Bugs crawling into my ears at night. Getting pregnant with triplets. Being forced to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is only one thing scarier than all of those things, and it’s internet dating.
It should come as no surprise that I’m not the best at dating. I can certainly hike up my breasts until they’re at cruising altitude, and I always refrain from using my shirt collar as a napkin until we’re in the “I accidentally farted on you” stage of our relationship. The thing I don’t have on my side is the ability to pretend I like stupid people who waste my time.
Internet dating has its benefits, but the relative anonymity of it coupled with the ease of access to thousands of potential mates has created a problem for those interested in a serious relationship. Gone are the days of daters trying to pretend they’re halfway normal, and in are the days of suitors asking if you’d like a dick picture after you tell them you work in marketing.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the gems I’ve met online.
The guy who isn’t letting his marriage get in the way of his dating life
The guy who doesn’t believe in Cheesus Christ
Him: “[Your profile says] you worship cheese and David Hasselhoff. Exodus 20:7 says ‘Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.‘ Legitimize your faith in the LORD and respect His name.”
Me: “Jennifer 1:1 says, ‘Those who quoth scripture to fair maidens on the divine information highway shall reap 100 years of celibacy as punishment.'”
The guy who is very concerned about how my day is going
Him: “How are you today?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
20 minutes later….
Him: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
A day later…
Him: “How are you this evening?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
3 hours later…
Him: “Why do you keep saying you’re good?”
Me: “Because you keep asking me how I am.”
Him: “That’s because I care about how you’re doing. So how are you?”
The guy who doesn’t understand how babies are made (or sarcasm)
Him: “Do you have any kids?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Why not?”
Him: “Because a single sperm never chewed its way into one of my eggs.”
Him: “Is that a joke?”
Me: “No, that’s science.”
Him: “Bye.” (He blocked me)
The guy who owns a book of pickup lines
Him: “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?”
Me: “I did a tuck and roll on impact so I only had a few minor abrasions.”
later in the conversation…
Him: “Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”
Me: “My dad was the inventor of Toaster Strudel.”
later in the conversation…
Him: “Are you a pirate because I want your booty.”
Me: “Are you rich because I want to get credit cards in your name and buy things I don’t have to pay for.”
The guy who is really turned on by my job
Me: “So what do you do for a living?”
Him: “I’m an engineer. What do you do?”
Me: “I work in marketing.”
Him: “Cool…my dick is hard, wanna see it?”
I sent him this picture…
The guy who wants to add me to his plan
Him: “So are you into friends with benefits?”
Me: “Oh, definitely.”
Him: “Really? Nice.”
Me: “Yeah, healthcare is really expensive these days so having supplemental insurance is helpful.”
Him: “Not those kinds of benefits.”
Me: “Dental?”
Him: “No. Sex.”
Me: “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX MY TEETH THEN?”
Him: “Bye.”
The guy who hates chicken
Him: “Why don’t you send me pictures of your boobs.”
Me: “You really want to see my breasts?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, hold on.”
A few minutes later I sent him this picture:
Him: “You lied to me.”
Me: “You’re right. Those are thighs.”
Some will argue that I need to be less combative in order to find a mate. I believe this is natural selection taking place because naturally I wouldn’t select any of these losers even if they wanted me.
I’ve taken down my profiles, and now just spend time looking at DIY projects on Pinterest. DIY projects don’t quote scripture. DIY projects don’t drop played out pickup lines on you. Most importantly, DIY projects don’t ask you if you want to see their dick.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
hysterical! I almost peed my pants. Are those serious experiences! How awful. Online porno, talk to me dirty. ew. No wonder they are single.
Oh I can’t wait to jump into this pool. Why do I feel these kinda conversations are in my future, except married guy – I’ve already met him!!
There are SO MANY married men on there. Dating made me realize how much I don’t want to get married.
Funny, dated a divorced guy who was anti getting married a second time made me completely change my views on marriage. Now I realise that actually a ‘marriage’ is just a piece of paper, I want the commitment and the relationship, if that comes with a ring fab if not well that’s fine too!
