Open Letter: Bristol Palin

Dear Bristol Palin,

We need to have a talk, woman to woman. Now, I’m normally not one to get into the lives of politicians’ children because it’s cruel to take shots at people who were thrust into the public eye, but you’re a different story. Ever since your family rode in to the political picture you’ve been chasing the spotlight, and it’s high time you exited stage left.

You recently took it upon yourself to pen a memoir which, I have to be honest, sort of surprised me. I didn’t know anyone in your family was fully literate let alone knew what the word memoir meant. I guess stranger things have happened. You know, like Rebecca Black’s success.

I pride myself on being a fair person so I put aside all of my preconceived notions about you, and read some of the excerpts from your book which were posted online. My mind was blown by the juicy tidbits about your life….because I put a gun to it and pulled the trigger. Only sweet, merciful death could release me from the banality of your drivel.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret that the entire universe is whispering about right now- you are not a writer, nor is your life relevant in any way. Toni Morrison is a gifted author who has finely honed her craft. Stephen Hawking has influenced the world in a way that will not be forgotten. You are someone who jumped on her mother’s coattails and rode them right into a publishing house.

I’m personally offended by some of the things you wrote about in your book. Your assumption that the intelligence quotient of the general population is that of the average member of your household is insulting. If you thought any of us would buy what you’re selling you’re more naïve than everyone who thought your mother and John McCain were viable candidates during the 2008 Presidential election.

The story of your love affair with Levi Johnston is one told throughout the history of man. Girl meets boy. Boy shoots spitballs, punches kids in class, and talks badly about girl’s brother. Girl swoons. Boy writes a note which asks, “Will u be my gurl?” Girl falls head over heels because nothing says love quite like spit, disrespect and bad grammar.

Not since the story of the Immaculate Conception have I heard someone claim a pregnancy wasn’t their fault. That story works one time in history, and someone called dibs on it thousands of years ago. Your story of drinking too much and having sex in a cramped space with someone your parents would hate isn’t sympathetic. I know you referred to that debacle as the moment your virginity was stolen, but in the real world we call that a college student’s typical Saturday night.

You also lamented about how hurtful it was to hear that Levi had gotten another girl pregnant. Yes, who would have thought that a serial philanderer would do such a thing? I can understand how you were repeatedly drawn back into his web of seduction as he was wearing camouflage clothing when you reconciled. It’s hard to see a loser for what he is when he’s disguised so well.

If you think for one second that you lasted on “Dancing with the Stars” as long as you did on your talent alone then I can only assume you never watched a playback of your dancing. It was beyond painful to watch Mark Ballas drag you all over the floor like a Swiffer. Your appalling attempt at seductive dancing in some of the sexier routines actually made me think your Immaculate Conception story may hold up.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t quickly mention the new face you’ve been sporting around town. You had “corrective jaw surgery” did you? I believe that as much as I believe your mother’s story about Paul Revere ringing bells to warn the British they couldn’t take our guns from us. It’s time to come clean about what really went down that day on the surgeon’s table. I’ve seen people who’ve undergone less noticeable facial transformations after being mauled by a bear.

I’m not really confident that any of this will reach you. You live in a world where your insecurity is fueled by the (incorrect) belief that the public’s perception of you is perpetuated by people who want to punish you for your mother’s dimwittedness.

I suggest you go back to Wasilla where this whole journey began, and do some serious soul searching. Think back on the entire course of your life, and about who is really responsible for the way it has turned out. Hint: it doesn’t have anything to do with Levi, the media, or Democrats.

If you really want to “recommit to living for God and serving others” as stated in your book there are only a few things you need to do. First, fade into obscurity where you belong. Secondly, don’t mix drinking and camping because it didn’t really work that well for you before. Lastly, (and this is a big one) do not, under any circumstances, ever write another book.

Sincerely,

The Tonic