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Live Long and Prosper

19 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 19

Topic: The meaning of life

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Credit: youthvoices.net

An anonymous person e-mailed me, and the only thing the e-mail said was, “For your blog challenge you need to figure out the meaning of life.” Oh, is that all? Sounds like a piece of cake.

I’m not sure what this person is looking for. Spiritual guidance? Answers for a research paper? Stuff that can be used to impress someone he/she is trying to woo. If so, this is the wrong place for that.

Still, I kind of like the challenge. This is like the time someone said I couldn’t drink a bottle of tequila and finish an entire large pizza by myself. I rocked the dare, and completed it in less than an hour. This will be just like that, but with a lot less vomiting afterwards.

So what is the meaning of life? I started thinking about how love is obviously at the center of life. No, it’s hope. Maybe happiness? Truth. Free will. Mindfulness. Morality.

Well, damn.

Then I started thinking about my life, and what gives it meaning. I realized it’s not one thing, it’s a multitude of things. It’s deeply personal. It’s about my values and desires. It’s about about living every day in a way that would make me proud of the life I’ve lived if I died tomorrow.

Here’s how I choose to live my life: Continue reading →

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Hallmark My Words

18 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 18

Topic: Greeting cards – Part 2

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What do Charles Bukowski, E. E. Cummings, Langston Hughes and Jen and Tonic have in common? They are all amazing poets who have not only gifted the world with their words, but also with their incredibly sexy bodies.

My Poetic License post seemed to be a hit, and really showcased how versatile and talented and ridiculously funny I am as a writer. Who else could marry herpes and Slurpees in the form of a sympathy card? A GENIUS.

Ready for Round 2? I am.

For the happy husband on his wedding day

Continue reading →

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Love Connection

17 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 17

Topic: Dating Shenanigans

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I’m a long-term relationship girl. I’m not commitment-minded in the least bit, but every few years someone comes along, and we somehow end up in a pretty serious relationship. It goes something like this: we meet, we’re friends, he tells me he loves me, we try dating, and then we’re heading to Ikea to pick out our new couch.

Still, I’ve been on actual dates. You know, the ones where you shave your legs for the first time in a month, and you eat a salad at dinner, and then you wait for him to call you? At least I think that’s how it goes. I wouldn’t know because I just wear jeans to hide my leg stubble, order a steak, and then never wait by the phone because I barely remembered I went on a date.

There was a period in my life when I went on so many “one date only” dates that it felt like being stuck in an episode of Love Connection.

Chuck Woolery, matchmaking badass

Let’s meet some of my potential suitors, shall we? Continue reading →

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Paging Dr. Freud

16 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 16

Topic: Neuroses

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A friend of mine suggested I talk about this topic as I’m well-known for being a “functional neurotic” amongst my friends. We decided it was best we didn’t use his real name on this blog so we’ll call him Mr. Bitch Mittens for the sake of the post. He has an important job and a savings account and a suit and other things he thinks make him fancy.

The following is an actual conversation I had with him years back:

MBM: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’m typing an e-mail to myself.

MBM: Another list?

Me: No, not a list. I’m typing a note to the police in case I go missing.

MBM: Are you planning on being kidnapped and held for ransom?

Me: I’m going to volunteer today, and I’ve never been to this place. It might be a crack den filled with gun runners who will harvest my organs. I want to leave behind a note so if I do go missing, the police will search my e-mails and find clues.

MBM: I thought you were volunteering at a senior citizen center?

Me: OR a crack den. You just never know.

Seems legit. I’m not sure if this is a result of watching too much informational programming, or my overactive imagination, but my mind is like a bad acid trip without the beautiful hallucinations. My neuroses don’t hinder my everyday life, but they do make people wonder if I’m acting out a character from a Woody Allen film.

I believe bugs are desperate to make my ears their future colony sites

You guys, I’m serious. Bugs want to crawl into your ears and make homes for themselves. If you think about it, they’re the perfect place to live. No down payment, tons of privacy, and the occasional streaming of music directly into the ear canal. I’ve decided to combat this by never killing a bug that enters my home. I trap them and take them outside, hoping that they’ll go forth and spread word of my benevolence all around the bug kingdom. “Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!” (Roughly translated to: “She didn’t squash Eddie even though she had the chance. We should find someone else to nest in.”)

Sleep peacefully knowing an ant farm isn’t building in your brain

Continue reading →

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Dickorating

13 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 13

Topic: Manscaping

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I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t that excited about picking this topic. I’m at a huge disadvantage as I only get to see a penis once every blue moon, and that’s only after trolling Craigslist for desperate men who say they’ll show me a good time if I provide Zimas and the smooth sounds of Chicago.

