Bugs crawling into my ears at night. Getting pregnant with triplets. Being forced to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is only one thing scarier than all of those things, and it’s internet dating.
It should come as no surprise that I’m not the best at dating. I can certainly hike up my breasts until they’re at cruising altitude, and I always refrain from using my shirt collar as a napkin until we’re in the “I accidentally farted on you” stage of our relationship. The thing I don’t have on my side is the ability to pretend I like stupid people who waste my time.
Internet dating has its benefits, but the relative anonymity of it coupled with the ease of access to thousands of potential mates has created a problem for those interested in a serious relationship. Gone are the days of daters trying to pretend they’re halfway normal, and in are the days of suitors asking if you’d like a dick picture after you tell them you work in marketing.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the gems I’ve met online.
The guy who isn’t letting his marriage get in the way of his dating life
The guy who doesn’t believe in Cheesus Christ
Him: “[Your profile says] you worship cheese and David Hasselhoff. Exodus 20:7 says ‘Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.‘ Legitimize your faith in the LORD and respect His name.”
Me: “Jennifer 1:1 says, ‘Those who quoth scripture to fair maidens on the divine information highway shall reap 100 years of celibacy as punishment.'”
The guy who is very concerned about how my day is going
Him: “How are you today?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
20 minutes later….
Him: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
A day later…
Him: “How are you this evening?”
Me: “I’m good, you?”
3 hours later…
Him: “Why do you keep saying you’re good?”
Me: “Because you keep asking me how I am.”
Him: “That’s because I care about how you’re doing. So how are you?”
The guy who doesn’t understand how babies are made (or sarcasm)
Him: “Do you have any kids?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Why not?”
Him: “Because a single sperm never chewed its way into one of my eggs.”
Him: “Is that a joke?”
Me: “No, that’s science.”
Him: “Bye.” (He blocked me)
The guy who owns a book of pickup lines
Him: “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?”
Me: “I did a tuck and roll on impact so I only had a few minor abrasions.”
later in the conversation…
Him: “Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”
Me: “My dad was the inventor of Toaster Strudel.”
later in the conversation…
Him: “Are you a pirate because I want your booty.”
Me: “Are you rich because I want to get credit cards in your name and buy things I don’t have to pay for.”
The guy who is really turned on by my job
Me: “So what do you do for a living?”
Him: “I’m an engineer. What do you do?”
Me: “I work in marketing.”
Him: “Cool…my dick is hard, wanna see it?”
I sent him this picture…
The guy who wants to add me to his plan
Him: “So are you into friends with benefits?”
Me: “Oh, definitely.”
Him: “Really? Nice.”
Me: “Yeah, healthcare is really expensive these days so having supplemental insurance is helpful.”
Him: “Not those kinds of benefits.”
Me: “Dental?”
Him: “No. Sex.”
Me: “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX MY TEETH THEN?”
Him: “Bye.”
The guy who hates chicken
Him: “Why don’t you send me pictures of your boobs.”
Me: “You really want to see my breasts?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, hold on.”
A few minutes later I sent him this picture:
Him: “You lied to me.”
Me: “You’re right. Those are thighs.”
Some will argue that I need to be less combative in order to find a mate. I believe this is natural selection taking place because naturally I wouldn’t select any of these losers even if they wanted me.
I’ve taken down my profiles, and now just spend time looking at DIY projects on Pinterest. DIY projects don’t quote scripture. DIY projects don’t drop played out pickup lines on you. Most importantly, DIY projects don’t ask you if you want to see their dick.
Sips of Jen and Tonic 
Again, I need to look into the market for Mail Order Husbands. Pick and choose the features you want. Boom, done!
They need a Build-a-Bear for husbands. That would get me to the mall.
Good come backs! You’re right they all sound like losers. Looking forward to pics of your DIY projects LMA
I’ve been thinking about it, and a dick-related DIY might not be the worst thing in the world…
You are awesome! I love the ‘breast’ photo. Oh internet dating really brings out all sorts doesn’t it. “Hi what do you do for work want to see my dick?” hahahahaha.
The internet allows people to let their freak flags fly, and these people were really taking advantage of that.
Hahaha amazing, I cannot believe some of these guys were not more appreciative of your hilarious responses!
RIGHT?! Like, let’s just laugh together.
Gold! I can’t believe people like this exist out there! Especially love the guy who just desperately wants to know how you are…. There’s lots of “special’ in this world!
I wish he had just said, “I’m talking to 10 women at the same time, and can’t keep all of you straight.” He would have gotten points for honesty, but no, he just kept on asking me how I was.
Wait… You’re dad invented toaster strudel? Are you Gretchen Weiners?
DIY sounds great now, but don’t be surprised if DIY shows you the huge zucchini he grew by himself. In his homemade garden box.
YES. Someone got the Gretchen Wieners reference.
It’s a shame you can’t figure out who their mothers are and then forward the messages to them. Haha! I had similar experiences, though my responses weren’t nearly so funny…I was too stupified that so many guys out there are such douchebuckets.
Thanks for sharing this!
It actually makes me feel better than someone else out there had similar experiences. I just kept thinking, “Am I the flame for these dysfunctional moths?”
