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The NEW New Year’s Resolutions

1 Jan

Credit: Forever Alone Comics

Today is the first day of the year, and you know what that means: everyone is starting their resolutions! My Facebook timeline has been filled with friends promising to work out more, travel abroad, think more positively, find new jobs and other fairly typical aspirations for this time of the year.

BORING. It’s not that I dislike these resolutions, but can’t we mix it up a bit? Wanting to plant a garden? That’s so 2010. Learning another language? Don’t even get me started. Want to yell at your kids less? Let’s face it, we all wish you yelled at them more.

This is why I’ve taken the liberty of writing new New Year’s Resolutions, the ones I hope people actually stick to this year.

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Happy Mirthday!

13 Dec

 

My reaction to turning 30

“How does it feel now that you’re 30?”

I’ve gotten this question a number of times since turning the big 3-0 two weeks ago. I think everyone expected (and some hoped) that I’d have a nervous breakdown over this milestone birthday. Sorry to disappoint, but I care more about what’s happening between Sam and Ronnie on “Jersey Shore” than I do my own age.

It could have something to do with the fact that I’ve never gone beyond the maturity level of a 5th grader. Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a mother who aged very gracefully, and didn’t freak out over each passing year. The most likely cause of my jubilation is that, like a fine wine, I get better with age…and when paired with a kickass cheese.

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The Ex Factor

7 Sep

Credit: K. Hamierzarin

My Facebook feed has been reading like a relationship graveyard for the past month. One couple after another is biting the dust, and I’m seeing “[Insert name here] is now single” more than Farmville, Café World and Mafia Wars requests combined. Perhaps it’s because summer’s end is rapidly approaching, or something is in the water. Whatever it is, people just aren’t feeling each other anymore.

I would say that most of us handle a breakup like champions. We cry, go for drinks with friends, discard anything that reminds us of this former part of ourselves, or watch more episodes of “Golden Girls” than we care to admit. All of these are healthy outlets for the sadness and loneliness one feels after a relationship has been severed.

Some are not so dignified in their approach. We all know at least one person who believes a breakup is a reason for a breakdown, and allow themselves to get sucked into a dimension where self-respect doesn’t exist. Most people roll their eyes and patiently wait for the time when their friend returns, but if you’re like me, you can’t wait to put them on blast.

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How-to: Not Suck as a Person

24 Aug

Is it just me, or has there been an increase in annoying behavior lately? Everywhere I turn there are people who display behavior which makes me cringe, scratch my head, or tear my hair out. I always wonder if the offenders know they’re committing these small acts of insanity, or if it seems normal in their worlds.

So how do you know if the rest of the world looks at you and thinks, “Wow, you suck!” There are the obvious things: abusive behavior, committing criminal acts, substance abuse. Then there are the things that should be punishable offenses (why isn’t eating Spam illegal yet?) but aren’t heinous enough to make the cut.

I’ve gone to the liberty of putting together a list of 50 guidelines we can all follow (hey, I’m not excluded) which will help bring our collective “suckage quotient” down a few notches.

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Open Letter: Hipsters

28 Jun

Dear Hipsters,

I used to be really fond of you guys. I thought your love of vinyl records was pretty cool. When you brought back wayfarers I shouted with joy. I appreciated your efforts to inform others about the importance of recycling. I adored that you rocked Chucks, my footwear of choice.

Then, somewhere along the way, you became annoying. We’re not talking about the kind of annoying where I can count to ten and go to my happy place. It’s not the type of annoying where you go for a short walk and all is forgotten. I’m talking about the kind of annoying that makes a person want to punch unicorns in the face.

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