Apologies Are In Order

22 Jan

I think I may be the neighbor from hell. I don’t throw raucous parties, or drive like one of those douchebag Audi owners through the parking lot. I pick up other people’s trash, and have even been known to say hi when I’m not daydreaming about almond croissants.

Despite my best efforts to be a decent member of society, some apologies to current and former neighbors are definitely in order.

To the neighbor who saw me topless:

Your expression really said it all. It was a mixture of pity, lust and confusion. Coincidentally, that was the same look I once gave to my reflection after eating an entire Little Caesar’s pizza by myself. I’m sure you had no idea that breasts could double as suspenders, or have so many stretch marks that it looks like there’s a freeway system tattooed on them. The truth is, puberty was not kind to me, and my breasts are now registered weapons in nine states. I guess I should’ve rushed to cover myself up, but I was pretty sure it was the last opportunity I’d ever have to show my chesticles to a man, and I had to soak it up. I’m sorry if this has stirred up a weird fetish, and your future wife finds you searching for “low-hanging tits” on the internet one day.

saggy breasts, meme, boobs, chesticles, stretch marks

Continue reading

Fools Rush In

10 Jan

There are few things that make me happier than jeans that don’t give me camel toe, Golden Girls marathons, or Slurpees. Celebrating my friends’ birthdays happens to be one of those things.

Today is the birthday of a woman who manages to turn me on and scare me at the same time. When people tell me they aren’t familiar with her blog I automatically assume they are a Communist. She has an impressive middle finger, and may be the only person whose mouth is as salty as mine. Continue reading

Fa La La Le Clown

16 Dec

There is this little blogger named Le Clown, and he runs a small operation here on WordPress called A Clown on Fire. If you don’t know of his blog I’m going to assume that this is your first day on the internet. He recently approached me to participate in a guessing game on his blog. The conversation went like this:

Le Clown: “You are the most magnificent writer on the planet, and my blog needs you.”

Me: “Duh.”

Starting today, he will be posting five holiday posts (one each day) from five different bloggers who will remain anonymous. Your job is to guess who the author of each post is. The participants are (in alphabetical order): Continue reading

Crossing the Finish Line

30 Nov

Well, I did it. I survived NaBloPoMo 2013. I honestly can’t believe that this is the last post because it seems like yesterday I was only a week in, and telling my roommate that I couldn’t imagine lasting three more weeks.

This is how I feel on the inside right now:

winner, trophy

Winner winner chicken dinner

Would I do it again? To answer that I’ll need to do a recap.

Stats

5 Writing Tips I Learned During NaBloPoMo

29 Nov

inspiration, writing, daily prompt, writers, sign, quoteNaBloPoMo is hard, ya’ll. Writing is in my blood, and yet, at this stage in the game I’m ready to throw in the towel on writing forever. I’ve fatigued my brain, and I’m sure some of you may have noticed the quality of my posts going down.

I’ve always thought NaBloPoMo would be much easier than NaNoWriNo simply because of the variety and lesser word count that it allows. What I failed to realize (for the second year in a row) is that NaBloPoMo requires 30 consecutive finished pieces rather than one piece which can be edited at a later time. In this way, it can be much more challenging.

Aside from the writing itself, it has been difficult to stay inspired. If you normally write twice a week, it would take you 15 weeks (or almost 4 months) to write 30 posts. A lot of stuff can happen in 4 months which would make for interesting blog material.

This is why learning ways to engage the “Hey that would make a good post!” side of your brain is important. Below are ways I’ve coped during this month of hell awesome blog challenge. Continue reading

No Thanks

28 Nov

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I’d like to think it’s because of the time spent with family eating good food, and giving thanks. It’s actually because I was born on Thanksgiving the year I was born, and I enjoy focusing on things relating to me.

I’m sure there will be several posts today talking about what bloggers are thankful for. People will mention their family, their health, their children. All the posts will be beautifully written, and at this point in NaBloPoMo, my brain is in meltdown mode. I can’t compete.

This is why, instead of telling you what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, I’ll just tell you what I could really do without.

Christmas Music

When most people think of hell, they imagine a fiery inferno that they’ll be enslaved in for the rest of eternity. When I think of hell, it looks like sharing a jail cell with Rush Limbaugh while Christmas music plays 24 hours a day. “Jingle Bell Rock” makes me want to kick myself in the face, and I’m pretty sure “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is the inspiration for many a serial killer. The fact that it begins playing earlier every year actually makes me think conspiracy theorists might be right, and the government may actually be practicing some form of mind control on the masses.

rush limbaugh, christmas, liberal, satan, humor Continue reading

32 Life Lessons in 32 Years

27 Nov

I’m back! Did you all miss me? My best friend had a little too much fun time guest posting yesterday. I saw him Googling “ways to overthrow your roommate and take over her blog” last night. I’m scared.

Every year on his birthday, a friend of mine publishes a list of lessons he has learned in the last year with the number of things determined by the age he’s turning. I’ve always thought this was a great idea, and wanted to celebrate my birthday this year by doing the same.

Here is the list of 32 life lessons I’ve learned (or at least finally accepted) in my 32 years of life:

  1. You always have choices in life. Your choices may suck, but you still have them.
  2. No matter how much you think someone is “The One” they aren’t if they can’t give you the relationship you need.
  3. Life is unfair at times, and bad things will happen to good people.
  4. It’s important to know when to pull the walls down, and let someone into your life.
  5. Conversely, it’s good to know when to put them up, and kick someone out of your life. Continue reading
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