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Tag Archives: humor

House of Cards

NaNoWriNO Day 27

Topic: Greeting cards- the final frontier

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I didn’t intend to do another set of greeting cards as I have already done two posts like this during NaNoWriNO. In the comments section of the last post like this, a few of you requested specific/customized cards. How can I possibly say no? You guys have been kind enough to read this crap every single day for a month, the least I can do is give back a little.

To old wife from new wife (requested by UndercoverL)

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Tags: christmas, funny greeting cards, hooked on tonic, humor, mother's day card for bad mom, snarky birthday card, thanksgiving

Comments 81 Comments
Categories Misc., NaNoWriNo

Speaker of the Devil

21 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 21

Topic: What happened to Speakers 1-6?

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I’m not going to lie to you, I have a major lady crush on Speaker7. From the first time I read her I said, “Jen, you will make that woman yours even if it means having to purchase chloroform and zip ties. Fast forward a few months, and she created a twitter account just so she could follow me. Love is in the air!

Despite our budding romance, there is very little that I know about her. She’s a lady and has hair and likes reading smut and might have a car. Who is she? Where did she come from? Her life is shrouded in mystery.

The topic suggestion challenged me to figure out what happened to Speakers 1-6, but I think this was just to throw me off the trail. It is my belief that Speakers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are all the same person, and this person is hellbent on world domination.

Speaker Identity #1: Madame Weebles

They’re both foulmouthed. They are both fantastic bloggers. They both attracted me with their animal magnetism. They both have legions of followers who scream like little girls when they publish new posts. I don’t know that the world could handle the sheer awesomeness of two people like this existing.

The resemblance is uncanny

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Tags: anderson cooper, Dr. Phil is an anal wart with a mustache, el james, fifty shades of grey, hugo, humor, levar burton, Madame Weebles, speaker7, timm gunn

Comments 58 Comments
Categories Misc., NaNoWriNo

Call Me

20 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 20

Topic: Why don’t men call when they say they’re going to

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I feel like I’ve talked a lot about relationship stuff during NaNoWriNO. I’ve definitely had fun with it, and am happy for all of the suggestions I get. Still, it’s like calling your dentist and asking her to come fix the electrical wiring in your house. It’s best to leave that to a professional.

Women have been frustrated for years (decades? centuries?) over the “ask for my number and never call” bit that men do. You’re flirting with a guy at the bar, he says he’ll be in touch, and then you never hear from him. “Why?”

The better question is, “Who cares?” I only date good guys, and that’s not an accident. I don’t waste my time on guys who play mind games, use the words “fun” and “casual” when talking about relationships, and don’t call when they say they’re going to. If that’s their version of impressing me, imagine how they’ll be when we’re comfortable.

If you’ve given your number to a guy, and he hasn’t called yet, here are some things you can do to occupy your time:

Watch a little educational programming

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Tags: 50 shade of grey, farmville, humor, is it tea you're looking for, matthew gray gubler modeling photos, miss south carolina, Relationships, shake weight, why don't men call

Comments 82 Comments
Categories Advice, NaNoWriNo, Relationships

Hallmark My Words

18 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 18

Topic: Greeting cards – Part 2

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What do Charles Bukowski, E. E. Cummings, Langston Hughes and Jen and Tonic have in common? They are all amazing poets who have not only gifted the world with their words, but also with their incredibly sexy bodies.

My Poetic License post seemed to be a hit, and really showcased how versatile and talented and ridiculously funny I am as a writer. Who else could marry herpes and Slurpees in the form of a sympathy card? A GENIUS.

Ready for Round 2? I am.

