Archive | Advice RSS feed for this section

All Good Things Must Come To An End

24 Feb

This is a post about a breakup, my breakup. A breakup I’ve rarely discussed save a few long discussions with key people in my life. A breakup which started with love, and ended with love.

“A” and I met during transitional periods in our lives. I had some serious emotional issues I was dealing with, and he was beginning his journey of self-discovery. I was growing healthy while he was growing up. We were (and still are) different in many ways, but we were able to use those differences to help one another during a time when we really needed another we could call home.

A is a wonderful man. He is intelligent, loyal, trustworthy, compassionate, a great listener, understanding, forgiving, funny, attractive, fun, supportive, romantic, and a laundry list of other things you’d want a mate to be. I would look at other people’s partners and think, “What an idiot. I’m lucky to have A.”

We did all the things couple should do if they want to stay together. We communicated our thoughts and feelings. We resolved all of our issues instead of sweeping them under the rug. We hugged and kissed often. We practiced random acts of romance for the other. We always had fun, and believed in living a life of adventure. We never let “being right” become more important than being in love. We’d admit when we were wrong, and apologized when necessary.

As everyone knows, relationships are complicated. There are times when a breakup is the obvious choice, and people hang on by the skin of their teeth as they destroy each other. There are times when a relationship is copacetic, and the people in it find themselves having the “I think it’s over” discussion. There are reasons and seasons for everything, and I’m beginning to understand this more and more as I mature.

There wasn’t one thing that ended our relationship. No big fight, no act of betrayal, no dramatic event. It was a simple conversation we had sitting on the living room floor of our apartment. One of us spoke first, and the other agreed. Our relationship was over. Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Call Me

20 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 20

Topic: Why don’t men call when they say they’re going to

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I feel like I’ve talked a lot about relationship stuff during NaNoWriNO. I’ve definitely had fun with it, and am happy for all of the suggestions I get. Still, it’s like calling your dentist and asking her to come fix the electrical wiring in your house. It’s best to leave that to a professional.

Women have been frustrated for years (decades? centuries?) over the “ask for my number and never call” bit that men do. You’re flirting with a guy at the bar, he says he’ll be in touch, and then you never hear from him. “Why?”

The better question is, “Who cares?” I only date good guys, and that’s not an accident. I don’t waste my time on guys who play mind games, use the words “fun” and “casual” when talking about relationships, and don’t call when they say they’re going to. If that’s their version of impressing me, imagine how they’ll be when we’re comfortable.

If you’ve given your number to a guy, and he hasn’t called yet, here are some things you can do to occupy your time:

Watch a little educational programming

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Dickorating

13 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal. Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions

————————————————————————————————————————————–

I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Mating Call: Men

6 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 6

Topic: Dating – part deux

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.

I’m sure none all of you are wondering how to land a hot mess lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.

Drunkin’ Donuts

Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing: Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Facebook Fouls

6 Jun

My post-dump sexiness

Nobody tell my boyfriend, but I’m in love with another. It makes me laugh with its witty memes. It keeps me updated on current events by directing me to news stories. It reminds me of birthdays and upcoming events. It doesn’t mind that I semi-stalk friends of friends. This lover has a name– Facebook.

But as much as I love Facebook, there are obvious drawbacks to the site: it’s a huge time waster, the new layout is mediocre at best, and perhaps the worst of all, some of your friends will really begin to annoy the crap out of you. Maybe you didn’t realize how much your friend from college griped about her children, or that your father-in-law should be an honorary member of the Klu Klux Klan. Thanks to Facebook, now you do.

Some Facebook offenses are definitely worse than others. I know someone who told his wife he was divorcing her by posting it to her wall. Another person e-mailed all of her ex-boyfriend’s contacts (myself included) to tell us how he sucked his thumb after sex. These are egregious and rare occurrences on Facebook; most of the offenses are far more subtle.

Man (or woman) in the mirror.

I can’t think of a place I’d want to take a picture less than in my bathroom. This is where you abandon what you ate for lunch, and somehow it is inspiring many of you to perform photo shoots starring you and a Smartphone. You brush your teeth in the bathroom. You take a shower in the bathroom. Some of you even groom your pubes in there. You don’t snap sexy pictures in the middle of a room which has particles of urine and dead skin cells floating around in it. Do what normal people do and learn how to use the self-timer feature so you can take a picture in front of a tree or a Burger King or anywhere else the world doesn’t equate with bowel movements. With so many of you wearing swimsuits in your photos I would have expected to see more poolside shots. Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Dog’s Life

28 Mar

Chillin' like a villian
Credit: My mad photo skills

A woman I work with recently went on a trip, and asked me if I could watch her dog while she was gone. The dog comes to the office with her so it wasn’t a total stretch to ask me to dog sit for a few days. Still, you have to seriously question anyone who feels comfortable leaving their pet, child or elderly relative in my care.

We had a great time while she stayed with us. We did all of the typical things I expected: we went for walks,  did doodie duty, fed her, and let her wake us up at an ungodly hour on the weekend. What I didn’t expect was that her brief stay with us would be peppered with wisdom only a dog could dispense.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Very Tonic New Year

20 Jan

In my previous article I discussed New Year’s Resolutions, and how typical resolutions bore me to tears. I suggested we should break away from the norm, and dare to do something different this year.  Normal resolutions are so vague (I want to be healthier, I want to travel, I want to read….stuff) that it’s no wonder 25% of us have already fallen off the bandwagon after the first week.

If we focus on a series of specific goals rather than unclear ideas, we’ll have a better chance of succeeding. This is why I thought long and hard about what I wanted to achieve this year.  After eliminating things such as “Drinking until I’m better looking” and “French kissing at least 50% of Hall & Oates” I came up with what I consider to be a pretty great list of things to accomplish.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →