Vag of Dishonor

2 Nov

It’s no secret that I embarrass myself on a regular basis. I’ve farted in a trainer’s face, a woman once congratulated me on my diarrhea, and I even confessed to taking a dump in an empty Porta Potty. Needless to say, I spend the majority of my time and energy trying to see if a person can actually die of humiliation.

Something else that people know about me is that I love to hike. I love the smell of the mountain air. I love the view at the top. I love being one of those annoying people on Facebook who posts dozens of photos to prove that her ass hasn’t yet melded with her couch.

"America's Funniest Home Videos, fuck yeah."

“Come on Maury, hurry up. I need to know if he’s the father.”

I had been wanting to do one particular trail in the Columbia River Gorge, and finally managed to get out there a few weeks ago. Most hikes have bathrooms at their trail heads, but once you’re out there, you’re on your own.

This hike was listed as “easy” but I quickly learned it’s only easy if you’re Jillian Michaels on methamphetamines. I trudged my way up the 478 switchbacks, drinking a ton of water along the way. Eventually my bladder decided it was quittin’ time, and I had to find a place to pee.

This wasn’t easy to do because the trail is narrow, and there aren’t really any places to hide while you urinate all over Mother Nature. I was going to have to pick a spot and chance it.

There is a point in this particular trail where it takes a slight detour out to a view point. I decided this would be ideal because some people might bypass it and continue on, and even if they did walk out, I’d hear them and have a chance to collect myself.

I looked up and down the main trail, and didn’t see anyone coming. I quickly ran over to the end, steadied myself between a bushy area and the ledge, and pulled down my pants.

I left my heart in San Francisco, but I left my pee here

Actual scene of the crime

Midstream I heard someone coming. Based on the timing of the footsteps I knew the person was jogging towards me. Jogging, shit. I hadn’t accounted for that, and I knew there wasn’t enough time to pull up my pants and act naturally.

Any second the this person would round this corner, and there I’d be, pissing all over Oregon’s splendor. The only way to completely avoid the jogger was to back up and fall to my death.

I panicked…

I stood up…

He appeared a split second later…

My vagina was on full display.

Jogger's reaction to seeing my sausage wallet

Jogger’s reaction to seeing my sausage wallet

There was a moment when we both had to acknowledge that my labia was just chillin’ like a villain. He looked slightly confused. It could have been because I was naked from the waist down, or it could have been because I hadn’t shaved since Nixon was in office. He may have thought he somehow stumbled upon a centaur.

He was a merciful soul, and turned around and disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. No awkward, “Hey, nice vagina!” or “Can you please move your Furby, you’re blocking the view.” He knew the right thing to do was to leave.

I waited awhile, and then made my way back down the trail. When I got to the bottom, park rangers had set up a small table with information on our state parks. As I walked by, one of the rangers asked me if I had seen anything interesting while I was on the trail. I simply replied, “No, but I know one guy who did.”

143 Responses to “Vag of Dishonor”

  1. Ned's Blog 11/20/2013 at 10:22 pm #

    I THOUGHT that was you. I often jog that way because I like to see the Gorge. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/24/2013 at 2:52 pm #

      I apologize, Ned. Send me your therapy bills.

      • Ned's Blog 11/24/2013 at 6:15 pm #

        Thank you. And thank you for making it plural… 😉

  2. mytwistedroad 11/10/2013 at 3:45 pm #

    OMG!!! This is the funniest shit EVER!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:05 am #

      I approve of you spreading the word about me being the funniest person on the internet.

      • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:10 am #

        DONE! Ohhh, and I like that you are bringing back “Vag” … I got tired of “Pikachu”!

        • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:13 am #

          PIKA PIKA!

          • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:15 am #

            I think you need to write something on the various references there are for our lady parts!

          • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:21 am #

            This is the 3rd time someone has suggested that. Apparently I’m the vagina expert.

          • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:28 am #

            You’re the one with the balls to touch that subject! 🙂

            Totally off topic: How long have you been blogging?

          • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:38 am #

            I just celebrated my 2 year bloggiversary not too long ago. I can’t believe it, actually.

