beard?”

          • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 12:42 pm #

            Oh shit, that’s genius.

          • calahan 11/18/2012 at 3:47 pm #

            “Still on the fence about your sexuality? Come on down and enroll with Jen Or Men! At Jen Or Men, you will hope of that fence with zero doubt which lawn you want to frolic in.”

          • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 4:11 pm #

            I’m very egotistical so this really appeals to me

          • calahan 11/18/2012 at 3:48 pm #

            Dammit. It’s supposed to say “…hop off that fence”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 11:59 am #

      I might let you lick my eyeballs, but only because it’s you.

      • calahan 11/18/2012 at 3:43 pm #

        Me or Weebs? I will fight Weebs for that honor (and then be kind of disgusted with myself because licking eyeballs is not even something I want to.)

  17. speaker7 11/17/2012 at 5:07 am #

    I don’t know…I think you could have made a love connection with that cat in a santa’s cap. I’ve blocked out most of my one-time dates. I vaguely recall on one date having a completely awkward time and the guy asking “can i have a kiss?” and me giving a look back that read “were you not just on the same date as me?” and getting out of the car before it came to a complete stop. Ah…love.

    • aliceatwonderland 11/17/2012 at 1:46 pm #

      Yeah, that reminds me of unibrow guy. He was a blind date and we saw a Steven Segal movie and I said I didn’t like it so he proceeded to explain it to me. Yeah, thanks.

      • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 11:58 am #

        He took you to a Steven Segal movie AND tried to explain it to you? That guy should go to jail.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 11:57 am #

      I have a theory that guys in the dating world are all gamblers. Some only go for the sure bet, but some guys like the to take the long odds. The guy who tried to kiss you was taking a 10000:1 shot.

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