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Beyond The Apocalypse

29 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 29

Topic: 2013 and beyond

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There’s this guy on WordPress named Le Clown. Haven’t heard of him? Consider yourself a (wo)man alone on an island because he’s kind of a big deal. He put up a post a couple of days ago talking about his plans for his blog in 2013, and graciously agreed to let me steal his idea and talk about what I’ll be doing on Sips of Jen and Tonic next year.

Of course, we might be getting ahead of ourselves here. If the Mayan calendars were correct, we’ll all be dust on December 21st, and any plans we had are going to explode into a fiery oblivion. What a downer those Mayans were. I’ve always had a problem with authority so I’m simply not going to let the apocalypse affect me.

Let’s start off by talking about what my plans were for 2012:

  • Money
  • World domination

All I wanted to do was make it rain

If my bank account and social status are any indication of how I did, I’d say that I didn’t meet either of those goals. On the plus side, my credit is now good enough to get a real cell phone instead of a prepaid one. Finally! A phone that isn’t endorsed by every drug dealer in the city.

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Party On

28 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 28

Topic: Rocking a party until the early light

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I was a pretty big partier back in the day. I used to enjoy frequenting soirees so crowded that you couldn’t tell where  your body parts ended, and someone else’s began. Going to a bar and destroying my liver by consuming every alcohol the establishment stocked was a weekly habit for me. I’d stay up until the sun began poking its head out, take a power nap, and then go work a full day. (Fun Jen fact: I’ve never been hungover)

Every good partier knows that you need an arsenal of supplies to make it through the night. Some people choose to carry condoms because they’re looking to score. Others choose to keep snacks on hand to avoid the dreaded dip in blood sugar. I chose to carry a more colorful array of items.

Deodorant. I don’t know where I read this (most likely Ladies Home Journal or Highlights since those were the only two publications I was reading at the time) but a magazine claimed putting deodorant on your face would prevent perspiration. As a person who sweats simply at the thought of sweating, I was excited about this. I’d be able to dance without the fear of the strobe light hitting my face, and causing onlookers to wonder if I had just finished running a marathon. Not only did it not prevent me from sweating, but it broke me out, and people kept asking me why I smelled like an armpit.

Credit: Martin Spurny

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House of Cards

27 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 27

Topic: Greeting cards- the final frontier

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I didn’t intend to do another set of greeting cards as I have already done two posts like this during NaNoWriNO. In the comments section of the last post like this, a few of you requested specific/customized cards. How can I possibly say no? You guys have been kind enough to read this crap every single day for a month, the least I can do is give back a little.

To old wife from new wife (requested by UndercoverL)

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Feliz Cumpleaños

26 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 26

Topic: My Birthday

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On Thanksgiving Day in 1981, a very pregnant Mexican woman (along with her feathered-haired Caucasian husband) stumbled into a hospital, and gave birth to a baby girl. They looked at her and said, “What do we call this amazing gift to humanity?” They named her Jen and Tonic.

Fast forward 31 years. Today is my birthday.

When I think about being alive for 31 years, it kind of blows my mind. I mean, I’m older than some modern day inventions:

  • Windows operating system
  • Apple Macintosh
  • Disposable cameras
  • Digital cellular phones
  • Viagra (I’m older than dinosaur boners!)
  • High-def television
  • HTTP and HTML
  • Disposable contact lenses

Basically, I’m farting dust these days. Continue reading →

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The Feminine Touch

25 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 25

Topic: Boxers- Men wearing them vs. Women wearing them

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When I first picked this topic, I decided to list the pros and cons of women and men wearing boxer shorts. Here’s what I came up with:

Men Pro: Airs out that general vicinity so penis doesn’t grow mold
Men Con: Sometimes penis pokes out of the flap, and unintentionally waves hello to you

Women Pro: Boxers finally get to see a vagina

Women Con: Leave terrible visible panty lines

Side by side comparison because it’s very scientific

That was it. Major suckage in the description department. After 24 days of writing posts, I was kind of ready to just dial it in, but I didn’t want to do that to you guys. So I gave it a bit more consideration.

The more I thought about women wearing boxers, the more I realized women steal men’s fashions. We’re not happy with the 1,585, 732 clothing lines dedicated to selling us stuff, we’ve got to go and takeover menswear too. We’re such clothes horses.

