How-to: Not Suck as a Person

24 Aug

Is it just me, or has there been an increase in annoying behavior lately? Everywhere I turn there are people who display behavior which makes me cringe, scratch my head, or tear my hair out. I always wonder if the offenders know they’re committing these small acts of insanity, or if it seems normal in their worlds.

So how do you know if the rest of the world looks at you and thinks, “Wow, you suck!” There are the obvious things: abusive behavior, committing criminal acts, substance abuse. Then there are the things that should be punishable offenses (why isn’t eating Spam illegal yet?) but aren’t heinous enough to make the cut.

I’ve gone to the liberty of putting together a list of 50 guidelines we can all follow (hey, I’m not excluded) which will help bring our collective “suckage quotient” down a few notches.

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A Straight Shot to the Babymaker

10 Aug

Credit: Kent Marshall

I don’t have any children, and I don’t know that they’re really in the cards for me. A long time ago I decided that parenting seemed like too much effort; in recent years, I’ve realized I can barely take care of myself, let alone another person. I have enough trouble assembling Ikea furniture so imagine how I feel about putting together a human from scratch.

I don’t receive pressure from family or friends as one would expect; no, I receive pressure from casual acquaintances and strangers. If I have to hear what a “special gift” parenting is from some random person one more time, I’m going to rip out my fallopian tubes and strangle them with it. I don’t consider being saddled with a lifelong commitment to someone who will take more than they give a special gift. If I wanted that, I’d get back together with my ex-boyfriend.

Let’s assume I could guarantee that I’d have awesome kids: they could throw lightning bolts, bring me snacks using only the power of their minds, and clean up after themselves without being asked. I still wouldn’t want them. Why? Well, I’m afraid of becoming one of those parents.

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Open Letter: Bristol Palin

2 Aug

Dear Bristol Palin,

We need to have a talk, woman to woman. Now, I’m normally not one to get into the lives of politicians’ children because it’s cruel to take shots at people who were thrust into the public eye, but you’re a different story. Ever since your family rode in to the political picture you’ve been chasing the spotlight, and it’s high time you exited stage left.

You recently took it upon yourself to pen a memoir which, I have to be honest, sort of surprised me. I didn’t know anyone in your family was fully literate let alone knew what the word memoir meant. I guess stranger things have happened. You know, like Rebecca Black’s success.

I pride myself on being a fair person so I put aside all of my preconceived notions about you, and read some of the excerpts from your book which were posted online. My mind was blown by the juicy tidbits about your life….because I put a gun to it and pulled the trigger. Only sweet, merciful death could release me from the banality of your drivel.

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Open Letter: Hipsters

28 Jun

Dear Hipsters,

I used to be really fond of you guys. I thought your love of vinyl records was pretty cool. When you brought back wayfarers I shouted with joy. I appreciated your efforts to inform others about the importance of recycling. I adored that you rocked Chucks, my footwear of choice.

Then, somewhere along the way, you became annoying. We’re not talking about the kind of annoying where I can count to ten and go to my happy place. It’s not the type of annoying where you go for a short walk and all is forgotten. I’m talking about the kind of annoying that makes a person want to punch unicorns in the face.

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