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Tag Archives: BlogHer

Panty Droppin’ Coffee

If you’ve been following this blog ~~for years~~ ~~awhile~~ this week, you know that I work from home. I’ve been telecommuting for the past year, but prior to that, I was part of the daily grind just like everyone else. This was before I started barking at strangers, and considering brushing my teeth optional.

I am not a morning person in the least bit. I was meant to go to bed at 2AM, and wake up at 10AM. Anything deviating from this means you’re not getting me at my best, and by “best” I mean everyone else’s version of mediocre.

This is how my mornings used to look:

Alarm goes off
Curse myself for not being born a Kardashian
Get up and drop a couple F-bombs on my alarm
Look in the mirror and wonder if science will one day be able to help me
Wash face/brush teeth/pee while checking Facebook on my phone
Pick out an outfit that screams “you don’t pay me enough to dress well”
Head to work vowing to find a rich husband because I’m too awesome to work
Get coffee because my hypothalamus is bossy as hell

Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, coffee, humor, nanowrino, old lady underwear, panty dropper, starbucks, Team Poblano, work, Yeah Write

Comments 91 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Work

Things My Therapist Has Taught Me

7 Nov

I don’t typically write serious subject matter on this blog, but a few months ago I wrote about my desire to seek therapy for a myriad of issues I’ve faced for years. A woman of my word, I began going almost immediately.

I don’t like talking to friends or family members about my problems so the idea of talking to a stranger about my innermost thoughts really put me off. Luckily, I found someone totally aces on the first try, and she has taught me some very valuable things in our time together so far.

How you feel about yourself is not a democracy.

I would never have described myself as a “people pleaser” until I started seeing her. Now I can’t believe I never saw it before. In every facet of my life I am living for someone else: at work, in relationships, with my family, among friends. No wonder I’ve spent half my life asleep at the wheel; trying to be everything to everyone is exhausting. Once, when I was expressing anxiety over Blogger Interactive, she said, “Who cares if people end up disliking you? How you feel about yourself is not a democracy. The only person who gets a vote in that is you.” All this time I’ve been basing my self-esteem on what I assume or know to be others’ judgements of me. I’m trying to see that I am good enough as-is, and if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t diminish my worth. Continue reading →

Tags: Advice, anxiety, BlogHer, life lessons, mental health, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, therapy, Yeah Write

Comments 390 Comments
Categories Advice, Mental Health, NaNoWriNo

5 Completely Irrational Fears

6 Nov

I’m always worrying about something. If the lid on a medicine bottle comes off too easily after just purchasing it, I’m convinced someone has tampered with it. If my shower curtain is slightly askew, there’s obviously a murderer behind it. Don’t get me started on how I panic after the lights go off during a blackout.

Some fears are normal. If you’re traveling at high speeds in a car, it’s reasonable to be afraid that you’ll spin out of control and injure yourself. It’s not reasonable to believe that the neighbor kid is actually a small Russian spy, and the laser pen he’s playing with is actually a high-tech death laser.

Here are my Top 5 most irrational fears as voted by me…and my therapist…and everyone else. Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, fear, humor, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, Yeah Write

Comments 107 Comments
Categories 5 Things, All About Me, NaNoWriNo

The 10 Most Bizarre Things I’ve Read in Dating Ads

5 Nov

I know this is hard to believe, but I’m single. I KNOW! What, with showing strangers my hershey kiss, and accusing random men of being murderers, you’d think someone would have locked this down by now.

I am not actively pursuing a relationship, but from time to time I like to look at what’s out there to see what I’ll be working with once I’m ready for it. Most ads are filled with the same things: age, physical traits, kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, and a list of things he or she is looking for in a partner. Very benign stuff.

Experts say the key to standing out is to write punchy, attention-grabbing lines. I think the men below misunderstood what that meant. Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, dating, Dating ads, humor, NaBloPoMo, Nano Poblano, nanowrino, Relationships, Yeah Write

Comments 122 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Relationships

Telemiscommunication

3 Nov

The fact that I’ve been steadily employed since my first job at a Hallmark store is as much of a surprise to me as it is to anyone else. I’m the kind of person who drinks cereal instead of eating it with a spoon, and laughs when narrators say ‘Homo Erectus’ in documentaries. Not exactly the kind of stuff that makes employers jump at the chance to pay me every two weeks.

I started working for a local publishing company in 2009, and in early 2012, they were acquired by a corporation in Boston. Roughly six months after the purchase, our office was closed, and the Portland team members began telecommuting. This day is also referred to as “The exact moment I started devolving as an employee and human being.”

Dedicated working spaces no longer have meaning to me.

One of the greatest joys of working from home is getting to decide where you want to work. Gone are the days of parking in the same space, sitting at the same desk, and shivering from the air blowing from the same vent directly above my desk. Now you’ll most likely finding me sending e-mails while on the crapper, regretting the Indian food I ate last night.

E-mail skillz

Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, humor, NaBloPoMo, NanoPoblano, nanowrino, Poopacabra, telecommuting, work, working from home, Yeah Write

Comments 63 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, Work

Vag of Dishonor

2 Nov

It’s no secret that I embarrass myself on a regular basis. I’ve farted in a trainer’s face, a woman once congratulated me on my diarrhea, and I even confessed to taking a dump in an empty Porta Potty. Needless to say, I spend the majority of my time and energy trying to see if a person can actually die of humiliation.

Something else that people know about me is that I love to hike. I love the smell of the mountain air. I love the view at the top. I love being one of those annoying people on Facebook who posts dozens of photos to prove that her ass hasn’t yet melded with her couch.

"America's Funniest Home Videos, fuck yeah."

“Come on Maury, hurry up. I need to know if he’s the father.”

I had been wanting to do one particular trail in the Columbia River Gorge, and finally managed to get out there a few weeks ago. Most hikes have bathrooms at their trail heads, but once you’re out there, you’re on your own. Continue reading →

Tags: BlogHer, hiking, humiliation, humor, NaBloPoMo, nanowrino, Oregon, Team Poblano, Yeah Write

Comments 143 Comments
Categories NaNoWriNo, No Shame

NaNoWriNo 2013

1 Nov

There’s this little thing called National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) some of you may have heard of. It takes place every year, and challenges writers to write 50,000 words during the month of November. This challenge is for completely insane people.

Speaker7 and I are only mostly insane, so last year we decided NaNoWriMo was not for us. We still wanted to push ourselves to be better writers or whatever people tell themselves while they’re torturing themselves every day. This is why we came up with NaNoWriNO which was our way of saying, “Yeah, that other fuckery not happening.”