No, darlin’…YOU are perfect. Boys are weird. And more weird when they somehow don’t actually make the connection that the person they’re messaging is REAL.
Are these guys for real? Seriously? I guess I ought to try this just for the laughs and the stories!
The strangest part is that they were taking themselves very seriously. I was talking with a friend about this, and it seems like it might be a numbers game. They throw up 100 shots, and 99 won’t make it, but the one that does…it makes it worth it.
Lol, no thanks to online dating.
You’re obviously smarter than I am.
For real? No. For real?! I’m so innocent…
LOOK AWAY, ROSS. YOU’RE TOO INNOCENT.
You’re honest, not combative. I am curious as to how you attract these monkey-wankers, though. Are there certain key phrases that act as magnets?
I’d say just being on Tinder or OkCupid is magnet enough.
You have to have found some winners with the tiny yet awesome snippet that you provided. Damn, I would swipe right just for your witty conversation (that I could never keep up with).
Seriously though, I have a friend who put a face hole picture of her on ET’s bicycle ride body (as a mistake because it just pulled some of her FB pictures) and she got hits like crazy!!! Everyone swiped right and told her she was so cool. All her dinner meals were paid for that week = WIN.
YES! That’s what I did! I had a face hole picture of me as Dorothy from Golden Girls (with the rest of the cast alongside). Someone actually asked me why I hang out with so many old people. Wait, WHAT?
I had a lot of swipe rights, but sadly, I later swept them left. Tinder is a site for bootycalls.
Um… so… there’s seriously people out there like this? SO glad I never intend to use the internet to find a mate. People be crazy.
Yes they are. If you ever think about dating online, smack your head against the wall 100 times. Same result, and takes less time.
Oh my God. I know this is what really happened to you but I couldn’t help but crack up at your conversations. Dude, some of these guys really do act that way and it surprises me that your sense of humor surprises them. Dude. But I guess with internet dating it’s all out there right away … straight to the point. I guess you waste less time that way and you weed out the jackasses instead of spending three or four months with them on bad dates at Outback Steakhouse. In any case, I think you’re hilarious and there’s a dude out there that’s totally gonna appreciate you without you having to send him a picture of your breasts. Good luck with your search 🙂
Please, laugh away. It’s completely ridiculous that these people were very serious about their laughable behavior. I told my roommate that if one of these guys had laughed along with me, I would have been willing to forgive their faux pas. But no, they were committed to the part of “dumbass on the internet” so this is what they get.
That’s some really scary stuff Jen. Wow! eeeek so glad I married. 🙂 Hang in there… there has to be someone of worth out there. I thought your answers were hysterical. 🙂
Oh, I’m SO DONE with dating. If he’s out there, I no longer care enough about finding him. And yes, be very glad you’re married! Give your lady extra hugs today.
8===D~
(_o_)v(_o_)
So you’re saying DIY projects don’t have scripture and have dick pics?*throws needlepoint away.
Those guys are a-holes for being so typical, and not appreciating the funniest and smartest responses they’ll ever receive to their inane questions. However, I suppose all they’re looking for is sexual gratification in pixel form. Idiots.
I always knew you were all about the dick pics. That’s why I like you so much.
So funny. Have to feel fortunate that I am really stupid about on-line discussions. Thanks
Stay innocent, John.
Oh wow, things really have deteriorated in the dating world. Get your armor ready. Looks like you’re going to need it.
By the way: “I did a tuck and roll on impact so I only had a few minor abrasions.”—Loved that line!
I tell my married friends, “You hate that he throws his towels on the bathroom floor? Internet date for a week and you’ll think you’ve married a freaking prince.”
Ha, yes, you’ve given me a whole new appreciation of married life!
If he asks if it hurt when you fell from heaven and you don’t see yourself with him for any number of reasons, just say you scraped your hands clawing your way up from hell.
It’s a great response because it’s pretty much true for me.
🙂 it’s free to use
I think I love you. And I’m totally stealing that response to requests for photos of my breasts.
Let’s just date each other? And yes, feel free to steal away. Guys really, really hate it when you do that, but it’s the joke that doesn’t stop giving.
P.S. Thanks for the reblog!
Reblogged this on crazy smart clueless and commented:
A fabulous post from my favorite ‘Sips of Jen and Tonic’ on internet dating…
Thank you!
What can I say, you make me laugh lady…
Glad you have a sense of humour. The guy who gets that, might just get lucky and get you.
Life would have killed me by now if I wasn’t able to laugh at it.
In these cases, a picture of their face = a dick pic.
I can’t even tell you how hard I laughed at that. So true…
It’s just payback for the laughs you’ve given me. It’s good to see you!
good one Elyse!
Some dating memories just don’t fade!
I love this post. I haven’t even dared to dip my toe into dating yet, but I do believe you have captured my fears and expectations perfectly.
I think the thing about internet dating is that it just reveals who people really are much quicker. A guy could be looking for a simple hookup, but he may not say that straight out to you at a bar, but would online. In that way, online dating is better because you know what you’re getting.
Good luck. Solidarity, sister.