Hilarious! Love this blog. too funny for words. particularly the thighs
Had some similar experiences myself
Check out my blog on why I left Tinder…
http://theredlandrapscallion.wordpress.com/
You have ABSOLUTELY the best comebacks ever! I wish I was half this clever! I just told the one guy who asked to see my boobs that he should’ve asked before the double mastectomy (I don’t think he got it…)
Isn’t it the worst when you make a clever joke, and they don’t get it. It’s like, “Why did I waste good material on you?”
Right! But I told hold it to reuse later. Don’t have to mention I didn’t make it up right then 😉
Oh thank you for this … made me laugh. I’ve come to the conclusion that the normal / serious men don’t have online profiles… they’ve given up too!
Ah, that very well could be true. Perhaps online sites are just flooded with the people who haven’t quite gotten to the “I don’t need to put up with this shit anymore” point.
I love your responses!!! You are one funny woman and certainly do not need internet dating.
Thanks, Mo! I’ve put an indefinite hold on dating as I’m realizing I enjoy my company more than any man I’ve met.
Fan-bloody-tastic.
You should set up a ‘Anti-douchebag’ service, offering women those awesome comebacks for free.
My new side job! I’m going to call myself ‘The Comeback Kid’.
This is ridiculously funny and true. I also took everything down and searched for DIY projects. I now make my own deodorant, shampoo and conditioner. Along with various types of peanut butter.
YES! I haven’t yet learned how to make my own conditioner, but with all this new free time, anything is possible.
Sorry you had to deal that that nonsense, but I’m very happy you have all kinds of DIY projects going on.
OMG…I would SO date you. If I wasn’t married…and a chick 😉
I can dream…
LOL!
It seems that internet dating has robbed the men of the species of their sense of humour. They don’t seem to have any morals, intelligence or etiquette so all they had left was a sense of humour. I can only hope that somewhere (perhaps not on line) there are a few men left that can keep the species going because if it is left to these guys we are doomed.
Apparently nobody on there has a sense of humor. I think if they make it past your first few quips they might have a chance…
Yes, thank you for saying that. I mentioned to another commenter that had they just went with it, and laughed it all off, things could have progressed. Instead, most of them stopped speaking to me, blocked me, or become incredibly defensive. No exactly the kind of mate I’m looking for.
I guess a sense of humor is their barrier to entry, as marketers would say.
I laughed out loud at that.
Sorry about the pretty obvious innuendo as well.
You are an inspiration. Many of those lines will be pilfered and used without due and proper credit.
I still have my profile up, well, it’s up again. I took it down for the summer, because kids. Since I reopened it, though, I’ve not bothered to actually check yes, or swipe right, or any other “phrase” for selecting based on last decade’s picture and some contrived “about me”. I’m not in it for a relationship, so bars are really a much more effective means to my end.
I hope people do pilfer if for nothing else than to start a trend where men stop talking to women like they’ve just had a lobotomy.
A couple of my profiles are still up, but like you, I’m not actively doing anything with them. I have to ask- do you meet decent guys in bars? I haven’t, at least not around here.
I’ve actually met a couple of decent guys in bars. Not many, but more than on Tinder, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s the personal interaction? I don’t know. No one has whipped their dick out at the bar like they do online with dic pics.
…what if the dick had a degree in dentistry?
I’d expect free teeth cleanings and a set of Hillary Duff-like veneers. I guess I’d let him touch my boob in exchange.
I don’t say this lightly. . . you’re a genius and have a great set of chicken thighs.
Put in a good word with Hugo, will ya?
Good god. Well, I certainly hope and pray one day you can manage to sift through all the dick pics and find that one true prince so you can accidentally fart on him one day. I have faith this will happen for you, never give up.
All I want in life is to find a love interest I can accidentally fart on. Is that too much to ask?
This made me laugh and laugh! I just signed up for an online dating sight a few weeks ago and I’ve already started a series on Twitter and Facebook called “Adventures in Online Dating” with the incredibly stupid things I’m hearing from guys. However, I think yours trump mine!
Please send me links to both. I’d love to sit alongside you and nod and laugh.
Thanks for following my blog. I hope you can stop by now and then.
Will do, John!