Neckties:

Halle Berry obviously got her “I’m seeking a raise” moves from me

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Deuces Wild

24 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 24

Topic: Colon Hydrotherapy

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I  decided to take a much-needed vacation from a former (writing) stomping ground, and to my surprise, my absence did not go unnoticed. When I got back I had e-mails, notes in the Newsroom, and offline messages on Yahoo Messenger asking where I had been. Many theories were tossed around. Had I finally been institutionalized? Did I run off with the men of Thunder Down Under? Had I suffered a major brain freeze from a Slurpee-gone-wrong? Another writer threw out the possibility that a poo expert on the site (yes, we had one) had kidnapped me, and performed massive amounts of crap extraction on my colon.

Luckily, I was safe from harm, but an idea was sparked. Not having any shame, or ladylike tendencies for that matter, I resolved to leave my fecal matter in the hands of a perfect stranger. I began to research the process of Colon Hydrotherapy, its benefits, and reputable places where it could be performed. I decided on a place near my work, and made an appointment with a woman named Irina for the next week.

I tossed and turned at night over the next few days. Visions of Sugar Turds danced in my head. I could not believe I was willing to part with something that was such a fundamental part of me. I began to wonder who this woman was, and why I was going to allow this professional stool stealer to take what was rightfully mine away from me. I blamed her flashy website, something that had gotten me in to trouble many times before. This is exactly how I became a lifelong member of the Shannon Doherty fan club.

The morning of the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I could hear faint cries coming from my colon, begging me to reconsider my hasty decision. I drank away my sorrows at the local Starbucks, and decided to be strong. I had made my decision, and I did not care what my poop thought about it! Continue reading →

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Writing and Radio

23 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 23

Topic: Writing and radio

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My time on WordPress almost never came to be. When I first started posting my ramblings for the entire internet to see, I was writing for another website. I spent four years there, and through a series of dramatic events, I left. I saw the writing on the wall well before my departure, and started this blog so I would have a place to put my stuff.

After I left, others started leaving for similar reasons to mine. We decided we needed a new home where writers could network and chat and post their stuff and support each other in their writing endeavors.

Expats Post was born.

This is a very meaningful project for me. When I first started writing, I didn’t believe I was a real writer. I didn’t think people would take you seriously if you used cuss words, or talked about your bowel movements.

My beginning pieces on the old site sucked donkey balls, but the other writers were still encouraging. They told me what they liked, and  didn’t troll me hardcore even though they totally could have. This gave me the confidence to continue sharing all of the noise going on in my head.

I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for these people, I wouldn’t have continued writing for anyone other than myself. I would have had a collection of very funny diaries. Community, in my opinion, is a very important part of a writer’s journey. Continue reading →

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Giving Thanks

22 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 22

Topic: Thanksgiving

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Thanks to the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians for inspiring this post. Let’s party like it’s 1621!
NaNoWriNO Day 21

NaNoWriNO Day 23

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Speaker of the Devil

21 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 21

Topic: What happened to Speakers 1-6?

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I’m not going to lie to you, I have a major lady crush on Speaker7. From the first time I read her I said, “Jen, you will make that woman yours even if it means having to purchase chloroform and zip ties. Fast forward a few months, and she created a twitter account just so she could follow me. Love is in the air!

Despite our budding romance, there is very little that I know about her. She’s a lady and has hair and likes reading smut and might have a car. Who is she? Where did she come from? Her life is shrouded in mystery.

The topic suggestion challenged me to figure out what happened to Speakers 1-6, but I think this was just to throw me off the trail. It is my belief that Speakers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 are all the same person, and this person is hellbent on world domination.

Speaker Identity #1: Madame Weebles

They’re both foulmouthed. They are both fantastic bloggers. They both attracted me with their animal magnetism. They both have legions of followers who scream like little girls when they publish new posts. I don’t know that the world could handle the sheer awesomeness of two people like this existing.

The resemblance is uncanny

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Call Me

20 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 20

Topic: Why don’t men call when they say they’re going to

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I feel like I’ve talked a lot about relationship stuff during NaNoWriNO. I’ve definitely had fun with it, and am happy for all of the suggestions I get. Still, it’s like calling your dentist and asking her to come fix the electrical wiring in your house. It’s best to leave that to a professional.

Women have been frustrated for years (decades? centuries?) over the “ask for my number and never call” bit that men do. You’re flirting with a guy at the bar, he says he’ll be in touch, and then you never hear from him. “Why?”

The better question is, “Who cares?” I only date good guys, and that’s not an accident. I don’t waste my time on guys who play mind games, use the words “fun” and “casual” when talking about relationships, and don’t call when they say they’re going to. If that’s their version of impressing me, imagine how they’ll be when we’re comfortable.

If you’ve given your number to a guy, and he hasn’t called yet, here are some things you can do to occupy your time:

Watch a little educational programming

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