For the happy husband on his wedding day

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Tags: anniversary card, famous poets, funny greeting cards, graduation card, hallmark ain't got nothin' on this bitch, hooked on tonic, humor, wedding card

Comments 67 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Relationships

Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses

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A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

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Tags: bugs want to nest in my ear, garbage disposal ate my hand, humor, I'm totally neurotic, mr. bitch mittens, paging dr. freud, serial killer behind the shower curtain, strange fears

Comments 93 Comments
Categories All About Me, NaNoWriNo

Elements Of The Periodic Table

14 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Topic: Menstrual Cycles

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“Are you on your period?” Never have five simple words gotten under a woman’s skin more, and caused a world of hurt for so many men. While some inquire with good intentions, others flippantly ask this whenever the woman in their life seems unhappy with something.

I believe that most guys aren’t callous and insensitive; rather, they’re ignorant to how unbelievably uncomfortable riding the crimson wave can be. They don’t understand the severity of the situation, and because of this, treat it as a joke. Well, I’m here to dispel any misconceptions they may have about what actually happens when Aunt Flo comes to town.

The Cramps

I really resent when a man says, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re exaggerating.” Challenge accepted, good sir. At the end of each month I am going to come to your house, and use your Vas Deferens as a swing set. Nonstop. Until you wish you were born a woman. I would only stop once you begged for Midol, a heating pad, and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping.

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Tags: humor, I'm on my period give me chocolate, meanwhile in my uterus, my boobs are swollen, periods fart are awful, periods will be known as shark week, PMS is a biznitch, side effects of PMS, Women, your fart killed my bear

Comments 82 Comments
Categories All About Me, No Shame, Women Shtuff

Dickorating

13 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

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I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal. Continue reading →

Tags: donald pump, dos and don't of manscaping, ear hair, happy trail, humor, Land of Magical Humps, manscaping, penazzling, unibrow, your hairshake brings all the girls to the yard, zipper ripper

Comments 92 Comments
Categories Advice, NaNoWriNo

Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions

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I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

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Tags: bad fashion, crocs, Do you think you're russell crowe, galdiator sandals, harem pants, humor, juicy coutour tracksuits, skinny jeans, worst fashion trends, you look like a genie, your outfit makes me wanna hurl

Comments 109 Comments
Categories Advice, Misc., NaNoWriNo

Fumblerooski

8 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 8

Topic: Lingerie football

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Fumblerooski is the name of a trick play in American football. It occurs when the quarterback places the ball on the ground after the snap, technically fumbling it. He and the running backs run in one direction, and the right guard picks it up and runs in the opposite direction. It’s a play that was made famous in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and is now banned in the National Football League.

I feel like a trick has been played on me! When this topic was suggested, I had no idea what I was getting into. I initially thought I might be writing about lingerie with football-related imagery printed on it. Then I thought it may be term for women who played football in their underwear.

I did a simple Google image search, and was not expecting this: Continue reading →

Tags: 1984 orange bowl, american football, fumblerooski, humor, lingerie football, nfl, sports, what am I doing with my life, why is that football naked

Comments 55 Comments
Categories Misc., NaNoWriNo

Mating Call: Men

6 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 6

Topic: Dating – part deux

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Yesterday I dropped a little dating knowledge on my lady Hooked on Tonics, and thought it was only fair to do the same for men. I’ll admit, that post was a bit difficult to write because when I went through the list of offensive things I’ve done on dates, there was enough to create a trilogy. I had to narrow it down to what normal women should or shouldn’t be doing on dates.

I’m sure ~~none~~ all of you are wondering how to land a ~~hot mess~~ lady like me. Despite my obvious animal magnetism, and raw sex appeal, getting my attention isn’t as hard you’d think. All you need to do is shower regularly, have a pulse, and abide by the following guidelines.

Drunkin’ Donuts

Having a cocktail on a date is totally acceptable, and can be a good way for both parties to loosen up and feel a bit more comfortable. It’s when one drink turns into five drinks, and you’re doing body shots off of a cougar you met while fetching your date a drink that it becomes an issue. The night will end with you wetting your pants while crying about your dad not hugging you enough as a child, and she’ll end up removing her Match.com profile as soon as she gets home. Jen approved alcohol consumption: The moment you get the urge to dance on the bar top to “She’s My Cherry Pie” it’s time to cut yourself off.