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Feliz Cumpleaños

26 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 26

Topic: My Birthday

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On Thanksgiving Day in 1981, a very pregnant Mexican woman (along with her feathered-haired Caucasian husband) stumbled into a hospital, and gave birth to a baby girl. They looked at her and said, “What do we call this amazing gift to humanity?” They named her Jen and Tonic.

Fast forward 31 years. Today is my birthday.

When I think about being alive for 31 years, it kind of blows my mind. I mean, I’m older than some modern day inventions:

  • Windows operating system
  • Apple Macintosh
  • Disposable cameras
  • Digital cellular phones
  • Viagra (I’m older than dinosaur boners!)
  • High-def television
  • HTTP and HTML
  • Disposable contact lenses

Basically, I’m farting dust these days. Continue reading →

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Deuces Wild

24 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 24

Topic: Colon Hydrotherapy

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I  decided to take a much-needed vacation from a former (writing) stomping ground, and to my surprise, my absence did not go unnoticed. When I got back I had e-mails, notes in the Newsroom, and offline messages on Yahoo Messenger asking where I had been. Many theories were tossed around. Had I finally been institutionalized? Did I run off with the men of Thunder Down Under? Had I suffered a major brain freeze from a Slurpee-gone-wrong? Another writer threw out the possibility that a poo expert on the site (yes, we had one) had kidnapped me, and performed massive amounts of crap extraction on my colon.

Luckily, I was safe from harm, but an idea was sparked. Not having any shame, or ladylike tendencies for that matter, I resolved to leave my fecal matter in the hands of a perfect stranger. I began to research the process of Colon Hydrotherapy, its benefits, and reputable places where it could be performed. I decided on a place near my work, and made an appointment with a woman named Irina for the next week.

I tossed and turned at night over the next few days. Visions of Sugar Turds danced in my head. I could not believe I was willing to part with something that was such a fundamental part of me. I began to wonder who this woman was, and why I was going to allow this professional stool stealer to take what was rightfully mine away from me. I blamed her flashy website, something that had gotten me in to trouble many times before. This is exactly how I became a lifelong member of the Shannon Doherty fan club.

The morning of the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I could hear faint cries coming from my colon, begging me to reconsider my hasty decision. I drank away my sorrows at the local Starbucks, and decided to be strong. I had made my decision, and I did not care what my poop thought about it! Continue reading →

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Writing and Radio

23 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 23

Topic: Writing and radio

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My time on WordPress almost never came to be. When I first started posting my ramblings for the entire internet to see, I was writing for another website. I spent four years there, and through a series of dramatic events, I left. I saw the writing on the wall well before my departure, and started this blog so I would have a place to put my stuff.

After I left, others started leaving for similar reasons to mine. We decided we needed a new home where writers could network and chat and post their stuff and support each other in their writing endeavors.

Expats Post was born.

This is a very meaningful project for me. When I first started writing, I didn’t believe I was a real writer. I didn’t think people would take you seriously if you used cuss words, or talked about your bowel movements.

My beginning pieces on the old site sucked donkey balls, but the other writers were still encouraging. They told me what they liked, and  didn’t troll me hardcore even though they totally could have. This gave me the confidence to continue sharing all of the noise going on in my head.

I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for these people, I wouldn’t have continued writing for anyone other than myself. I would have had a collection of very funny diaries. Community, in my opinion, is a very important part of a writer’s journey. Continue reading →

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Live Long and Prosper

19 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 19

Topic: The meaning of life

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Credit: youthvoices.net

An anonymous person e-mailed me, and the only thing the e-mail said was, “For your blog challenge you need to figure out the meaning of life.” Oh, is that all? Sounds like a piece of cake.

I’m not sure what this person is looking for. Spiritual guidance? Answers for a research paper? Stuff that can be used to impress someone he/she is trying to woo. If so, this is the wrong place for that.

Still, I kind of like the challenge. This is like the time someone said I couldn’t drink a bottle of tequila and finish an entire large pizza by myself. I rocked the dare, and completed it in less than an hour. This will be just like that, but with a lot less vomiting afterwards.

So what is the meaning of life? I started thinking about how love is obviously at the center of life. No, it’s hope. Maybe happiness? Truth. Free will. Mindfulness. Morality.

Well, damn.

Then I started thinking about my life, and what gives it meaning. I realized it’s not one thing, it’s a multitude of things. It’s deeply personal. It’s about my values and desires. It’s about about living every day in a way that would make me proud of the life I’ve lived if I died tomorrow.

Here’s how I choose to live my life: Continue reading →

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Love Connection

17 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 17

Topic: Dating Shenanigans

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I’m a long-term relationship girl. I’m not commitment-minded in the least bit, but every few years someone comes along, and we somehow end up in a pretty serious relationship. It goes something like this: we meet, we’re friends, he tells me he loves me, we try dating, and then we’re heading to Ikea to pick out our new couch.