          • mytwistedroad 11/11/2013 at 11:54 am #

            Glad I stumbled upon this blog! Keep keepin’ it REAL!! (I hate when people say that, by the way, but there’s no other way to say it).

          • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:54 am #

            I’m glad you’re here too. You’re officially a Hooked on Tonic!

  3. vyvacious 11/10/2013 at 12:54 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m dyingggggg!!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/11/2013 at 11:04 am #

      Just be thankful I had gotten flashing people I just met out of my system before we roomed together.

      • vyvacious 11/11/2013 at 11:10 am #

        I am thankful. Or is it disappointed? Either way, I’m feeling some emotions.

  4. Anna Lea West 11/08/2013 at 5:19 am #

    WHY have I just found you???!!!! I don’t know either, but I’m glad I did 🙂

  5. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/04/2013 at 2:32 pm #

    First: I saw your sentence about, “This hike was listed as “easy” but I quickly learned it’s only easy if you’re Jillian” and was like, “OH, How nice! I didn’t realize Jen thought I was athletic!”

    Then I finished the sentence.

    Gah, that Jillian Michaels. Always stealing my thunder.

    But second: I seriously lol’d. Nice.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:43 am #

      Oh, I think you’re VERY athletic. In your avatar you have a sport red sweatshirt on. I have no doubt that photo was taken at the last Olympics, where you were competing.

  6. PinotNinja 11/04/2013 at 8:31 am #

    HAHAHA! But, really where better to go au natural then in, you know, actual nature?

    Also, what is up with Maury taking forever to reveal the father? Why do they have to introduce 2-3 trainwrecks before going back and resolving the first one? One trainwreck at a time, Maury, one at a time!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2013 at 12:42 am #

      The build up in a Maury show is better than some suspense movies Hollywood puts out. They need to hire that guy. “Darth Vader, in the case of little baby Luke….you……………………..ARE the father!”

  7. Aussa Lorens 11/03/2013 at 10:09 pm #

    I just died.
    This reminds me of trying to pee in a squattie in China while all the women gathered around to get a good look like they were curious whether mine would look like theirs. *cringe*
    This post made me bol. bellow out loud.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 11:33 pm #

      Your vagina may be a celebrity in China now, you never know. It’ll get a Coca Cola endorsement deal, I’m sure.

      Also, I’m going to tell people they must only BOL from now on. Fuck LOL. That’s played out.

      • Aussa Lorens 11/04/2013 at 6:37 am #

        You’re so glass half full, I love it– hopefully those royalty checks will be rolling in soon…

  8. writerwendyreid 11/03/2013 at 9:35 pm #

    That sounds like something I would do. I have the worst luck, every time I decide to “take a chance”…. Oh…the line about Furby? Made me laugh out loud. 😉 xo

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 11:59 pm #

      We should never, under any circumstance, pee together. We’d gather a crowd.

  9. The Hook 11/03/2013 at 5:45 pm #

    You make the outdoors come alive, my friend.
    Well done.

  10. Madame Weebles 11/03/2013 at 12:33 pm #

    You had me at “sausage wallet.” Yours is an important cautionary tale: when hiking, ladies, wear a few layers of Depends.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:26 pm #

      An adult diaper is still sexier than most of my underwear.

      • Madame Weebles 11/03/2013 at 9:27 pm #

        Mine too. I say we launch a new line of erotic adult diapers. They’ll sell like crazy.

  11. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/03/2013 at 6:26 am #

    You’re my hero!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:25 pm #

      And all it took was a little nudity. I should have known.

  12. She's a Maineiac 11/03/2013 at 4:43 am #

    Bwah hahahhhhhaaaaa!!! Holy crap! Hilarious! This is totally something that would happen to me. You are such a good storyteller. Made me spew my coffee all over the place.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:25 pm #

      I’m glad I’m not alone in this. Maybe we can show our vaginas to strangers together sometime.

