The Measure of Success

24 May

I’ve given a lot of thought to whether or not I’m running a successful blog, especially in the last few months. I kind of abandoned it, and felt guilty for letting my readers down. I wasn’t gaining any new followers, my page views were abysmal, and my social networks had become stagnant. Fail whale.

When I first started this, I was purely driven by fame and wealth. I wanted to earn Scrooge McDuck status, making so much money I could swim in it. Eminem would write derogatory things about me in his songs, and I’d become the target of a Republican Tea Party attack. My aptly titled “Tonic” perfume would sell in Sephora stores around the world.

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Okay, so that’s a bit of a stretch. Well, except the perfume part because I really do think it’d be cool if people smelled like I do. That mix of desperation, underboob sweat, and awkward sexual tension took me years to perfect, and I just want to share it with the world. Continue reading →

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Why I Won’t Join a Gym

17 May

Before the existence of 24 Hour Fitness, Gold’s Gym, or Curves, there was this little place called “outside” that people frequented. Membership to this exclusive studio featured oxygen, scenery, and convenient access no matter where on Earth you were. You could get it all for zero dollars a month, and zero dollars in sign-up fees. If you brought a friend, you could both work out for the price of one!

I refuse to join a gym. I think it’s a racket to overcharge people to do what they could do for free, and I don’t enjoy letting strangers see my body jiggling well after I’ve stopped moving. Other reasons I hate fitness factories:

  • Having to wipe off someone else’s swamp ass from the equipment
  • Possibility of catching a foot fungus in the shower, forcing me to remove one of my toes, and become off-balance for the rest of my life
  • Witnessing guys staring at themselves in the mirror while lifting weights
  • Looking like Gollum on the treadmill while the girl with the full face of makeup next to me barely breaks a sweat
  • Watching people Facebook “gettin’ my workout on!” while bicycling slower than a sleepy toddler on a tricycle
  • Hearing the kind of grunting that should only come from women in labor
  • Feeling embarrassed for that one guy who thinks it’s okay for dudes to use elliptical machines
  • Smelling “Hansel & Gretel” body odor, the trail of stinky destruction left by a member as he/she travels around the machines

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Continue reading →

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The Time Is Now

14 May

I am in the middle of completing a vision board, a collage with images and words which embody my life’s aspirations. I don’t believe in the idea that the mere creation of the board attracts some universal juju which will make my wildest dreams come true. Rather, having this visual representation of my ambitions will remind (and motivate) me to go after the things I really want.

One of the larger items on my board is a clipping of a home as I’ve recently decided I want to buy a house by the end of 2014. Being a homeowner is a very meaningful thing for me, something that reflects the hard work I’ve done to become a stable and financially independent adult.

Just kidding. This is what my board really looks like.

Just kidding. This is what my board really looks like.

I probably could have bought a house a couple of years ago, but never really put the effort into making it happen. I wanted to be sure my job was stable (it wasn’t). I wanted to be sure my boyfriend and I were going to end up together (we didn’t). I wanted to wait until I didn’t feel nervous about making such a big purchase (never going to happen).

I’m always waiting for the perfect moment to do things, but I’ve come to realize that perfect moments don’t exist. They only exist in movies, or in what we think we see when we scroll through others’ photos on Facebook. Real life is much scarier. Continue reading →

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My Loving Locks

22 Apr

“It’s just hair.”

I said that to a friend years ago after she got, in her mind, a terrible haircut. I’ve said it dozens of times over the years to people who hate their hair, are having bad hair days, or who have suffered at the hands of an inexperienced or overzealous hairdresser. It wasn’t until my grandmother was diagnosed with Lymphoma five years ago that I realized it wasn’t just hair for some people.

My grandma underwent treatment, and began to lose her hair as many cancer patients do. Alopecia (also known as hair loss) is a side effect of radiation therapy and chemotherapy as the treatments harm the cells which cause hair to grow. It was something that was unexpectedly emotional. For who? Perhaps for all of us in our ways, but especially for her. She hated not having hair so my aunt and I picked out a wig for her so she could feel “normal” while out and about. I’m happy to report that my grandma is in full remission, and has all of her own hair now.

There is a certain helplessness a person feels when their loved one struggles with a serious illness. It is not your own battle to fight, and you are not one of the medical practitioners aiding in the treatment process. You are both directly and indirectly involved, and it leaves you feeling like there should be something more you can do. You just want to help something or someone.

I took to the internet to find my something or someone, and stumbled across Locks of Love, an organization with which I was already familiar.

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Credit: Locks of Love

Continue reading →

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Clownlandia

10 Apr

Hop on over to A Clown On Fire to read about the amazeballs visit Le Clown had to the place I call home, Portland.

Blogger Summit: Mark Your Calendars

3 Apr

As I sit here writing this post, it occurs to me that in a few months I will be face-to-face with a large number of my blogging buddies. A normal person’s reaction would be, “Wow, this is great! I will meet all the people who are better friends to me than that one strange, butthole-scratching friend I still have from high school!” Instead I’m thinking, “I’m going to have such bad diarrhea while I’m there that I should download one of those apps that helps you find bathrooms.” I’m pretty sure adult diapers have two major markets: the elderly, and those of us with social anxiety.