Zima: the choice of internet virgins everywhere

Luckily, manscaping encompasses so much more than a man’s Zipper Ripper. They grow hair out of every orifice (don’t think I haven’t looked when you bend over naked!) so there is actually a ton of material to work with here.

The Dos

Ear Hair. If your ears look like planter boxes growing lemongrass, it’s time to take a trimmer to them. Unless you’re attempting to create an organic sound barrier, or mimic a cartoon character who has just lost his temper, remove the terrarium growing in your ear canal. Continue reading →

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Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions

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I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

Continue reading →

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Occupational Hazards

11 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 11

Topic: What I do for a living

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Credit: ENDO Gun Blog

A few years back I had a job that was slowly sucking the life out of me. My boss was certifiably insane, I was pushing paper all day, and the buzzing of the fluorescent lights nearly drove me over the edge. My cubicle offered me a beautiful view of a dead plant, and sometimes I’d get to bask in the scent of Marlboro Reds and Jack Daniels from a coworker who would stop to unload his drama on the guy sitting in the space next to mine. There were days when tying a noose around my neck and ending it all seemed less painful than that place.

I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands and find another source of income. I didn’t have anything specific in mind, just something that would pay the bills and help me avoid feeling jazzed about a hanging death. Let me tell you, when you leave the range this wide open you’ll end up doing some messed up stuff.

My first encounter was an advertisement from a local university offering $500 to participate in a study. I called in, they asked me a few questions about my mental health history, and said they’d call me back. I received a call 10 minutes later. It’s never a good sign when a place that just asked you questions about your mental stability is anxious to call you back. Continue reading →

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The Golden Homegirls

10 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?

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It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.

Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.

When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”

I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.

Round 1: Blanche Devaraux

Continue reading →

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All The World’s A Stage

9 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 9

Topic: Actor/Actress who makes me smile, and how I would behave if I met him/her

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“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players, They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts”

I’ve always loved this snippet from William Shakespeare’s As You Like It (Act II, Scene VII) because I find it to be such a succinct way of describing life. I love seeing myself, or a particular period of my life, in books or plays or movies or songs. It’s like making a human connection with someone even though there is nobody there to have that connection with.

Truth be told, I’ve never really been impacted emotionally by an actor or actress. They make a living off of convincing audiences they are anyone but who they really are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some of them are very nice people, but I’ve never had the desire to thank them for playing make believe.

I may not get something from the person behind the character, but I have definitely taken something away from the character itself. I’m not sure why the following quotes are among my favorites of all time. Perhaps they are so powerful that they touched everyone who watched the movie, or it could be that they were exactly what I needed to hear at the time. I just know that these moments, with these characters, left an imprint in my mind.

“I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can’t remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world’s still there. Do I believe the world’s still there? Is it still out there?… Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different.” – Leonard Shelby in Memento

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” – Christopher McCandless in Into the Wild

“I never realize how much I like being home unless I’ve been somewhere really different for a while.” Juno MacGuff in Juno

“I’ll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.” – Claudia Wilson Gator in Magnolia

“Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you, ‘You shouldn’t regret anything.’ Don’t do that, don’t! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want.” – Earl Patridge in Magnolia

“Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.” – Dan Burns in Dan in Real Life

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.” Red in The Shawshank Redemption

“…we live or die by the clock. We never turn our back on it. And we never, ever allow ourselves the sin of losing track of time. – Chuck Noland in Cast Away

“…there’s a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature.” – General Corman in Apocalypse Now

If I could thank these characters, I certainly would. My reaction to meeting them would probably be something like, “Um…this is kind of weird. How are you real?” I’ll guess I’ll have to settle for seeing them while I sit on my couch in my sweats.

Now that I’ve showed you mine, you need to show me yours. Which movie characters (or movie itself) stand out in your minds?

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Thank you to Katy from Tired of Previews for suggesting this topic. She’s a movie reviewer, and just got a snazzy new site. Please check it out!

NaNoWriNO Day 8

NaNoWriNO Day 10

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Fumblerooski

8 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 8

Topic: Lingerie football

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Fumblerooski is the name of a trick play in American football. It occurs when the quarterback places the ball on the ground after the snap, technically fumbling it. He and the running backs run in one direction, and the right guard picks it up and runs in the opposite direction. It’s a play that was made famous in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and is now banned in the National Football League.

I feel like a trick has been played on me! When this topic was suggested, I had no idea what I was getting into. I initially thought I might be writing about lingerie with football-related imagery printed on it. Then I thought it may be term for women who played football in their underwear.

I did a simple Google image search, and was not expecting this: Continue reading →

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