  13. rarasaur 11/03/2013 at 1:18 am #

    Haha! Oh man, this is hilarious!! The panic response that makes us do exactly the wrong thing is such a weird brain thing. Scientists need to solve this, pronto! On a side note, outdoor peeing is one of many reasons that I don’t hike. I think I’d die from bladder explosion before voluntarily peeing on a rock.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:23 pm #

      It’s all about the panic for me. This is also why I once nearly bit the tip of my tongue off when a hot guy asked me for directions. Instead of being, you know, normal, I made myself bleed.

      I would offer to help you learn how to pee outdoors, but that would be creepy.

  14. Edee Lemonier 11/02/2013 at 11:37 pm #

    Hysterical! And precisely why hiking out here scares the bejeebus out of me: pretty sure I have the world’s smallest bladder. I have to pee 4 times before I can go up to the top of Multnomah Falls, for crying out loud!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 12:04 am #

      HA! I need one of those “she pee” things that are like funnels for your vagina so you can stand while peeing. I’ll try to see if there is a BOGO deal so we can have matching ones.

      • Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 7:41 am #

        Oh hey, that would be awesome! Maybe I can use it to practice peeing in a cup for the doctor and actually getting it in the damn container?

      • Psychobabble 11/03/2013 at 6:04 pm #

        Oh, snap. I *just* posted my she-wee comment and then I saw this! Better go read her post, if you haven’t already.

  15. Psychobabble 11/02/2013 at 10:52 pm #

    Glorious. I have so many tales of soaking my socks in the woods. Best of which is when my partner is forced to stand behind me and flap his hands to create wind so that the swarms of mosquitoes from hell don’t bite me on the large piece of real estate that is my ass. You’re in good company.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 12:05 am #

      Soaking the socks is the WORST. You’re either forced to continue to walk in your pee, or take off your socks and walk in your shoes barefoot.

      Very sweet of Mr. Babble to make sure that the bugs didn’t eat your ass off.

  16. Veronica Roth 11/02/2013 at 6:47 pm #

    Lol, I once had a pee in the bushes on the French alps. I’d been hiking like crazy and couldn’t get away from people and finally I found a spot and had to pee so badly that I didn’t notice the stinging nettles. I can hear you laughing. 🙂

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 10:19 pm #

      You got stung by stinging nettles? In your private parts? HOLY CRAP.

  17. likedandsharedthis 11/02/2013 at 6:10 pm #

    Reblogged this on Like and Share This!.

  18. jennifer p 11/02/2013 at 3:46 pm #

    thats really funny .next time maybe wear depends.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 4:51 pm #

      GENIUS. I’m not opposed to hiking in my own filth.

  19. meganorussell 11/02/2013 at 3:33 pm #

    I have peed by many trails, but I have never been caught. I now know why some women wear hiking skirts.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 4:52 pm #

      I just realized that’s why women wear them. I just thought it was because they were trying to bring a touch of class to the wilderness.

  20. MyTwoCents 11/02/2013 at 3:22 pm #

    This is all too much, and all too awesome! Furby? Sausage wallet? HA. I am so glad I found me some Jen and Tonic!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 4:53 pm #

      I’m glad you found me too! Now we can laugh about our hairy potters together.

  21. skpadilla 11/02/2013 at 1:58 pm #

    I think I’ve hiked that trail, or it’s one I’d like to hike! I’ve done some trail running, and those urgent bathroom breaks are never easy!

  22. vggbouiz 11/02/2013 at 1:55 pm #

    Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 1:57 pm #

      Are you sending dick pics from your phone? If so, I approve.

  23. strawberryquicksand 11/02/2013 at 12:37 pm #

    Reblogged this on Strawberryquicksand and commented:
    If you want to pee your panties laughing, read on!

  24. strawberryquicksand 11/02/2013 at 12:34 pm #

    Ohhhh thanks for the laugh! I am sooo reblogging! P.s. if you like a laugh you might enjoy my blog post about getting a brazillian wax… and feel better bout your furby! hehe

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 1:55 pm #

      Heading to your post now, and I can already tell you I feel your pain. I wrote a month or so ago about my experience with a waxing. She was an evil pube mistress.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/02/2013 at 1:56 pm #

      Oh, you know what? I’ve read it before! So freaking hilarious.


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