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Despite worrying about sharting on all of you, I’m honestly happy that this is not just an idea, but something that is actually going to happen. I hope that those of you who are opting out due to fear reconsider because I know in my heart this will be the meetup of a lifetime. Something I’ve learned over the years is that the most fun you’ll ever have usually exists outside of your comfort zone.

So, for those of you brave enough, the very first (Unofficial) WordPress Blogger Summit will be from October 25th-27th! You can’t see it, but I’m throwing confetti in the air while thrusting my hips like a Chippendales dancer.

My stage name is Lord Sexy of the Speedo Kingdom

My stage name is Lord Sexy of the Speedo Kingdom

Because we’re super duper professional, we created an Evite (online invitation) for the event so we can keep track of who is going. This might also push those of you on the fence to go because you’ll see that your blogging bestie from another testie will be there. Click here to RSVP. You’ll have to register, but it’s really simply and quick.

This is a good time to remind everyone that anyone is welcome to come to this. You can, and are encouraged to, bring outside guests. Please make sure to include the total number of people in your party when RSVPing on the Evite. You can always update this number at a later time if more/less people will be coming with you.

Becca also came up with the great idea of having a logo/blog badge/something you can tattoo on your ass created for this event. We can use it for event swag, in any future posts, or in the sidebars of our blogs. Because our definition of photoshop is using Instagram filters on all of our photos, we thought we’d ask those who are worthy to create one for us. Please submit them to Becca at 25tofly@gmail.com. We’ll be taking them for the next…month-ish?

Lastly, Becca and I would like to use you. Not like that (unless you’re into that sort of thing in which case please e-mail me.) We’d love it if you’d help spread the word about this event by writing about it on your blogs. This will help reach people who, for some unknown reason, aren’t already worshiping at the altars of Jen and Becca.

The quick and dirty details for your post:

  • Location: Austin, TX
  • Date: October 25th-27th
  • Evite link
  • They can bring guests
  • Remind them to send logo submissions to 25tofly@gmail.com

Thanks in advance to everyone who helps us out! See ya round, kiddos.

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Blogger Summit: Location Announcement

21 Mar

The Blogger Summit is really beginning to come together. You have all been so helpful in responding to the questions posed to you so far, and for that I thank you. I prefer not to strong-arm people, but I’m really good at it when necessary.

Becca and I last left with you options regarding location for the upcoming Blogger Summit. I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the results. We have a lot of people on the East and West Coasts so I thought for sure the winning location would be somewhere in those areas. Always keeping me on my toes, you collectively voted for Houston, TX.

Somewhere along the way, someone suggested that Austin may be a better location. Becca and I talked about it, and agreed hosting it in Houston’s sexier sister city would be ideal. Get excited Hooked on Tonics, it looks like Austin, TX will be the location of the very first Blogger Summit!

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I’m very excited as Austin has a slew of cool things to do and see. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m looking forward to going to Texas! Before we pop champagne bottles, there’s one big detail still left to decide, and that’s of the date for this legendary event. Continue reading →

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Matchmaker Mayhem

19 Mar

This should come as no surprise, but there are people who are worried about me. It’s not because the last time I brushed my hair Monica Lewinsky was smoking a cigar from her beef curtains. It’s not even because my I’ve begun talking about reality show characters as though they were my real friends. It’s because I’m single.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I wish my friends would stop telling me about a “great guy” they know. I appreciate the concern, I do. Everyone should be so lucky to have friends who care so much that they go out of their way to try and make you happy. My issue isn’t with their attempts at helping me find true love. My issue is that they suck at it.

I tweeted this the other day:

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It’s not fair to be critical of something if you’re not willing to help remedy it. Let’s take this time to talk about what Jen and Tonic looks for in a man. Continue reading →

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Interview with Brother Jon: Hooked on Tonics Answered for Me

15 Mar

Pop on over to BroJo’s blog and read all about my love of David Hasselhoff, how I almost turned into a Kardashian, and the part I played in the resignation of the former Pope.

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Blogger Meetup: Phase 2

4 Mar

I want to start by thanking Tracy Fulks for suggesting that we call this a Blogger Summit™ because supposedly it’ll help us on our taxes or something. Everyone go and thank her for being this group’s official CPA. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’ll have to give me extra attention since I only fill out tax forms with “EZ” at the end. What do you guys think of the name change?

I also want to thank everyone who threw in their two cents. The most frequent responses:

  • “I diarrhea in my pants just thinking about human contact so I’m out.”
  • “I’m in Canada and this meetup needs to be in a place where maple syrup is available 24/7.”
  • “Meeting you would fulfill me in a way my spouse/kids/meth can’t.”
  • “I can’t wait to meet friends I’ll end up having mediocre sex with!”
This will be my go-to pickup line

This will be my go-to pickup line

So now we move on to Phase 2. This is kind of like Miss America but without alarmingly white teeth, women butchering dance routines in bikinis, and Donald Trump. Continue reading →

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