Still, I’ve been on actual dates. You know, the ones where you shave your legs for the first time in a month, and you eat a salad at dinner, and then you wait for him to call you? At least I think that’s how it goes. I wouldn’t know because I just wear jeans to hide my leg stubble, order a steak, and then never wait by the phone because I barely remembered I went on a date.

There was a period in my life when I went on so many “one date only” dates that it felt like being stuck in an episode of Love Connection.

Chuck Woolery, matchmaking badass

Let’s meet some of my potential suitors, shall we? Continue reading →

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Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses

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A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

Continue reading →

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Tears of a Clown

15 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 15

Topic: Third Life Crisis

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This topic wasn’t suggested, but I thought I’d give myself a pass and write about it anyway. It’s something happening in my life, and is something I really need to get off my chest. Additionally, this is my blog and I’m a tyrant.

The truth is, I’ve been in some strange downward spiral over the last few months. Maybe it’s more of a sadness black hole I’m being sucked into. Whatever it is, I want so badly to get off this train to crazy town already.

It’s not one thing plaguing me. Some people can identify that it’s their job or relationship or financial situation. Mine is…everything. I suffer from anxiety, and have a history of depression. It’s mostly under control thanks to coping mechanisms I’ve acquired over the years, but it occasionally creeps up on me. It feels like a ton of bricks crashing down on me, and then having a steamroller come by and run my ass over.

Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about everything. I’m sure I’m going to get laid-off at work. I’m sure my parents are disappointed in me. I’m sure I didn’t pay all of my bills on time. I’m sure I didn’t lock the front door. I once got out of bed at 4 in the morning and brushed my teeth twice because I had eaten candy earlier in the night, and was convinced my teeth would fall out overnight if I didn’t. Anxiety is the mistress you wish would stop calling your house. Continue reading →

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Elements Of The Periodic Table

14 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 14

Topic: Menstrual Cycles

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“Are you on your period?” Never have five simple words gotten under a woman’s skin more, and caused a world of hurt for so many men. While some inquire with good intentions, others flippantly ask this whenever the woman in their life seems unhappy with something.

I believe that most guys aren’t callous and insensitive; rather, they’re ignorant to how unbelievably uncomfortable riding the crimson wave can be. They don’t understand the severity of the situation, and because of this, treat it as a joke. Well, I’m here to dispel any misconceptions they may have about what actually happens when Aunt Flo comes to town.

The Cramps

I really resent when a man says, “Come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re exaggerating.” Challenge accepted, good sir. At the end of each month I am going to come to your house, and use your Vas Deferens as a swing set. Nonstop. Until you wish you were born a woman. I would only stop once you begged for Midol, a heating pad, and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping.

Continue reading →

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Freshly Pressed: An Interview With Mr. Mary

30 Oct

Mr. Mary over at A Spoonful of Suga invited me to do a post-Freshly Pressed interview with him. I think this means we’re sorta kinda dating now, so go check it out!

mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins's avatarASpoonfulofSuga

Of the thousands of bloggers who continue to feed the capitalistic machinations of WordPress, only a few are chosen for the distinct honor of being Freshly Pressed. While my writing has never won me the honor of being Freshly Pressed, my imaginative sexual advances have won me a few moments with the unusually tantalizing Jen, the author of the recently Freshly Pressed Blog Sips of Jen and Tonic. This interview is part of an  ongoing study I am conducting . I am trying to see to what extent does being FreshlyPressed changes someone. This first interview takes place a few days after Jen has been Freshly Pressed. Enjoy

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Question 1: How does it feel to Be freshly Pressed ? When I think of Freshly Pressed I am brought back to the Massengil and Summer’s Eve commercials of my Youth. Do you feel bathed by the waves of cleanliness and titillated…

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WKRP Portland

19 Sep

A few days ago I posted about my opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream of torturing the masses via radio, and it finally happened! I must admit I was a little nervous, but the host assured me it would all work out. He advised me to drink hot tea, and send him topless photos to calm my nerves.

My pumpkin brings all the boys to the yard
Credit: FaceInHole

Quite a few people showed up in the chat room, and I even had two callers. Granted, one of them was my parole officer asking me why I haven’t checked in with him in months, but still! The show was great fun, and I’d totally do it again if asked.

Some of you mentioned wanting a link to the broadcast since you weren’t able to make it. You can listen to the full show here.

For those who want to explore the links which were mentioned in the show:

Expats Post  (Excuse us while we’re under construction!)

“Lasagna With A Side of Advice” post

Bill Friday’s website

Radio show facebook fan page

If any of you are interested in becoming a member on Expats Post, or want to know more about the radio show, you can e-mail me at SipsofJenandTonic@gmail.com.

Thanks Lovers!

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